Sharks go woke

A leading Australian researcher wants to rename shark attacks to ‘shark encounters’ to stop the negative stereotype.

Presumably the horrible stereotype of being mauled/killed by a shark. If they later want to get injury lawyers to sue people who injure sharks might I suggest the name ‘No fin, no fee’?

Shark Microaggression

Nominated by: LazyBiscuits

The Bedwetting Media

22 skiddoo.

Feeding the public’s relatively newfound appetite for being afraid, I have noticed a ratcheting up of the language of dread in recent scoops.

Exhibit One:

The current heatwave is a ‘natural disaster’ that could lead to the deaths of hundreds (fuck me)…cue for limp twats everywhere to shit their pants:

Exhibit Two:

A man was ‘alarmed’. Police are investigating. Take my advice cunters, stay indoors until this emergency is officially over and the PM has made a fucking statement:

Soon an old lady falling over will be national news.

This country is fucking shit, full of Softy Walter types (acknowledgement to Dennis the Menace). Have the Lib Dems gained political power without me realising? I am ashamed to be British. I think I will change my nationality to Cuntish. Fuck off.

Nominated by – Twenty Thousand Cunts Under the Sea


Martyn Smith

Apologies for the image quality, it’s quite hard to find a good picture of the cunt.

A cunting for the despicable motherfucking cunt who is, and I’d rather type, ‘Was’, Martyn Smith.

Who? This Gold-Plated Cunt stabbed two paramedics who attended his house following a call to check on his welfare.

He stabbed one in the chest and the other in the back as he ‘Exited’ the building. Fortunately, the police were also in attendance and arrested the cunt, and, also caught the attack on their bodycams.

It is a sobering watch as the poor bastards attend what should be a routine call and are confronted with this. Also, the sentence handed out for stabbing two of my green colleagues? NINE fucking years. Yeah, that told him….

Nominated by – DCI Gene Cunt

The Emmys

Hold the IsAC front page Admin!

News is breaking that the Duke and Duchess of Netflix could be getting an award for their *a-hem* ‘bombshell’ interview with arch race-baiter Oprah ‘Wrighty in a wig’ Winfrey.
Crikey, the two-hour sob and whinge fest has only gotten itself a nomination for a bloody EMMY award in the (wait for it!) ‘Outstanding Hosted Non-fiction’ category. No, you read it right first time; that’s ‘NON-FICTION’ category!

Now in case any of you out there in IsACland aren’t aware, the EMMYs are handed out Stateside for ‘the achievement of excellence in the television industry’.
Bwa ha ha ha ha! Non-fiction; no fucking shit Sherlock!

You sometimes have to wonder whether our cousins across the pond are losing the plot. An award for a poorly-researched piece of schlock that’s been shown to be riddled with deceit and falsehoods which were left unchallenged throughout? You’ve got to be kidding.
Excellence my arse. The Emmys, just like the Oscars, have become nothing more than a sad joke.

Special Emmy for Harry and Meghan

Nominated by: Ron Knee

Getting old (2)

Just have your Grandson win a golden ticket you’ll be out of bed in no time.

So getting old is a cunt,

A little back ground, I used to do “stuff” I would carry my body weight run for miles, shoot shit I even got medals for it and now.

Well the not walking bit I got used to, now I have a bit of a belly. I can still see my cock ( it fires dairy lea now and not cottage cheese, but that’s another story).

My eyes are fucked!, I can see in the distance better than most but some of the things I buy in the supermarket are not quite I expected when I get them home. In fact I seem to have transformed into one of those old codgers from a meet the regiment reunion.

The Mrs has IBS, so I thought she would be a bit understanding, last month we went on a dog walk, I cant walk that fast any more but dropped lots of hints, we need to go home (hint fucking hint).

So almost at the door.. finish line I just said, well I have shit myself now so it does not matter ( fortunately not past cheeks), she suggested that after 10 years together that we need to stop “sharing these things” but fuck it, if she can turn round due to IBS why do I have to do a slow motion BFT when I am not feeling so good?
This getting old business is not playing well with me.

Nominated with far too much information that I personally wished to read at this time of day by – lord benny(not quite deceased, but close)