Internet passwords

Internet passwords are cunts, aren’t they?

I remember my first internet account, a hotmail.com aeons ago. Subsequently I opened another, to use as a work one. It’ll make life more simple, I reckoned, easier to organise things. Later, I opened one without my name for extraneous leisure activity. The trouble was, I had to remember the bloody passwords.

I opened a Yahoo one because they were best for images, apparently.
Then you had to change your password once a month. Sigh.

My mates opened gmail accounts and advised me to open one, especially as later you could align your youchoob thingy or something. I also had to open one for my mobile. Plus ones at work. More passwords.

You want to close your account? Achingly difficult. Harder to get rid of than a Pakî on disability benefits.

MySpace came and went, followed by Fakebook and other superfluous Soshul Meeja wank. Amazon wanted one, as did job sites, council cunts and a site on which I bought a railway ticket! My bank insisted on one, as did some shite site whenever I paid on visa.

We all know the story:-
“Password incorrect, please enter new password.”
[Captain M. enters new password]
“You cannot use your old password!”
[Captain M. enters the name of his favourite past girlfriend]
“Password must contain a number”
[alexa1]
“Password must contain eight letters”
[alexachung1]
“Password must contain a capital letter”
[Alexchung1]
“Password must contain a weird, unnecessary character.”
[Â¥iWantToPlayHideTheSausageAndGiveAlexaChung1]

Cunts!

Moreover, May your God/Buddha/Invisible Friend have mercy on you if you are abroad and refused entry. Fuck’s Sake, it took months off my life sorting it out. I sometimes wish I could live off the grid and tell the internet to Shit Off.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

11 thoughts on “Internet passwords

  1. I feel your pain!

    I have worked in IT for over 20 years, and one of the most necessary evils is passwords (and/or pin numbers, pass-phrases)

    A lot of applications insist on at least 8 alpha-numeric characters for a password; some will make sure you haven’t used the same password previously; some will insist you change the password after 72 days; some will insists in a 2nd method of authentication. And that’s just for PCs and laptops!

    Add to that tablets, smartphones, smart televisions, satnav, InternetOfThings etc, all of them requiring a login and a password. Or in my case I have to remember server passwords, routers, access points, switches and other hardware bollocks that demands some form of security protection.

    You can use those online password managers, which are fine to an extent. But you’re also putting your eggs in one basket, and just like the Cloud generally, if it goes offline and/or hacked, then you’re well and truly fucked! (the term “Cloud” always makes me laugh, because in reality you’re dumping all your crap on someone else’s server!)

    Some applications do give password hints, that are better than nothing But quite often than not you end up clicking “Forgot your password, you thick cunt!?” and start over.

    I generally use passphrases – much easier to remember and far difficult to hack (other than by keylogger etc). So memorable things like “Maybot-is-a-traitorous-cunt-and-should-be-burnt-on-a-stake” works for me, should I care to go down that road.

  2. I am required to change my password every 3 months at work.
    I have had issues with a member of staff who has finally been dismissed.
    my current password is
    “Sack(persons name)11!”
    that’s over 2 and a half years pain in a password.

  3. Due to a password cock up, my mate Sid became a victim of id theft.
    He’s just called S now….

  4. Work is king cunt of password requirements, changing every 3 months. Can’t be the same so I just add an extra symbol on the end of the last. Trouble is remembering how many.. get it wrong 3 times and you’re locked out until IT turn up.

    Biometrics sounds kind of appealing now. Just don’t barcode me or stick a chip in my wrist.

  5. My new password is going to be “AnotherParasiteToFeedEvenWhenTheyDivorce”

    Fuck know how many will have been shat out in the next five years in the ever-gleaning carousel.

  6. My password to get into my work station is ‘chuck me the matches so I can light this fecking forge up’ the simple joys of an ancient craft that is hard to digitise and computerise, brilliant.

  7. I got a bollocking years ago for changing the office generic password to W4nker. No sense of humour the cunts.

  8. I write all my passwords and PIN numbers on a piece of paper which I keep safely in my wallet. If I’m robbed, I’ll expect the banks to refund me.

  9. In my previous life, I gave up on the back of the diary lark. I just entered the 20 passwords needed to do my job on an A4 word document and printed off a new version each time a password changed.

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