Brighton Beach Influencers

What to do on the hottest day of the year? A good time to take an evening prowl down Brighton Beach to spot the lights. Usually a few signals to/from the illegals dinghies (Brighton is proudly Immigrant Friendly) or a drugs haul coming ashore (Brighton is proudly Drugs Friendly) or a few ID flashes from LGBT+- groups (Brighton is proudly…). Failing that the fiery glow of red hot pebbles from fading hippie fires (try not to step on the spaced out cunts or the hippy shit). Add to that the flickering firmament of mobile phones as far as the eye can see and there is no time to gaze upon natural wonders like the Super Moon (very prominent down here) reflecting in the sea let alone the stars above.

I know boring boring Sir Limply is on the piss again. Maudlin drunk. But fuck me there are bright searchlights springing up all over. A new phenomenon which on investigation turn out to be Brighton Beach trendies setting up their smartphones on tripods with ring lights and microphones (all available in the Pound Shop).

In short this weird breed of work shy cunts that call themselves “Influencers”. A non title for a non job. Fat slags with enhanced lips like chimps fannies flogging their on trend beauty tips online to other fat slags with….Not to forget their allegedly male counter parts with their skinny suits abd fluorescent white teeth.

Feast your eyes on the little tableau above I snapped at the groyne beside the pier. Pictures speak louder than words.

Nominated by : Sir Limply Stoke

Regional Commercial Radio

They all play the same fucking songs and get the local news from somewhere like the ‘Sky News Centre’.

One of my brother’s mates used to work for a local station and during the noughties there was a severe stunting of creative freedom by the executives on behalf of the corporate group (Bauer media) that had bought the station. It was deemed that a local station should no longer feature a programme showcasing local bands or singers, even on a Sunday night. The management wanted the same music and programming all of the time, because they felt a programme about local talent was no longer part of the station’s ‘identity’. Rrright.

Because of this they forced these presenters to play the same old ‘contemporary adult’ mush – Adele, Take That, Keane etc – as the primetime ‘personalities’ the rest of the week, as well as other regional stations, such as Wave 105 (where another mate of mine had worked and thought was dogshit).

This has lead to an exodus of young talent as the more discerning, ambitious and creative types move into podcasting or more genre-specific DAB stations.

I now find regional stations are all the same, and the adverts are constant and repetitive to the point of distraction. Any banter is thoroughly ‘approved’ by corporate cunts and twee as fuck. The playlists are all identical and thoroughly sterilised, with both the aforementioned mush and music by children for children (One Direction kept getting played- very strange on a building site, Katy Perry less so).

The playlists of these stations is so anodyne, that since 2000, my guess for the most played out song of various site and work radios is either Life is a Rollercoaster by Ronan Keating or Torn by Natalie Imbruglia.

If anyone has any other contenders for overplayed songs on commercial radio, well phone in or email us with your suggestions but first here’s the news with some 14 year old girl..


Nominated by Cuntamus Prime.

Cunts On Journeys

A lot of people seem to be on some type of a journey these days. Not the kind where you are sleeping on the floor of an airport terminal or finding out that the train you were hoping to catch has been cancelled because some selfish wankers are on strike. No, these are what I suppose used to be described as journeys of self-discovery but with the rise of social media can mean the most everyday and mundane of things is now ‘a journey’.

Its a narcissists wet dream and the list is literally endless. How about a fat positivity journey? Health fads, diet and bodybuilding journeys? Eating disorders, gay, trans non-binary, mental health, pregnancy or even beard journeys?

Some cunts on their respective and pointless journeys.


Nominated by Liberal Liquidator.

Elvis Presley Films

Think of the great popular music performers of the twentieth century, and certain names immediately spring to mind. Astaire and Sinatra, Holiday and Garland, Dylan and The Beatles; those with a style and a sound that was all their own. And then of course there was the legendary Elvis, the king of rock ‘n’ roll, who captivated us with an incredible string of hits from ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ to ‘In the Ghetto’.

Sadly, that Elvis magic failed to translate itself to the big screen, with The Pelvis featuring in a string of 60s films which were for the most part trite, formulaic and just plain dull.

I was recently reminded of this when the wife returned from what she calls ‘a look around the charity shops’, with half a dozen Elvis films in VHS tape format, retrived from the crap basket at 10p a go.

‘What on earth made you by them?’ says I, ‘they’re shite’.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Elvis film’ says she, ‘let’s give it a go’.

‘Okay’, says I, but don’t say that I didn’t warn you’. Later, I opened a bottle of wine and a big bag of crisps, fired up our steam-powered Philips recorder, and we sat down to watch ‘GI Blues’, in which Elvis plays an army tank crewman… with a singing career.

Opening another bottle, we followed this with ‘Fun In Acapulco’, where Elvis plays as a lifeguard… who’s also a singer in a local hotel. Finally came ‘Easy Come, Easy Go’, where The King pursues a dual career as a deep sea diver and, er, a nightclub singer.

Halfway through this third effort, the wife was visibly twitching, and finally she was forced to admit that Elvis ‘movies’ were indeed crap. ‘Don’t say “I told you so”, or else’, she says with a warning glimmer in her eye.

‘I told you so’ says I, and got a cushion chucked at me for my trouble, quickly followed up with ‘you smug bastard’.

‘Watch it my girl’ says I, ‘or I’ll have you over my knee pants down, and I’ll smack that little arse ’til it’s raw’, which promptly resulted in the hurling of another cushion in my direction.

At which point, I leapt from my chair and chased her screaming and giggling up the stairs, that delightful little bottom wiggling seductively in front of my eyes. Take it from me, it’s a whole lot more fun to watch than ‘Blue fucking Hawaii’.

Oh, he’s a waiter in this, and a singing sensation… how original.


Nominated by Ron Knee.

Sickness Benefit Crackdown Being Put On Hold

This utterly, utterly gutless, cowardly government announced yesterday (6th September) that their review of sickness benefit provision has now been put on hold until after the next general election, probably in 2025.

The official reason for the delay is the complicated consultation work involved, changes to existing regulations and training of health accessors among many other obfuscations.

The current spend on sickness benefits will cost the taxpayer £26 billion this year alone, which is £6 billion more than before the pandemic in real terms, according to the Institute of Fiscal Studies.

The government’s own Office for Budget Responsibility, calculates that 1 in 8 people of working age will be claiming sickness benefit by 2027 at a mind-blowing cost of £77 billion in real terms.

According to stats, there are at least 2.5m on long-term sick, and this will rise over the coming years with the inclusion of mental health issues.

The government are keen to crack down on “suspect” claimants but are too nervous to upset intuitions such as Sense, along with financial backers of the party.

Tory backbenches admit that in all likelihood Labour will become the next government, and therefore it seems pointless implementing a crackdown if its going to be overturned by a more sympathetic Labour party.

But the real issue here is a kick in the balls yet again for the taxpayer who go to work, do a day’s graft, come home knackered and then find in their pay slip deductions for income tax and NICs, some of which is handed over to the feckless cunt over the road who has never done a day’s work but knows how to play the system and is laughing at you!

It is also unfair on the legitimate cases where people are truly sick/incapacitated and are keen to work but for whatever reason cannot. But at the same time can barely manage on the sickness benefits they currently receive. If the government could find some balls and weed out the scumbags and save a few billion some of that could go to these guys who are in desperate need.

But typically the government equivocate even though this problem has been know for years. All too late now though, and Labour just can’t wait to plant some more money trees for the Taxpayer to keep topped up!

MSN Link. (Link fixed by our resident benefits cheat, Night Admin – NA)

Nominated by : Technocunt