The Banjo String

The old chestnut has it that there’s a first time for everything. Last night I learned the truth of this axiom to my cost. I only effing well went and snapped my banjo string.
The first hint of trouble came in the form of a searing, burning sensation, which soon settled down to a throbbing ache. Then there was the bleeding, which went on for hours.

My cursing and carrying on led the wife to get on Ol’ Doc Internet pronto. “Mmm”, says she *tap tap* “…yes, it’s called the frenulum” (like I really needed to know that). “It says that it’s common for it to tear, that it’s usually not serious, and that it will heal by itself. Bind to contain the bleeding. Consult your general practitioner if you’re concerned “.

“Flaming arseholes” I curse, limping off in search of lint and surgical tape. “Concerned? Fucking twats. It feels like I’m ruined for life”.

“Can I do anything?” asks she, trying not to get the giggles at my hopelessly inept attempts to bandage my tadger. “Should I try to fashion a sling…?”.

“Piss off” says I testily. “Go and fetch me a Glenfiddich large enough to stun a gorilla. I’m off to lie on the bed”.

Fast forward to the morning. Following a night’s sleep broken by discomfort and worry, I decide that it is indeed proper to consult our GP, who duly phones me back. “What’s the problem?” she asks, in her usual, cheery way.

“Well *ahem* says I. “I’ve got one of those ‘down there’ problems”, and proceed, somewhat haltingly, to describe my dilemma.

“It’s a common occurrence” she confirms, “and it’ll heal itself, but I can tell that you’re anxious, so pop round at half ten and I’ll have a look to be on the safe side and set your mind at rest”.

So off I go, and duly suffer the indignity of having the family jewels examined for the purposes of medical investigation. “No, it’s nothing to worry about” says she. “It’s one of those things which causes distress out of all proportion to the actual injury. I’ll give you some antibiotic cream, and you should refrain from ‘risky’ activity for twelve days or so. I’ll diary you for a follow up call a week today”.

So now here I am some twenty four hours later, mincing about like Elton John’s houseboy, and with a face which looks (according to the wife) “like Wee Jimmy Krankie’s slapped arse”.

On the debit side, I’ve learned that the banjo string can be a cunt. On the credit side, I live in hope that the wife will be stricken by remorse for her giggling, and kiss it better at the earliest opportunity. Every cloud, it’s all part of life’s rich tapestry etc.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

A nomination for England v Hungary (maybe it has been cunted already)

The crying over spilt milk has flooded out since the match last night, but why!?

The hostile atmosphere was to be expected, Hungary isn’t renowned for diversity and inclusivity, the EU are not happy with them at all over migrants (it’s a pity we can’t build barb wire fences in the channel).
England start off with the usual knee bollocks and get the deserved reaction, do it on your own turf but not in Hungary, so you reap what you sow.

England score, Raheem Sterling, what does he do, takes his shirt off and gives it the big ‘I am’ in front of what looked like the hard line end of the stadium and he got a reaction.
Now I am sure he wouldn’t have done that in front of the KOP or any other away fans in the premier league, normally players celebrate in front of their own fans.

That set off the ‘alleged’ monkey chants and general abuse.

The link provided is from the Guardian and there is a comment about England fans booing the knee and the total disrespect for the Italian anther in the Euro final.

England, take the knee and take it up the arse!

News Link

Nominated by: Sick of it

(What is she about to suck on in that header pic I wonder? – Day Admin)

ABBA are cunts.

All this fuss about an ABBA ‘reunion’, when there actually isn’t one.

The Swedish 70s pop act are hyping up this big announcement about new recordings and a ‘tour’. People will pay ridiculous amounts of money to see a projection mime songs that are well over 40 years old.

Of course, pooves and knobheads who love that Mamma Mia dog dirt will lap it up. It’d be simpler and cheaper to just put on an ABBA Greatest Hits DVD. But stupid cunts will gladly throw their money away.

As for the new songs? They will probably be shit and remnants from the 70s that were rejected as unusable at the time (a la the Beatles turning a Lennon cast-off into ‘reunion’ cash-in ‘Free As A Bird’).

The ladies’ voices (ABBA’s secret weapon in their prime) will not be the same due to age, yet the hype and hysteria over the new material will be unbearable.

The actual hologram that will be ‘touring’ also looks very shit. It resembles a bad rip off of Space 1999.

