Speed Bumps

Speed bumps give me the right hump, the cunts.
Now I fully appreciate the original rationale behind putting these fucking miniature pyramids on urban roads; it was to ‘calm’ traffic, with the aim of reducing accidents and even saving lives. It was well meaning, right?
Well obviously I’m no expert on the subject, but I question whether they do achieve their goal to any significant extent, and I reckon that they may actually be more fucking trouble than they’re worth. As far as I can see, self-styled ‘real’ drivers of the ‘boy racer’ (and increasingly ‘girl racer’) persuasion see them as a challenge rather than a deterrent, and hurtle across them as though they’re on safari somewhere in a tank-like 4×4. On the other hand, your thoughtful, more responsible driver is mindful of the speed limit anyway, and if anything s/he probably finds the presence of these hulking obstructions every few yards to be a source of irritation and frustration, which might in turn lead to loss of concentration or even ‘road rage’. I’d also bet that humps are a factor in channelling traffic away from roads where they’re present onto those where they aren’t, just moving the speed management issue elsewhere, and increasing congestion in the process. It’s my view then that these lumps might not just be ineffective, but actually counter-productive.
In any case, any rational argument for speed bumps ultimately carries little weight with me. No, I readily admit that my loathing may seem pretty irrational; I just hate the personal discomfort that these cunts cause me. My Dacia is a sturdy little car, but let’s face it, it’s no BMW, and the suspension leaves, shall we say, something to be desired. Driving around my local suburban streets is like negotiating a bleeding obstacle course, and being constantly bumped up and down plays havoc with my aching back and joints (fuck knows what it does to the car). I can absolutely guarantee that I’ll be in a lot worse mood when I get out than when I got in, and I’ll bet I’m not the only one. Counter-productive, as I said.
If it was down to me, every one of these bastards would be ripped out tomorrow and consigned to the nearest landfill. Well, all bar one. This would be inserted up the arse of whoever came up with the idea in the first place, sideways.

Nominated by Ron Knee

34 thoughts on “Speed Bumps

  1. Alongside the great cunting Ron I would like to compliment your nom and savage those fucking “traffic calming” measures that involve a series of chicanes where one way has to queue and the opposite direction has right of way, onto the next one a hundred yards further down and you have the right of way. Great if you have one brain cell more than a plant or a dick between your legs but fuck me, they are a total and absolute shite when used incorrectly, which most of them are and only compliment the cunt nom by Ron.

  2. Speed bumps are like Labour politicians:They cost public money and do nothing but FUCK PEOPLE RIGHT OFF.

    Anjem Chodhury is out this week. This cunt needs to be snipered ASAP.
    What benefits will he get? JSA? He spends his whole time promoting terrorism not job hunting.

    A vile,dangerous threat to national security this one. He epitomises why Islam gets a bad name.
    His wife covers up and he spends all day with men sporting beards. A tad gay,don’t you think?

  3. Good cunting Ron. On a positive note, speed bumps are a real bastard for those cunts (normally slopes, rag heads and bankers) who drive around London in cunt cars like Ferraris and Lamborghinis. Their teeth must fall out when crossing bumps in those cars!

  4. Yes they’re a cunt. If you have a four by four they’re no fucking problem. I get really fucked of with twatty cunts who speed between the bumps and suddenly hit the brakes,whereas if they drove at the correct speed there would little obstacle or resistance. And I’d shit in their Shreddies the cunts. Speaking of which Shreddies are promoted as Original Shreddies “New Improved Flavour.” Which is it then cunts, original or new improved, it can’t be both. Either way it’s now desiccated shit in a box. A bit like Romelu Lukaku. I’d shit in his Shreddies too.

  5. They should take out every single concrete obscenity and use it all to backfill the bloody potholes in our roads.

    These pieces of solidified cunt do nothing to stop SUV wankers who can clear the whole thing, exactly the sort of cunts it was designed to impede.

    Going to get a motorbike soon. No more obstructions ah-ha!

  6. Council put a load of Matterhorn sized fuckers down the village hill – mainly to impede the idiotic speeds achieved by mothers in 4x4s “safely” whizzing their sprogs to and from the school at the bottom end.

    Come last winter and the snowploughs were twanging them off the tarmac ’cause they didn’t know where the cunts were, under 8″ of snow

    Dozy fuckers.

    • We seem to have the same village problems Mr Reviled. Good old snow ploughs, they should finish the job this winter and get rid of the rest of the speed bumps.

  7. And in next week’s Doctor Who Sugartits Jodie and the cast of Different Strokes meet someone called Rosa Parks… That didn’t take long, did it?….

    As that old Scouse slag, Cilla would say, ‘Surprise Sur-fucking-prise!’
    Or as Bayern Munich said in 1999, ‘Didn’t fucking see that coming!’

