IsAC regulars will know that one of the things I attempt when posting is to inject a bit of levity into a nomination (the extent to which my efforts at humour succeed must be left for you guys to judge).

There are some subjects however in which I simply can find no humour, and having to go to a funeral is one of them. At my time of life in particular, they come around with a frequency which is no laughing matter at all.

Last week it was the turn of a friend and former work colleague. Her name was Judith, a lovely woman whose mind had been ravaged by the dreaded Alzheimer’s to the point where she didn’t even know her own name, or could recognise family and friends.

So we all turn up to drag ourselves through the motions, heavy of heart. The person leading the service takes us through the events of the deceased’s life, and attempts to lighten the mood with those ‘happy memory’ anecdotes which are meant to bring a smile and make us go ‘ah yes, that was Judith!’. For me, standing there with a lump in my throat, this just makes matters worse.

Then it’s finally over, to the secret relief of us all. We troop out, making a feeble attempt to console the family with platitudes, wondering in the back of our minds whose turn it will be next.

Funerals. A place you have to be, and the last place you want to be. There’s just no upside whatsoever.

Funerals are a cunt.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

NEWS AT TEN – 25th October 2024

BONG!
674 killed and 230 injured in alleged “mental health” bombing attack in Brighton

BONG!
Innocent Man of Colour receives £500k compensation for being called a hurty name

BONG!
Early polls in Britain’s second and proper referendum for re-entering the lovely EU suggests a resounding victory for Remainers after millions of Leavers fail to vote online due to “technical problems”

BONG!
Prime Minister Analeze Dodds of the newly formed Green Liberal Labour Democratic Bandwagon Party, raises direct and indirect taxation by as much as 50% for all white working class people as part of reparations to the Afro-Caribbean, Syrian, Indian, Afghan, Wimminz and LGBTQP+ communities.

BONG!
Incel racist, fascist xenophobe, Tommy Robinson sentenced to 20 years hard labour for owning a banned DVD box-set of “Love Thy Neighbour”

BONG!
49 year old Transsexual Man becomes England’s first person to legally marry an 8 year old Transsexual schoolgirl

BONG!
The Combined British Media Foundation proudly announce the completion of “Britain’s Build Back Better, Revised History & Literature Project” of all classic literature, reference and school text books, films, plays, TV & radio programmes.

Good evening!

674 people were killed and hundreds injured by a undocumented migrant who was told he would not be allowed a 6 bedroom house and £34,750 pa in benefits for him, his wife and 11 children. As a consequence he suffered severe mental anguish and had no other choice but to “upset” as many people as possible.

We are not allowed to show his face, mention his name, age, current address, country of origin or his race. Although he was assisted by a white man named Mike Cunt, 34, married with 2 children, living in Basingstoke at Number 22A, BombandRun Avenue. Here’s a Facebook photo of him waving an England flag without permission…and another… and one of his family.

A spokesthey said “Although nearly 700 people lost their lives, the grieving relatives must understand the poor migrant suffered vicious racism, homophobia and xenophobia by city councillors, who have all now been sentenced to 40 years at White Privilege Correction Centre (formerly Belmarsh Prison). We believe the man will make a full recovery once the mooted £11million compensation has been finalised.”

In other news, a innocent person of colour has received almost £500,000 compensation for being called “black listed”. The man, who was found with £170,000 of heroin and two Uzi 9mm machine guns in his pockets, which were obviously planted by ex-members of the Police Pride Togetherness Community (formerly The Police Force), is still  traumatized……

(The future of news, coming to a TV near you very soon!)

Nominated by: Technocunt

Me neither but she´s an old hag who is apparently an artist. I watched half of an interview with her on the BBC´s “Hard Talk” program although no tough questions were actually asked by the sycophantic interviewer, Stephen Thacker. Hambling is in her mid-70s but dresses like a dyke punk from the 1970s in black leather, has a Medusa hairstyle and is a chainsmoker. Only Whoopy Goldberg´s arsehole could be uglier or more off putting than her grim visage.

Thacker´s “hard” questions were about her father – a “bisexual silent behind the Daily Telegraph”, the ”environment” – paintings of unhappy animals – and the “dead” – she painted her parents in their coffin.

Her works include a statue of two well-known pillow biters, Oscar Wilde in London and a tribute to Benjamin Britten in Aldeburgh (which, to be fair to the old harridan is not bad) called “Scallops”. Alas the people who actually live in Aldeburgh hated it and hundreds of them signed a petition calling for it to be removed while those more actively opposed have vandalized it.

She also painted a portrait of that well-know philanthropist and lover of children, Michael Jackson but refused to paint Mrs. Thatcher. What a surprise. I wonder what Maggie would have thought of Maggi.

News Link

Nominated by: Mr Polly

The Mawa Theatre Company, another bunch of cunts who are going to take a fresh look at Shakespeare, I guess that means rewriting the great works to be ‘more inclusive’ and ‘more diverse’ and appeal to a wider audience.

What is so special about this lot, isn’t every cunt trying to fuck Shakespeare up the ass, well they are all female, OK, that’s a bit sexist, but it doesn’t end there.

They are all black, so no white allowed, isn’t that racist, no not a chance because everyone knows that black people cannot be racist.

What a load of shite, I saw it on the BBC but there isn’t much of write up so I have gone with a link from the Guardian who are spunking all over it.

News Link

Nominated by: Sick of It

Cats or more to the point cat thieves are cunts, not the 4 legged cats, the expensive parts of your exhaust (catalytic converter) that fuck monkeys cut off your car to weigh in for scrap, costing you a fortune, making your insurance go up and generally fucking up your day.

Well it turns out karma has sorted one of these thieving cunts out good and proper, even his good mate left him there once he saw police looking at a pair of legs sticking out from under what I hope was a nice heavy 7 series BMW that crushed him when his jack collapsed while he was trying to cut off the cat..

I’m sure his family will say what a great guy he was, but this is justice dealt in an instant, so eventually karma or natural selection deals with these cunts once and for all and good fucking riddance, zero fucks given for the piece of shit….

News Link

Nominated by: Fuglyucker

(Of particular interest from the news article was the comment from the coroner – “She expressed her condolences to Mr Stephens’ family and friends, adding: “It is evident he is greatly missed by many people.” – Day Admin)