Soap Operas

I bloody well loathe telly soap operas, nearly all of which are well past their sell-by date and fit only for boiling down to make glue.

The sure sign that the well of inspiration for believable storylines has truly run dry on these cod dramas is when the production team has to fall back on ludicrous crime plots; serial killers, attempted murders, rape and kidnapping and what-have-you. Who among the more cynically inclined could fail to treasure the moment when ‘the Corrie Killer’ made his debut? Just one of many shark-jumping moments in the life of that wheezing old dinosaur.

My thesis was borne out a couple of evenings back when the wife looked up from her laptop and said “listen to this. Apparently Weatherfield is the most violent town in the world, worse than places in Mexico and Brazil, even”.

“Huh?” says I vaguely, sipping my wine and wondering if I’d heard correctly.

“No listen” she goes on. “It says here that ‘Corrie’ has clocked up 467 serious crimes, including 36 murders. ‘EastEnders’ has 437 serious crimes, including 42
murders. ‘Emmerdale’ and ‘Hollyoaks’ have…”

“Yes thank you my sweet”, says I, “for those fascinating yet ludicrous statistics”.

“You sarky old git” says she. “I was only trying to make a bit of conversation. Tell you what, lets talk about something IN-TER-EST-ING, like Villa’s new manager”.

“Touché” says I with a grin, as she gets up from her chair. “Where are you off to?”.

“I’m going through to the front room” says she with frosty sweetness. “It’s nearly time for ‘EastEnders’, and you know how much I like a bit of true to life drama”.

Yes indeed. It must be about time for a space psychotic astronaut to crash the space station on Albert Square, or for ISIS suicide bombers to hold fifty people hostage in ‘the Queen Vic’ before blowing the place to smithereens. Soaps are nothing if not realistic.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

111 thoughts on “Soap Operas

  1. THe spouse, as you well know, is addicted to these shit fests. Very occasionaly I come in during the middle of one of these orgies of self indulgence. Recently the arseholes of Emmerdale Farm have dreamt up a serial killer, a female Paki who grins as she kills people. Probably because she IS a Paki, viewers and critics have been falling over themselves to crawl up the womans arsehile, (including the spouse), but the silly cunt just can’t act: she GRINS all the time for fucks sake. Anybody seeing her in real life, unless they were that window licker Greta Thunderguts would KNOW the woman was unbalanced, but her nonsense she seems to have dragged on for months. I have pointed out to Mrs Boggs many times that it wuld be impossible for a tiny village to have so many serial killers even if that raddled old lesbian Cressida Dick was in charge of the village police force, but she just swallows it all then goes on SM to gush about how “antastic” it all is. Surely that should be enough grounds for a divorce?

    Next to Emmerdale Fart, Crossroads and Compact look as well crafted as Shakespeare’s greatest work

    • Crossroads, now there was soap and a half.
      Lousy acting, scenary failing down, terrible dialogue…
      Don’t remember a murder though.

  2. I seem to remember, all those years ago, (1985 I believe) the opening episode of Eastbenders featured some OAP who had just been murdered. Number one of 42, the writing was on the wall.
    However even less realistic, even in 1985, was the fact that the place was full of whitey. Not a single Gupta or Peaceful in sight. Absurd.

  3. I pointed out to my wife only the other day that she must be demented if she thinks that there are as many whites living in the whole of the East End as appear to live in Walford. There are as many bad things happen in a single episode of fucking Eastenders as has ever happened anywhere I have lived in my whole life.

  4. I haven’t watched any of that shit for many years.
    Of course, Mrs Cunter is addicted to all of them, but luckily we have more than one television and she is more than happy to fuck off to the bedroom for a few hours every night to enjoy the nonsense on offer.

    I have a rough idea of how much each house in the square of Eastenders must be worth.

    Can none of the residents still not afford a washing machine?
    Do they still congregate in the local launderette?

    • Does everybody in the caff still just go ‘two teas please luv’? I don’t think anybody ever asked for a bacon roll or anything like that.

      • Wouldn’t dare ask for a bacon sandwich now, it would offend the mudslimes, hopefully they’ll behead Ian beale in anger.

