Soap Operas

I bloody well loathe telly soap operas, nearly all of which are well past their sell-by date and fit only for boiling down to make glue.

The sure sign that the well of inspiration for believable storylines has truly run dry on these cod dramas is when the production team has to fall back on ludicrous crime plots; serial killers, attempted murders, rape and kidnapping and what-have-you. Who among the more cynically inclined could fail to treasure the moment when ‘the Corrie Killer’ made his debut? Just one of many shark-jumping moments in the life of that wheezing old dinosaur.

My thesis was borne out a couple of evenings back when the wife looked up from her laptop and said “listen to this. Apparently Weatherfield is the most violent town in the world, worse than places in Mexico and Brazil, even”.

“Huh?” says I vaguely, sipping my wine and wondering if I’d heard correctly.

“No listen” she goes on. “It says here that ‘Corrie’ has clocked up 467 serious crimes, including 36 murders. ‘EastEnders’ has 437 serious crimes, including 42
murders. ‘Emmerdale’ and ‘Hollyoaks’ have…”

“Yes thank you my sweet”, says I, “for those fascinating yet ludicrous statistics”.

“You sarky old git” says she. “I was only trying to make a bit of conversation. Tell you what, lets talk about something IN-TER-EST-ING, like Villa’s new manager”.

“Touché” says I with a grin, as she gets up from her chair. “Where are you off to?”.

“I’m going through to the front room” says she with frosty sweetness. “It’s nearly time for ‘EastEnders’, and you know how much I like a bit of true to life drama”.

Yes indeed. It must be about time for a space psychotic astronaut to crash the space station on Albert Square, or for ISIS suicide bombers to hold fifty people hostage in ‘the Queen Vic’ before blowing the place to smithereens. Soaps are nothing if not realistic.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

111 thoughts on “Soap Operas

  1. And don’t forget the climate change storyline that a load of soaps are collaborating on, to be aired in November.
    Can barely contain my indifference.
    On the other hand, I’d love a soapy titwank from Charity Dingle and Liz Mcdonald.

    • Hopefully the climate change storyline will involve mile thick glaciers entombing the cunts in a new ice age.

      • That’s an interesting one!
        Wonder if we’ll see a soap tackle climate change as an ‘ishoo’ storyline any time soon, you know, residents in Corrie or Albert Sq going on about insulation and getting solar panels, or somebody going on about crop damage in Emmerdale.
        It could be riveting stuff…

      • ‘Mile thick in Mile End’

        Or even less realistically, someone casually looking up from a newspaper and saying

        ‘it says here Boris has finally admitted it was all a colossal scam to fleece and control the unwashed hordes. Put the kettle on.’

  2. Soaps? Don’t watch them.
    Our kid used to work a very “upmarket” nightclub in Leeds, Steve Halliwell who plays Zak Dingle in Emmerdale was a regular customer and by all accounts he liked a good drink but was always a complete gentleman – I would have preferred to see t’ vicar and Amos in a brawl t’ deeth – ah say t’ deeth – with Joe and Jack Sugden as Annie Sugden looked on disapprovingly and rolled pastry – all she EVER fkin did was roll pastry and look disapproving!

    • Just after I left school, I worked briefly in the hols at a grocer’s (they weren’t really called supermarkets then) in Moseley Village in Brum.
      I think that there must have been a rehearsal studio or something nearby, because half the cost of ‘Crossroads’ used to come in to buy groceries. This was in the very early days, when it actually was pretty good while the original ‘Meg Richardson’ set of characters were on (the odd forgotten line, missed cue or bit of falling scenary apart!). After a couple of years it ran into the wall, crashed and burned.
      It was funny hearing chef ‘Carlos Rafael’ speaking out of character; he was actually a Brummie I believe.

  3. Soaps! Fucking mind numbing, fuckwittery for brain dead cunts like my ex! Years ago I was forced to watch Emmerdale just to appease her and found myself hating the ever living fuck out of a character called Rachael Hughes, or as I called her Yule Grinner! Irritating little split arse had a fixed grin which was totally inappropriate. After watching one episode I voiced my thoughts and said ‘You know everyone in this load of old bollocks fucking hates her. I wouldn’t be surprised if one them pushes her off a fucking big cliff (not that colostomy bag wearing, kiddie fiddling cunt). I was told I was sick in the head and it’s only a story! I’ll be back later to voice my opinion on that other useless fucking cunt Ian Beale!

    • Ian Beale?
      Isn’t he the Ken Barlow of ‘KnobEnders’, the only original cast member, married about 20 times or something?

  4. On the topic of Soaps – that deaf one from one of these shows, now trying to dance in strictly mincing. Needs a good seeing to.

  5. The only soap I have listened too recently is The Archers. Apparently it needed tarting up (dumbing down) so they took in a lot of Eastenders scriptwriters and editors. Lots of queer characters. I always felt sorry for Adam who was sent off to Public School aged about 8 and returned 30 years later aged 38 no wonder he was queer. It has now become an every day story of cuntry woke.

    • Nearly 20,000 episodes.
      Christ, what is there possibly left to do that hasn’t been done already?
      Sometimes they need just to let something go.

  6. My missus watches Emerdale so I whilst I am on this site I am subconsciously subjected to take in some of the Utter shite that has the nerve to call itself entertainment, the acting skills of the entire cast is embarrassing, the tall cunt in particular who works in the Pub would fail an audition as an extra in a 70s German Porno, he is that bad.!! The Murder rate for a small village in Yorkshire is higher than some border city in Mexico, even the meanest Drug Cartel would shit themselves if they lived there.!

  7. I remember watching neighbours in my teens and Eastenders me and a friend had a thing for chavvy slut Whitney, imagining what her dirty chav fanny looked and smelled like.

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