ABBA were good at what they did in their 70s pomp. But like so many rock relics, they couldn’t resist the cash-in call. As Vic Reeves used to say, ‘They wouldn’t let it lie’.

News Link

Nominated by: Norman

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And this from The Fuckyou Man

ABBA are over rated cunts.

Sweden’s very own BUCKS FIZZ are praised as some fuckin genius outfit and it’s oh so fuckin cool to say how awesome they are.

No…FUCK OFF!

They were in The Eurovision Song Contest for cunts sake! A total wankfest consisting of the worst songs ever written. Winning The Best SHIT song is nothing to be proud of.

Now these 4 colostomy bag owners have “reformed” and are making a CUM back??
They looked like a bunch of 70s pornstars when they were in their prime! (Yeah, but that blonde piece was my go-to 24/7 wank material during my yoof! – Day Admin)

Just FUCK OFF.

Oh…..and Roxette were crap as well.

For the most part, book publishing has gone down the woke tube and is terminally ill.

A few years ago Penguin almost cancelled its publication of Jordan Peterson’s “Beyond Order: 12 More Rules to Life” due to the hysterical reaction from its staff to publishing this supposed “bigot”. Peterson’s “offence” is that he is an eminently sensible academic who fiercely opposes the woke take on life and slaughtered dimmo Kathy Newman in a memorable car crash (for Kathy) interview. Penguin didn’t cancel probably because they knew they would lose a lot of money.

It’s worse in America. Random House stopped publishing Dr. Seuss due to alleged racism that was “found” in them – after not being “found” in the previous 50 years. Random House also cancelled Richard Cohen’s “The History Makers”, a book about famous historians of the past 2500 years, because Cohen did not include enough black historians (no doubt because there aren’t many).

Simon & Schuster is also in trouble with its employees for signing a two-book deal with former Vice-President Mike Pence. Since they believe that Pence”s opinions are not as valid as theirs, shutting down a leading Republican is, in their view, a public service to society.

This trend has hit the UK. Recently a group of trans nut jobs wrote a letter to The Bookseller demanding the censoring of books that it deems unfavourable to the tranny cause – books like The Bible, Shakespeare, Dickens and the entire Western literary cannon.

Another bunch of tranny nutters called “Pride in Publishing” say that trans employees mental health is put at risk through having to work on JK Rowling’s books –
“Let’s clarify what free speech is and is not. Free speech does not entitle an author to a publishing contract. But it does protect the right of a worker to raise the alarm when they’re asked to participate in something that can cause them or someone else harm or trauma. Transphobic authors are not a protected group. Trans and non-binary people are.”

Bollocks. The job of publishing has always been to publish and be damned. Publishers are meant to keep free speech alive by publishing different viewpoints widely and freely. It’s a very important function in a free society. It seems that to work in publishing now, the biggest qualification is to be a censor intent on stifling free speech.

The quality of hardback books is shite as well.

Nominated by: MMCM

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An Olympic CUNTING for “Dame” Sarah Storey.

She is being lauded as the greatest G.B. Paralympian. It is unfortunate her left hand didn’t fully develop during her time in the womb (Jeremy Beadle syndrome) but every other part of her body is completely healthy and her obsession with training has made her super fit compared with the rest of the population.

It is completely unfair that she is allowed to compete against others with substantial, as opposed to minimal, disabilities. She started as a swimmer, where a missing hand would be a slight disadvantage, then decided to blag it as a disabled cyclist.

How in the names of Beelzebub and Flabbott can a missing hand be considered to qualify anyone for Paralympic Cycling? She should be competing against fully able bodied athletes, as she is in fact the same as them.

The duplicitous Cunt

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Nominated by: Sir Cuntalot

And on the topic of Paralympians, this from Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Not so much a cunting as an expression of puzzlement.

A local girl, as seen on Turnip TV. (Look North, E Riding & Lincs) has got gold medals for Dressage at the Paralympics. I see no visible impairment. She walks, sees and moves normally. So why the paralympics? I could understand it if the horse had a wooden leg. But it didnt. Surely sitting on a gently dancing horse is not something easily impaired?
I have respect for people whose impairment obviously is a disability. We also saw a young man from Hull who won a Judo gold. He is blind so well done to him. Respect. There is also Hannah Cockcroft, paralysed legs but by fuck she can motor. Wonderful.
But the classifications of disability are baffling and often dont seem to be an impairment to the discipline.

Does anyfucker understand them?