  5. Some sad wankers sit and watch this shit every day. It’s not real for fucks sake, luckily in my house this sort of thing is never put on the tv. Soap operas corrupt the minds of gullible people and should be banned. Eastenders alone should be a reason for abolition of the licence fee. Phil Mitchell is about as hard as a wet tea bag.

  6. The only whitey you’ll find in the East End is some old bag lady living out the last of her days in some council flat, surrounded by the dregs of the third world.
    Every day she ventures out to buy a tin of food for her only friend, her cat. The poor moggie spends 24 hours a day in the flat as she has no garden and If she lets him out he’ll end up on the menu at one of the Bangladeshi restaurants down Brick Lane. This is the reality for Britain’s poor whites.
    Make a soap out of that BBC you bunch of fucking cunts.

    • I’ve worked in the East End Freddie and your description I recognise as chillingly accurate. Occasionally you get a glimpse of one of these elderly women and they are mostly women of course, heading towards the local Tesco Express to buy essential supplies. Then it’s home to feed the cat and watch some more daytime television. Life must be fucking desolate.
      And as for the BBC, they are so close by but for what they know of the East End it may as well be on one of Saturn’s outer moons.

  7. You never hear Phil Mitchell or any other EastEnder or Corrie regular bang on about real news headlines. If they did it might go something like this

    Phil Mitchell “Fackin’ hell, another ffaarsand immos have fackin landed. What the fack is that cant Boris doing, the stupid cant!?”

    Kathy Beale “Fucking Frogs innit. Never trust a fucking frog. They’re slimy cunts”

    Ian Beale “Those cunts want to ban petrol and diesel cars an’all. Wot a waste of space he is. Bunch of tossers”

    Phil Mitchell “Oi, you been looking at my bird?”

    Ian “Yeah, but it ain’t a bird. Its a geezer!”

    Phil “How do you know, you cant!”

    Ian “Cuz I put me hand down there, and she’s loaded with cock ‘n’ balls”

    Phil “Fackin’ ‘ell”

    Credits Roll

    Voice over – “If you’ve been affected/offended by any of this bollocks please fuck off and die, you weak-arsed cunts”


    • Correct! You beat me to it.
      Real life my arse.
      They never mention sport either like the masses do (me included). Walford Town is it? No mention of Weeest Haaaam.

    • Glad my missus doesn’t watch soaps.
      Last time I saw one was when still at home with my parents mid 80s.
      My mum watched all of them,
      Crossroads, Emmerdale, corrie,
      Brookside and worst of all EastEnders.
      Even the theme music to EastEnders makes me feel ill.
      Only characters I liked in soaps

      Stan and Hilda- corrie
      Eddie yates- corrie
      Seth Armstrong-emmerdale
      Ena Sharples-corrie
      Albert tatlock-corrie

      I only like elderly northerners 😁

      • When I was in my late teens I always wanted Deidre Barlow and Gail Thingy from Corrie to lez up and share an 18″ dildo while dressed as French Maids

        Unfortunately, the scriptwriters never took up the idea

    • Years ago, some satirist, maybe that cunt Alastair Macgowan, made the same observation as Techno.

      A bloke walks into the Queen Vic and orders a ‘pint of unspecific’ then turns to the bloke next to him and asks him if he saw the match last night. Since it’s Eastenders the other bloke has no concept of the game of football.

  8. The most absurd soap opera is “Pandemic”- on every fucking channel 24/7 for the last two fucking years.

    Shut script, unbelievable story lines and fucking laughable acting, on display.

    Global audience of billions….

  9. Rinse and repeat TV with the same six or eight storyline regurgitated over and over again.
    Pap for the masses, and it’s never off. If it’s not whatever current bilge they’re showing, it’s the Omnibus or ” Classic” whatever.

    • The Roman elite did the same thing, bread and circuses for the masses, only now it’s Corrie and twiglets or whatever filth the cunts eat while watching it.

      A distraction while they’re taxing, fleecing, raping, killing you.