    Oh, I forgot, it’s no longer a science fiction show full of entertainment and escapism, but an ‘educational’ programme to teach us British ‘thickos’ how great black people are… Fuck the BBC up their own arses, but I think they’ve already done that… Cunts…

    • Let’s face it Norman, it’s been a pile of cunt for years now. Just makes you wonder what the next regeneration will end up as; black lezza’s my guess, but it might be a peaceful (in a postbox if it’s a woman)

  8. Birmingham City Council, are a bunch of useless incompetent cunts at the best of times – but the way they are fucking up the city’s already fucked up road network takes the biscuit!

    Speed bumps everywhere, along with other so-called traffic-calming measures that simply don’t work. They reduce speed limits on main A roads from 40 down to 20 in stretches, that only causes more jams and accidents because regular drivers are not used to the speed reduction. They also confuse people about how you’re suppose to turn left at a junction but without entering a bus lane – if you do and you’re caught on camera (for which they have many for shit like this) then you’re fined £30 or more!

    Add to all that the complete fucking shambles they are making with various major city centre redevelopments with confusing road-closure and road-diversion signs, and traffic lights that don’t work in sequence thus causing more accidents and/or congestion.

    And finally who the fuck needs to spend cash on speed bumps when our existing roads are falling apart with gaping cracks marginally smaller than Sarah Ferguson’s gash; pot holes the size of Stephen Fry’s “hubby’s” arsehole, and zebra & pelican crossings that don’t work!

    In 2010 the incompetent council asked those other useless fuckwits Amey to maintain the city’s roads over a 25 year contractual period at an eye-watering £2.8bn. 8 years later and both parties have gone to court over contractual problems – not least Amey for not doing the job they were asked to do!

    And don’t start me off with those cuntish drivers who think parking their 4×4 gangsta tank on pavements or the middle of the fucking road is perfectly acceptable!

    Traffic calming = one big fucking joke!

    • Doesn’t sound too bad. Here in Leicester we have potholes in the speed humps, makes for interesting avoidance.

  9. Well cunted Mr Knee – speed bumps are a fucking bore.

    I prefer lady bumps myself.

    Morning all.

  10. There’s speed bumps every twenty yards in our village.
    The snow from last year was a blessing as the snow plough took out half of them. They are the rubber bumps which are lethal to cars.

  11. About 1 in 10 modern Vauxhall Corsas and Merivas I see have a broken front lower plastic trim caused I believe by speed bumps. Why did GM fit them?

  12. Speaking of bumps Hewitt’s old woman has got a bun in the oven. Fucking great.
    Cue loads of pathetic cunts standing outside some posh hospital for days on end just to wave their little flags for 30 seconds.

  13. Latest and breaking cunt news, Prince ‘I’m not actually Charles sprog’ Harry has knocked up Markle. She locked him down real quick.

    Next up, divorce and king sized alimony. Ding ding ding!

    • Never fear, when it all goes tits-up and the divorce is done and dusted in the next 18 months, the good old taxpayer will be there to foot the alimony bill!

    • I’ve ordered bunting for the Royal Divorce Street Party. (Also ginger beer and black pudding.)

  14. Mystic Belinda predicts…

    That it won’t be long before cars are sold with under-the-bonnet kit to stop them exceeding speed limits, and track them via all the radio masts and related technology. They will be programmed not to stop anywhere near “places of interest”, eg. pubs, take-aways, known knocking-shops &c.

    Of course, if leccy cars come to pass in large numbers, there’ll be little chance of the things going anywhere (grid collapses under strain of chargeing), if it’s cold, batteries will pack up after twenty minutes, anything near full-speed or advertised range will never be attained…

    I’m off to buy my Old Cunts’ Rail Pass (15% transport, 85% en-route storage…); I shall be kept warm by smugness and the warmth of boiling piss…

    • Not so sure about that Belinda. That would cost money to implement as opposed to the status quo which brings in chunky sized lumps of cash from speeding fines.

      • Agreed, PM…

        But if I’ve had the idea, I bet someone else has too. What is more worrying, the other person might be in a position of power and “responsibility” !!

  15. Near where I live there is a 560 yd road next to a fenced off park, with one small entrance half way down it. This road has 10 speed humps and a rumble strip along it. Elf and safety madness and the residents on this road fucking hate em too. Our local Council is a cunt, they waste tax payers money on stupid projects that the majority don’t want and give everyone the hump.

    • Sometimes I wonder why ‘dead of night’ vigilantism against these cunts isn’t widespread, like it’s been with speed cameras. Fear, I suppose. I really want to go out with a sledgehammer and smash them up but don’t want to get lifted by the scuffers.

  16. Fucking speed humps and traffic calming? Absolute cunts. I would personally like to break the fucking vertebrae of the cunt that sanctions them, stick them in the back of my fucking ambulance with no pain relief and then drive the cunt to hospital over the fucking speed humps the cunt’s authorised. Sweet bastard justice. And we’d have taken our pissin’ time getting to the cunt because of the traffic calming measure that the dimwit, fuckwit general public can’t get to grips with.

    I thank you for listening.

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