It’s the news that film fans everywhere have been waiting for! At last, Disney has announced that a ‘live action’ version of its 30s animated classic ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ is in the works.
Naturally the studio is anxious to parade its ‘progressive’ credentials to ‘woke’ Hollywood these days. Things seemed to get off to a flying start with the casting of Latino actress Rachel Zegler as the ‘fairest of them all’ Ms White.
Unfortunately for Disney, into the fray stepped 4′ 5″ superstar Peter Dinklage, who accused the studio of double standards. He ranted ‘they were proud to cast a Latino actress…you’re progressive in one way, but you’re still making that fucking backward story of seven dwarfs living in a cave’.
Stung by Dinklage’s criticism, Disney has responded by stating ‘we are taking a different approach’. Apparently the film will now have ‘cultural consultants’, and the dwarfs will be ‘reimagined’. From this ‘wokespeak’, I imagine that the dwarfs will now have to conform to a rigid gender and diversity balance.
Well the gender balance does present a slight problem, since seven divided by two is, er, three and a half. Okay, let’s solve that one by making one of the seven of the transgender persuasion, which has the added benefit of throwing a bone to that particularly vocal and aggressive lobby.
The ethnic balance is easy enough to address I suppose, and can be reflected in the characters’ new names. These will now be Li Li, Tristan, Greta, Rufus, Carlota, Mohammed and Victor/Victoria. Again this yields an added benefit by the removal of a previously negative and stereotypical set of names.
As for that all-important stature factor, each performer will have to conform to strict statistical criteria for average height, as defined by the United Nations Commission for the Determination of Average Height According to Gender and Ethnicity.
So there you have it. ‘Off White and the Seven Gender Balanced and Ethnically Diverse Persons of Average Stature’. It has quite a ring to it, I’m sure you’ll agree. I for one can’t wait.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
And on a similar note, this from Captain Magnanimous
Peter Dinklage is a cunt, isn’t he.
The overrated oomoah-loompah has been having a pop at a live action Snow White set to be filmed because of the little fellas.
It’s a fairy tale ffs! Stop being short-tempered and small-minded, you gnarly time bandit. These aren’t dwarves, they are conscientious engineers working in a difficult sub terrain.
He was good as a cynical, quipping dwarf in Game of Thrones; he was believable as a cynical, quipping dwarf in The Station; he was alright as a cynical, quipping dwarf in I Care A Lot. As a spokesgnome, not such a tall order.
It’s a fairy tale, you uppity little polly pocket. A story for children. Now get into the Rumplestiltskin costume, do a roly-poly for the camera, then shut the fuck up.
