Soap Operas

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I bloody well loathe telly soap operas, nearly all of which are well past their sell-by date and fit only for boiling down to make glue.

The sure sign that the well of inspiration for believable storylines has truly run dry on these cod dramas is when the production team has to fall back on ludicrous crime plots; serial killers, attempted murders, rape and kidnapping and what-have-you. Who among the more cynically inclined could fail to treasure the moment when ‘the Corrie Killer’ made his debut? Just one of many shark-jumping moments in the life of that wheezing old dinosaur.

My thesis was borne out a couple of evenings back when the wife looked up from her laptop and said “listen to this. Apparently Weatherfield is the most violent town in the world, worse than places in Mexico and Brazil, even”.

“Huh?” says I vaguely, sipping my wine and wondering if I’d heard correctly.

“No listen” she goes on. “It says here that ‘Corrie’ has clocked up 467 serious crimes, including 36 murders. ‘EastEnders’ has 437 serious crimes, including 42
murders. ‘Emmerdale’ and ‘Hollyoaks’ have…”

“Yes thank you my sweet”, says I, “for those fascinating yet ludicrous statistics”.

“You sarky old git” says she. “I was only trying to make a bit of conversation. Tell you what, lets talk about something IN-TER-EST-ING, like Villa’s new manager”.

“Touché” says I with a grin, as she gets up from her chair. “Where are you off to?”.

“I’m going through to the front room” says she with frosty sweetness. “It’s nearly time for ‘EastEnders’, and you know how much I like a bit of true to life drama”.

Yes indeed. It must be about time for a space psychotic astronaut to crash the space station on Albert Square, or for ISIS suicide bombers to hold fifty people hostage in ‘the Queen Vic’ before blowing the place to smithereens. Soaps are nothing if not realistic.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/16315118/coronation-street-worst-crime-rate-hollyoaks/

Nominated by: Ron Knee

Keith Richards [3]

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I´ve never liked the Rolling Stones particularly Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. One of the reasons was because I never understood how two Englishmen – one lower middle class and the other upper middle class – could spend their whole lives fantasizing that they were Blind Willie McTell slaves from the southern United States singing the blues after a hard day picking cotton and being whipped by the overseers.

My life-long antipathy was confirmed when I switched on a Netflix programme called “Keith Richards Under the Influence”. It starts with a quote of such banality – “Life´s a funny thing you know” – that even Prince Charles would have sneered at it. Keith is obviously so spaced out that all he seems to do is chuckle at his own remarks.

At one point he “sings”, “I love my sugar but I love my honey too. I´m a greedy motherfucker and I don´t know what to do.”

Ever heard of retirement Keith?

Nominated by: Mr Polly

2.7 Million Job Vacancies

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I think I have gone full on conspiracy theory mode, and I think I have found some fucking bullshit.

Reports today that job vacancies has hit 2.7 million, wtf.

Has anyone really scrutinised all this or is it a case just accepting statistics, are all these jobs either unique or are still advertised but have actually been filled.
I know from my time with job hunting the same vacancy could be advertised through several recruitment agencies and the cunts never actually say where the job is until you have gone through the process and I applied for some jobs that were still advertised even after they were filled because the cunts couldn’t be arsed to take down the ads.

Well at least all the poor cunts who have been kicked out of the care home sector for not being jabbed will have plenty of jobs to go to.

If half the 2.7 million jobs are real than there is no excuse for the 4 to 5% unemployed from not getting off their arses and get to fucking work.

What is the solution, well we know what Labour want, leave the bone idle cunts sitting on their arses and import some more EU Labour.

Link to story.

Nominated by: Sick of it

Richard Ratcliffe

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Richard Ratcliffe has ended his second or possibly third hunger strike.

He is like that kamikaze pilot who flew 27 missions- he doesn’t get the point of what he is meant to do. I have more respect for Bobby Sands.

Daily Mail News Link

Nominated by: Guzziguy

(Notice: For the next few days we have temporarily dropped the number of daily Posts from 4 to 3. This is so that we can keep the Nomination bank suitably replenished.

Quite a few nominations that come in cover the same kind of ground. Therefore we either discard them or merge them with existing processed Posts.

In other cases we sometimes discard nominations that don’t follow some of the rules of a good nomination. (This one, for example, is rather short at less than 5 lines, but we decided to let it through at time of processing a couple of weeks ago.)

Therefore, believing that quality trumps quantity, we have temporarily reduced the number of daily Posts along with a change in publishing times (now set to 7am, 11am and 3pm or thereabouts). But keep your nominations rolling in.

Thank you – The Admin Team)

‘Your Call Is Important To Us’

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A couple of years ago our fridge/freezer packed in. I cunted the fucker for all the inconvenience it caused us, not to mention the cost of buying a relacement. Well lo and behold, said replacement has duly gone on the fritz, springing an even bigger leak than its bastard predecessor. These days an amoeba has a longer life cycle.

Out came the engineer, and after some sucking in of breath and rubbing of chin, a professional opinion was proferred. ‘It’s fucked’ says he. ‘John Lewis can no longer supply a like-for-like replacement on this model, so call the warranty company, quote this reference, and you’ll get a full refund’.

And so it began. Ordeal by phone loop.
*brrrr…brrrr…*
‘Hi. Pleased be advised that your call may be recorded for training and security purposes. Details of our privacy policy can be found at burble blah… in order to connect you to the appropriate advisor, please select from one of the following six options burble blah…’.

*brrrr…brrr…*
‘Hi. Your call is important to us. All of our advisors are currently busy. Please hold, and we will connect you as soon as the next advisor is available…’.
*onset of cheesy music*. A minute or so passes…
‘Your call is important to us. All of our advisors…’.

And the loop of hell continues, along with your growing frustration and uncertainty. Do you hold, not knowing how long you might end up holding for, or do you hang up, knowing that you’ll only have to go through the whole piss-boiling cycle again later? I chose the former option, only to grow more angry with every fucking ‘your call is important to us…’.

So after 47 minutes of utter frustration, I finally got through to the most world-weary advisor I’ve ever heard. Time from the beginning of call to completion of the arrangement for refund; one hour one minute.

At least I was able to curb the urge to take my anger out on the poor sap at the other end of the line. It’s not his fault. For all I know, in fact he could have been the only ‘advisor’ working. The fault lies with the companies concerned; is it too much to ask that they might at least advise of average waiting time, or the caller’s place in the queue? Is it too much to ask that they could offer a call-back service at busy times? Apparently yes, it fucking well is.

Let’s face it; customer service is the last thing on the mind of most businesses out there. Their primary concern is the bottom line on the balance sheet, and customer service doesn’t bring in any lolly to add to the plus side. I don’t think they actually care for us at all in this respect.

Wouldn’t it be nice if they upped their game, and instead of telling us how important our call was to them, they started to fucking act as though it really was? ‘Your call is important to us’ my fucking arse.

Nominated by: Ron Knee