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Adele [9]
73
I smell a cunt.
If there are any bored mathematicians out there, then please tell me what is the probability that after Adele’s gushing appreciation of a former teacher on stage at a recent gig, then lo and behold, in a scene reminiscent of ‘this is your life’, and much to the harpie’s surprise, who is in the audience? – fuck me it’s the aforementioned teacher herself who is asked onto the stage.
Prearranged? I think so. What a cynical sanctimonious skriking cunt.
The cunting doesn’t end there.
After leaving the stage to replaster her mascara streaked face, she spots erstwhile cunting candidate chatty-man Alan Carr and gets him up to fill in for her (not like that, obviously)
Nominated by : Lord Cuntington of Kuntston upon Hull
People who send Christmas Round Robins (2) …
… are smug, self-congratulatory, deluded cunts.
As predictable as bottom wind at 7pm on Christmas evening, I await our ‘friend’ Bunty’s annual 4-page mélange of family achievement – Hugo’s Grade 4 violin, Poppy’s rosettes at the Pony Club Gymkhana, husband Roger’s promotion and the new friends Bunty made at Holistic Pilates, all spiced with a dash of name dropping and faux concern for others less fortunate. Wonderful holidays, wonderful family, wonderful life.
The irony is that had she consulted Debretts, the bible of social mores, Bunty would have found that Christmas Round Robins are a definite no-no:
So for fellow cunters who are the recipients of these unwanted tomes, I offer the following 10-point Bullshit Translation Plan:
1. ‘Hugo was the star of the Nativity Play’.
– Hugo was fourth shepherd on the left and forgot his one line.
2. ‘Poppy can’t decide between Oxford and Cambridge’.
– Poppy will be lucky to get into Diversity Studies at East London.
3. ‘Roger came into some money and invested it in a Porsche Turbo Cabriolet’.
– Roger’s Aunt Betty croaked and he is using the inheritance to fund his mid-life crisis.
4. ‘Poppy split up with her boyfriend when she decided he wasn’t right for her’.
– He fancied it up the arse and she was having none of it.
5. ‘St Swithin’s have moved Hugo to a class more suited to his needs’.
– The remedial class.
6. ‘Here is a photo of us at our little hideaway on Bali’.
– I’ve photoshopped out Poppy’s tattoos.
7. ‘We had a chat with the Beckhams at Wimbledon this year’.
– I asked David for an autograph and his bag of bones told me to piss off.
8. ‘Roger went to Magaluf in May for a golfing weekend with Brian from Accounts and Justin from Marketing’.
– Roger went to Magaluf in May for a dirty weekend with Lucy, the airheaded little trollop from the typing pool.
9. ‘Mr Snugglekins our cat continues to bring us great joy and pleasure’.
– The fucking thing keeps leaving half-eaten mice on the doorstep.
10. ‘The Christmas illuminations in the village warm the heart at this time of year’.
– The council houses are all lit up with tacky Chinese tat. Yuk!
Merry Christmas Bunty, you stuck up bitch.
(Names have been changed to preserve anonymity. and avoid legal action.)
Nominated by: Geordie Twatt
Dead Pool [309]
Congratulations to Cuntstable Cuntbubble for correctly predicting the final outro of Shane MacGowan. He was 65.
It says here that Shane MacGowan, the boozy, rabble-rousing singer (singer? – NA) and chief songwriter of The Pogues, infused traditional Irish music with the energy and spirit of punk. MacGowan’s songwriting and persona made him an iconic figure in contemporary Irish culture, and some of his compositions have become classics — most notably the bittersweet Christmas ballad “Fairytale of New York”.
Onwards with Dead Pool 309. You know the rules:
1) Pick 5 famous cunts you think will conk out next. It is first come first serve and no duplicates are allowed. You can always be a cunt and steal someone else’s nominations from the previous pool.
2) Anyone who nominates the world’s oldest man or woman is a cunt who will be ignored.
3) It must be a famous cunt who we have heard of.
4) No swapping picks mid pool unless already taken.
5) Hits are rewarded based on the chronology of death reporting not necessarily chronology of death.
Let the game begin!
The BBC [104], Russel T. Davies and Doctor Who [8]
Just when you thought this programme couldn’t get any more woke or absurd, it has done.
The Time Lord hero and his/her/its companions have already been woked to buggery. And the less said about the stories, the better. To see the female dark personage ‘Doctor’ in the official BBC 60th anniversary line-up of all the Doctor’s incarnations is nauseating enough. She had a small part in one episode (as – wait for it – a ‘Doctor of the future’🙄). The great Peter Cushing – who starred in two Doctor Who/Dalek films – is not included because he is not BBC or official, yet she is?! A curling woke turd of the highest order.🤢
But… But it gets worse. Because now they are woking the villains too.🤣
Executive Producer (‘showrunner’ my arse) Russell .T. Davies is making Davros an able bodied man (and white if he’s evil, naturally). Apparently Davies claims that it’s ‘offensive’ and a ‘stereotype’ to portray ‘dIsabled people’ as evil.
Somebody should tell Russell .E. Coyote that Davros is not a person. He is an alien Kaled from the planet Skaro. Davros also isn’t disabled. He is a Kaled/Dalek hybrid. He does not go around in a wheelchair and claim disability benefit. Davros is also fucking fictional, always has been.
Once again, the BBC and their lackeys are turning entertianment and escapism into a politically correct lecture, by shoehorning ‘real issues’ into it. The cunts would put sambeaus, poofs and climate change into the Magic Roundabout if it was still on.
Davies said (about the original and classic Davros) that ‘society has moved on’. Why doesn’t this mincing ninny get to fuck? What has society got to do with a ficticious alien mad scientist?🤔
And as for disabled people not being evil? Has the cunt heard of Oscar Pistorius?
Radio Times Link.
Nominated by : Norman
Illustrated Instruction Manuals
A common and hugely irritating annoyance when buying products these days is the accompanying instruction manual that is basically a set of pictures laid out in – hopefully – a chronological sequence in order for you to construct your DIY flat pack furniture, or fit a fridge, TV or basically anything large or small.
However, the designers of these manuals do this in order to save shedloads on multi-language textual instructions. They assume, therefore, that by just having pictures/sketches will be understood by everyone.
Utter bollocks in most cases, especially when it involves complicated or vague steps such as using the right screw, nut and bolt for a particular join, but you have about 6 different types to choose from but all look the same.
The attached link is just one example, but there are far worse picto-manuals than this. Moreover, what these cunning bastards are doing more often now is not enclosing instruction sheets at all. Instead you have to scan a QR code, register and then download the manual from their site.
Not only do you have to put up with understanding the logical sequence of badly-detailed diagrams, but you’ve just given them your contact details for you to be spammed with by 3rd party cunts.
Nominated by Technocunt.