is a cunt.
Lettuce is fucking rubbish.
Some interesting facts about lettuce.
98% of a lettuce is water. The other 2% is whatever makes it green and solid.
Scientists are yet to discover what the 2% is, as they couldn’t be arsed to find out.
There has never been a case of panic buying of lettuces anywhere in the world.
There is more nutritional value in the plastic bag that the lettuce came in than the lettuce itself.
The first and only lettuce festival in the UK, which was due to be held in Bucknall, Lincolnshire in 1935 had to be cancelled as nobody turned up, not even the organiser.
No heterosexual male has ever brought a lettuce.
Lettuce is grown from seeds, but just like the Coke Cola recipe, only 3 people know where the seeds come from.
Nobody has ever found a seed in a lettuce.
The Lettuce Marketing Board consists of just one person who works part time from home.
The annual budget for the LMB is £26.50p and the person who is the Marketing Board was made a life peer for introducing the L into a BT sandwich, therefore tripling sales.
The centre of a lettuce is reputed to be deadly poisonous with no known antidote.
This fact is rarely published as no one has ever reached the centre of a lettuce.
In the remote French hamlet of Gavarnie-Gèdre
there is a lettuce fiesta which boosts the tiny village population from 846 people to closer to 860.
Tractors pull trailers full of lettuces through the streets which are thrown into the crowd.
The tradition started in 1841 when a farmer grew a field full of lettuces by mistake and threw them into his neighbour’s field to get rid of them.
His neighbour promptly threw them back.
When scientists put the phrase, “I like lettuce” into the search facilities of the first computers, the circuit boards melted.
We know more about the core of Saturn than the centre of a lettuce.
Before fridges, you would use a few leaves from the outer layer of a lettuce, and the following day chuck the rest away as it would be going rotten.
With fridges, there is now a drawer at the bottom dedicated to the remaining part of a lettuce, where it can be stored for up to a week before chucking it away.
If all of the lettuce put into landfill every year were stacked up, they would reach to the moon and back SEVEN times.
There are 46 different varieties of lettuce.
When surveyed, the general public could name only Iceberg and Rocket before wandering away, disinterested.
When a study group of 897 volunteers in Stockholm, Sweden were offered the choice between a lettuce leaf and a chocolate hob-nob, nobody chose the lettuce.
Women, póófs and trannies sometimes try to make a sandwich look fancy by adding a lettuce leaf to the contents.
They always leave some of the lettuce hanging out of the sandwich as otherwise, you wouldn’t have a clue that it was there by the taste.
The phrase, “Could I have a little more lettuce with that?” has never appeared in literature or in song lyrics in any language in the world, ever.
In the summer of 1895 the entire lettuce stock of the UK was destroyed by lettuce blight.
Nobody gave a fuck.
The domain name for Caserta, Campania, Italy
Is ce.it.
The website address lettu.ce.it has been available since 1996 at a price of 3 euros and is yet to be claimed.
Supermarkets have to throw away 65% of their lettuces at the end of every day.
The remaining 35% are sold to customers who throw them away the following day.
Lettuces were never native to Italy.
When Julius Ceasar first saw one in what is modern day Germany and was later asked what he thought of it, he is quoted as saying, “Veni, vidi, abieci”.
I came, I saw, I chucked it away.
The term for a lettuce grower is ‘cunt’.
The plural is ‘bunch of cunts’.
©Lettuce is Wank. Volume 3. Artful Cunter Production Co. Ltd.
ruhlman.com
Nominated by The Artful Cunter.
