UpYours

T’was listening to the wireless, some BBC hoopla aboit the new online entrepreneurial presence orf the burgeoning market economy. Had to keep me head doine and reach for me old tin hat (bugger must remember not to piss in it at night), more buzz words flying around than buzz bombs in the Blitz. Fuck me that was a close one – the BBC Johnny just dropped one called UpSelling. UpWhat? Then Johnny UpFuck interviewed a coupla barrer boi mauf monkeys who had just got into this Upselling. “We are Upsellers” they brazenly stated trying to give it a bit orf the old UpFlash.

Turns oit (and this is Yours Truly’s translation) that the mauf monkeys have simply followed the well worn dodgy trail orf cunts like Alan Sugar from punting dodgy gear orf a barrer in East London to selling dodgy gear online. What used to be known as Retail or Catch Me If You Can. Type orf cunts guaranteed to enrage the Dragons and would not even have made oit orf the lift in Dragon’s Den. Needless to say the Dragons were all Mega Cunts and could sniff the lesser species oit in an instant. Used to enjoy watching the brutal comeuppance orf the Jack The Lads trying to work a snow job on The Dragons. Smoozers in Sugar Speak. Simple pleasures.

Call it Karma but was recently in involved in a business seminar (don’t ask) which involved a lot orf this UpCunt – you know the bolloxs – form into groups, come up with a silly company name orn the lines orf Exxon or Mondalez or Ocado and then start pitching your imaginary product. Yours Truly came up with Cuntador, a services company start-up that would UpCunt (identify) the cunts employed by other start-ups and UpCan their arses. Needless the other snowflakes were all into flogging cupcakes or premium snacks to supermarkets so fell orn deaf ears. UpSod ‘em.

Point is in this digital world orf Twitter Twatter Twiddler we must lead the times. We are UpCunters now and we UpCunt cunts me dears. Yours Truly first got UpArsed (KravDarth was not involved) after UpPunting a new motor. It was UpVended (orn HP) on a very attractive deal and YT kept up payments for about 18 months but it turned oit to be such a crock orf shite that after endless returns on warranty YT simply was so UpArsed payments were stopped. Got a call from the bums (bailiffs) that unless YT paid in full plus penalties the motor would be UpLifted (repossessed). Now a card carrying old cunt like YT knows that after one year orf regular payments that is illegal but only too glad to get it UpLifted at their expense so UpFilled the glove box and boot with rubble and concrete, adjusted the brakes on hard and left it oit orn the verge. A few nights later it was gorn, just a churned up verge and the trace of tyre skids orn the road. Ironic that UpLift now means a rise in economic fortunes.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

Now this long standing programme is under fire for not posing enough gender neutral questions (fuck knows what they are) and for not having enough women contestants. Now as far as I know the split at uniy is roughly 50/50 so girls/ladies/women instead of moaning, get your shit together, stop screaming it’s unfair and enter an all women team and win the fucking thing. That way you will prove beyond doubt that you are better. There have been some outstanding women contestants Gail Trimble springs to mind but when all women teams are entered at least your efforts can be applauded.

Take a look at this. You will need to scroll to 36:00 to see how well they have done as all female teams in the past.

As I said if you think this is sexist, stop bitching get your shit together, start revising, make no excuses and win the fucker.

Nominated by Cuntsince1066

If you have ever had the misfortune of travelling on the Tube during rush hour you will have met Fat Cow. She is on every train and at every station.

Most people, as their train arrives at their destination already have their ticket/pass in their hand but not Fat Cow. FC waits until she is at the ticket barrier before she starts rooting around in her cavernous bag. Naturally she has an arse the size of the Hoover Dam and always chooses one of the middle barriers in order to cause the maximum disruption. Within seconds hundreds of people are backed up, trying to get around her massive frame, bumping into people trying to get through the other barriers.

People have got work to get to, buses to catch but does Fat Cow care? Like fuck she does. Ah, there’s my purse, now which pocket did I put my ticket in?

Fat cow is at every station and, no matter how quickly you run up the stairs the bitch always gets there before you. Fuck knows how but she does ,that’s all I know.

I want this fat, stupid, self centred, socially unaware , thick as shit porker taken out and shot!!
Total cunt!

Nominated by Freddie the Frog

Well it looks as though ‘ The Alex Salmond Show’ is set to run and run.
The turd that will not flush has now resigned from the SNP to spare the party ’embarrassment’ while he fights accusations of sexual harassment. Meantime, he’s taking action against the Scottish Government to contest the complaints process used against him, and has started up a ‘crowd funder’ so that punters can donate towards his legal costs.
This cunt has a brassneck wider than the Firth of Forth, but given that many saps in the nationalist movement in Scotland appear to have more money than sense, no doubt the cash will roll in. I’ve got a few souvenir Confederate dollars I picked up when on holiday in the States, and he’s more than welcome to these. Or maybe I’ll send him the old nine bob note that’s been lying in the bottom of my desk drawer for yonks, because I reckon the slimy fucker’s as bent as one.

Nominated by Ron Knee

And just to prove what a shed load of gullible cunts there are in Jockland, the cunt hit his target in less than two hours