  10. There’s a character in Corrie often spoken of but never seen………
    Willie Eckerslike


  11. The BBC would never ever portray an ISIS bombing. A Trump-inspired far-right terror plot, taken down by a bunch of brave immigrants just landed on a Kent beach and led into Walford by the virtuous duo of Gary Lineker and Greta Thunderknickers is far more likely.

  12. Good cunting this one. Tv for wimminz, as ninety odd percent of it is. A bloke can’t even tune into the football or most other sports for sanctuary now either, although there is Gone Fishing with Mortimer and Whitehouse still. Very few wimminz or dark keys in that amazingly.
    I can’t fucking stand soaps, but most other fictional entertainment is laughable now as well. Every cop show is female led, every murder mystery the same. Hence, me and the missus rarely sit together and watch anything now.
    I’m amazed they have a park key character in Emmerdale though. Even the woke brigade regard them as sub human, and besides, they can’t depict them as gay, lesbian, trans or most things negative for fear of having their studios blown up. Having said that, I suppose kicking off over a park key murderer would seem a tad hypocritical, even to them.
    I’d fucking halt all filming of soaps and order that all archives be wiped.

    • Wonder if Les Dennis still does his Mavis Riley impression?
      He couldn’t stop could he?

      Every time he was on telly

      “Oh well, I dont really know Rita!”

      Bet he did it on his honeymoon?
      Poor Amanda Holden…

    • “Tv for wimminz, as ninety odd percent of it is. A bloke can’t even tune into the football or most other sports for sanctuary now either”

      Afuckingmen. Even rugby, a true mans game, is infested with wimmin spouting utter, unadulterated bollocks, now. No escape from this right-on shitfest except in books. (Although titles like ‘Spitfire Women’ make my fucking piss steam, comparing them to Fighter Command, indeed).

    • FMC@
      Never occurred to me,
      But your right!
      All anglers are whitey.
      Ive never saw a black, or ethnic baiting a maggot,
      Or a Chinaman stood casting at the riverbank!
      How extraordinary!
      Scared of water eh?

      • More likely scared if puncturing the dinghy with a sharp hook. Besides they don’t need to catch lunch, Dominos will meet them at the beach.

      • Unless fried chiggun evolves to be able to live under water I don’t suppose they’ll ever show any interest.

  13. I’d never really seen soap operas before moving back to Blighty, but on my return Lady Quimson was “gripped” by the storyline of Richard Hillman on HTV, a real menacing cunt he was, all other soap serial killers are unsophisticated louts, old Richard had class, I believe one killer is possible, but fucking hell, even in Londonstab or Midsomer they’d be getting suspicious about the death toll, the actors these days are vacuous ham cunts!!!

    • The worse character ever on a soap was Pete Beale in EastEnders.

      “Hello treacle”

      I hated that cunt.
      He spoilt many a tea for me as a youth.
      Fuckin chirpy barrow boy cunt.

      • ‘pete’ beale (peter dean) is a real eastender born in hoxton ,still a lisping chavvy cunt tho!

  14. What Eastenders needs is a Muslim extremist running through the Queen Vic, stabbing everyone in the face and neck. Then it would be true to life.

  15. I have enough to put up with those dancing cunts and now some cunts with 2 dwarf blokes in a castle instead of a jungle.
    What a fucking mess.

  16. I think Armando (bit of a cunt) Iannucci conceived of the only possible ‘realistic’ soap opera.

    The main characters would spend every episode exchanging banal pleasantries without ever really bothering to get to know each other.

  17. If you want a soap murder mystery how about Benny the Mong from Crossroads? Poor old Benny went out for a spanner one day, never came back and nobody mentioned the cunt again. That sounds dead fishy to me. I wonder what Mrs Boggs thinks?

    • It was actually great for the first few years, with the original cast of Ena, Elsie, Jack and Annie and the rest.
      Just couldn’t keep up the standard tho; went to more than two episodes a week, ran out of realistic story options and started on murder and ‘ishoo’ themes, and sank into a pit of absurdity.

