Buffet Sneezers, Splutterers and Coughers

This afternoon reminded me of the reason i don’t really enjoy a buffet or spread, even with family.

Unfortunately my brother is prone to sniffles and sneezes over anything, my foghorn sister-in-law coughs loudly and obnoxiously (there is very little she does that isn’t obnoxious) and my dad coughs, sneezes and splutters over anything with a kick, be it white pepper, horseradish, mustard or chilli.

I decided I’d had my fill after a plate of this weekend’s offerings after the family had been in the kitchen, coughing, spluttering and sneezing.

No dessert thanks. I don’t care how nice it would’ve been, or that I paid for half the food. it’s now covered in droplets of sputum.

As the relatives on my dad’s side are all quite greedy (they have always been keen groakers at family meals), i wonder if it is a way of marking the food they intend on ingesting later in the evening. All I can say about it is it’s fucking disgusting, and the main reason i never use buffets in restaurants.

It also seems those who use the buffet, particularly those who frequent AYCE emporia/barns on the outskirts of large provincial towns are malnourished members of the underclass, strangers to green coloured food (they probably eat more blue food than green – wonder if there’s a ratio of green to blue for fat cunts on mobility scooters NHS dieticians have developed) and thus prone to coughing, spluttering and sneezing from a lack of vitamins, and in turn, infect each other via ladles of lurid sludge steeped in MSG.

Heart News

Nominated by: Cuntamus Prime

PhotoKate

There have been a few ‘gates’ over the years. Cunters will no doubt recall the likes of Watergate, Irangate and Whitewatergate, not to mention our very own (much more recent) Party gate.

All of these are eclipsed however by the very latest bombshell to hit the news; a saga the like of which hasn’t been seen since the abdication crisis, and which has plunged the Royal Family and the nation into utter turmoil.

I refer of course to what I’ll term ‘Photogate’. In a calculated and cynical attempt to deceive the world, Princess Catherine issued a picture of herself and her children, wishing everyone a happy Mother’s Day. Immediately the media sensed that something wasn’t right. A massive investigation began, leading to a shocking, staggering conclusion. The image had been ‘altered’, leading many news agencies to withdraw it from circulation.

Just what the hell was going on? Clearly sinister forces were at work here, and a global furore erupted. Just what was the Palace trying to hide? Was the princess much sicker than we’d told? Was the ‘doctored’ photo hiding the fact that a body double was in play, Putin style? Did the original image reveal signs that the princess was part lizard woman? Has she been abducted by aliens?

A statement has now been released, claiming to come from the princess herself. This says that she’s an amateur photographer herself, and that she often ‘tweaked’ photos on her computer, which was the case here. It concluded with an apology for any confusion.

Pathetic and deceitful. This just won’t wash, particularly as the palace refuses to disclose the original picture. The ‘deep state’ is clearly at work here, and will resort to any measure to keep the facts from the people.

Well I say this. We are entitled to the truth. A conspiracy of silence will no longer suffice. The nation which survived the worst that Hitler could throw at us can take it, however bad it is. We should be told.

The Sun

Nominated by Ron Knee.

Primary School Kids Still Not Toilet Trained (2)

Sending your kids to school in nappies.
Really? If you do this, you really are a cunt.

The Independent

I almost didn’t believe this, but I asked Aunty Google, and it’s true.
Not only are some parents sending their kids to school only partly toilet trained, but some roll up with a pack of pull-up and wipes, and seem to think it’s not only the teachers job to clean shitty arses, but also to complete the toilet training.

Fucking unbelievable! I’d reserve the right of any teacher to refuse a place at the school for any child aged 5 who wasn’t ( excluding the odd accident) fully toilet trained.

Nominated by: Jeezum Priest

Hate Speech

This courtesy of our friend, Justin Welby. The old Etonian who lives in a palace and wants our country swamped with Muslims and Africans.

‘The Most Rev Justin Welby said he had heard MPs and members of the Church of England making hateful comments “in the last few weeks” without specifying the incidents he was referring to.’

How intriguing.

MSN

As I see it, hate speech is anything said that the left, the woke or the esteemed Archbishop doesn’t agree with.

Women cant have bollocks – hate speech.

Calling a bloke dressed up him – hate speech and misgendering. (Surely misgendering is having bollocks and claiming to be a woman?)

Any criticism of Islam – hate speech and of course blasphemy although this doesn’t seem to apply to Christian views which are fair game. As are Jews.

Deploring the masses continually demonstrating against Israel and for Hamas – hate speech.

Anything remotely critical of all the fucking Gay Pride events – hate speech.

However anything denigrating whites, Britain, our heritage is fine. Just try denigrating blacks, Islam or the aid dependency of Africa and you are fucked.

Is there a legal definition?
Fuck knows.

Nominated by: Cuntstable Cuntbubble

The Russian Presidential “Election”

EMERGENCY CUNTING

Voting is underway today to elect the next President of Russia. Unsurprisingly the current tyrant, Vladimir Putin is expected to win a fifth term in office.

Hardly surprising when you allegedly murder the opposition candidate. So what’s on the ballot paper?

“Register your vote as follows :
(1) Vlad the warmonger
(2) Take me to a Siberia gulag and kill me
REMEMBER your vote is not confidential and you MUST vote”

Yeah… tough decision…

BBC News

Nominated by: Dioclese