      • Bill Tarmy (Jack Duckworth) used to drink in a pub near where I lived.
        My dad pointed out his house
        Nearest I got to a peek into the glamorous world of showbiz.
        And remember working in Ashton when Liz Dawn (Vera Duckworth) died,
        The locals were heartbroken,
        They all loved her,
        So she must of been ok.
        ‘hiya kid’
        Her smile and cheeky face!

  18. … remains one of my claims that I’ve never seen a soap opera. People have been openly angered when I’ve proudly told them that after they tried to engage me in conversation about something that’s been seen or heard about on one of the shows. I just don’t get it … I’ve never seen any of the reality shows either … none of them. It was and remains my view that all that shit is for utter cunts and total fuckwits. If anyone brings that stuff up in a conversation that I’m a part of I just walk away without explanation … I’m known for it … it’s been a wrecker of multiple dinner parties, social gatherings and the like.
    Knowing my luck I’ll end up in some ‘home’ or ‘institution’ where you’re wheeled out in front of a fuckin’ great screen and subject you to endless hours of torture. At least they won’t be repeats though …. not for me.

  19. I know nuffink abaaaat soap operas and care less, except my mum watched Coronation Street for a few years in the early 1960s. Ena Sharples was like a cool version of my auntie Ann and Albert Tatlock was a bit slow. Minnie Caldwell must have been a tough wank but I was only nine at the time so it was not applicable.

    (Wasn’t there a punk band that did a song about Albert Tatlock from about 40 years ago? – DA)

    • Admin@

      The Skids ‘Albert Tatlock”.😁

      (Yep, that’s the one. Thanks, MNC – DA)

      (No it isn’t. The song was called TV Stars by Skids and was the B side of the Into The Valley single. – NA)

      • Albert was a right miserable old cunt, but in a humorous way. In the early Corrie days there was some great banter with the likes of Elsie, Annie and Jack, and Ena, Minnie and Martha in ‘the snug’ at t’ Rovers.
        The production team should have a look at those legendary early years, and try to learn the lessons about what great writing and acting can achieve.

  20. More bread and circuses for the unwashed masses…TV soaps are like heroine to keep the stupid hordes watching their TVs and sucking up all the half-breed story lines and advertising.

    They can suck my balls if they think I will waste one moment of my life watching such utter drivel.

  21. Wife rushes into the lounge and screams at her hubbie, Didn’t you hear me fall down the stairs?
    Sorry love, I thought it was Eastenders starting.

  22. One night in a pub (60/70,s) my mate was chatting to two girls and thought he’d be ok on a Corrie theme. I watched as he led them on and finally when they were convinced he seemed a genuine fan he asked them if they’d watched last nights episode when Len had left his tools out the back as the credits came up? Pissed down all night too he said.
    Expecting a grin or even a laugh we waited.
    Oh yes one of them said, I noticed that too.

  23. “Happy Halloween”, from Fred and Rose West. (In case you missed it yesterday, 43 seconds well spent🤣🤣)

    (Excellent. Should come with a trigger warning on YT, might upset some delicate petals these days – DA)

  24. Making an observation on this nom, the wife just indicated that there have been over 1,200 episodes of ‘Casualty’, plus Dog knows how many ‘specials’.
    ‘Does it qualify as a soap?’ she pondered.
    I think she may have touched upon one of the great philosophical conundrums of the age…

    • I don’t watch it but, living in Leicester, seeing that many whites in one square is definitely escapism for me. It’s probably fucking racist too.

  25. Top Nom, Ron.

    Thankfully we stopped watching these shit shows ages ago. East Enders …. never saw it. The Street… last episode the totally ludicrous train crash. Emmerdale….. around the time that stunning dark haired bird with the simply incredible tits, fabulously displayed, departed 5-6 yrs ago (And no I don’t mean Chastity).

    Stick to Doctors and Neighbours now. Only 30 mins a day. The former features the tight short skirts of Dr Zara Carmichael (best legs since prime Liz MacDonald!) and the latter invariably some fit Aussie bird in a bikini. Roxy and Amy Robinson will do for me!

    • As a naive young lad, I had fantasies about Elsie introducing me to the ways of the flesh. All the lads in my class were the same.

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