Weather forecasters

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Weather forecasters are cunts. The Fuckers don’t give a spoiler alert and launch into what the weather will be the next day, without giving me a chance to switch channels, or at least mute it.

I wanted to watch it live:

Nominated by: WTF

Most weather people on TV are indeed cunts… However, there is one who does the weather for the Granada region. Her name is Jo Blythe and I would bang her like a shithouse door in a gale…

Nominated by: Norman Whiteside

Andre Johnson aka Christ Bearer

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Rapper Andre Johnson claims that he was in “complete control” of himself the night that the hacked off his own penis and jumped off a balcony earlier this year, despite admitting that he was on drugs.

The rapper, who had initially been linked to the Wu-Tang Clan, hit the headlines in April this year after he jumped off a Los Angeles balcony after having severed his penis, and he did so much damage that doctors were unable to reattach his member.

Now the rapper, who goes by the name Christ Bearer, has spoken out about his alleged lucid decision to cut off his willy, claiming that he is a god, giving Kanye West a run for his money.

“Yes, I was using drugs that night, but I was in complete control. I cut it off because that was the root of all my problems. My solution to the problem was the realization that sex is for mortals, and I am a god. …Those kinds of activities got me into trouble, and I came here to be a god.”

You might think that Johnson lost the plot and may need some help, but he insists that he’s not “crazy” and mental health doctors have given him the all clear but he is continuing to visit a psychologist after being released from Cedars Sinai Medical Center.

“People perceived me as crazy, so I never wanted to speak wholeheartedly on the matter,” Johnson said of his silence following the incident. “I didn’t want to kill myself,” he continued. “That was just my response to the demons. They were doing their best to get to me, but being alive solidified my thoughts. …I’m alive, penis or no penis.”

A rep for the Wu-Tang Clan denied he was anything to do with them, insisting they have never heard of him before. They said: “He is not of any affiliation to Wu-Tang Clan or any of its subsidiaries. No one here has ever seen or heard of this fool until now.”

Definitely a grade A cunt.

Nominated by: Dioclese

Bono [6]

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If we’re cunting tax dodging celebrity cunts, we cannot forget that Messianic muppet, Bono. Actually, we need to cunt the rest of U2 as well, they’ve denied the Republic of Ireland’s treasury millions of Euros. And that Hypocritical cunt, Bonio has the fucking nerve to travel the globe telling rich countries that we must give increasing amounts to the starving people of Africa.

You first Bonzo. Give the millions you avoided paying in tax to those starving Africans whose arses you seem to love licking. This fuckwit is the reason that Cameron and Clegg are so obsessed with throwing our money at every other country but ours. And now, they actually want to enshrine it in law that the UK pays 0.7% of our GDP in foreign aid.

Until you’re willing to give several million quid of your own money, Bonio, Shut the fuck up. Try writing a decent song for a change. I’m mean, you’ve been famous for thirty years or more, and you’ve come out with nothing but shite.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

Dead Pool [14]

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* * * * WE HAVE A WINNER! * * * *
Well, bugger me backwards. That was a quickie, if you’ll forgive the expression!

Congratulations to King Cunt who royally predicted the next dead cunt would be yank presenter, comedienne and queen of the face lift Joan Rivers who died on 4th September at the age 81 after a week on life support. One of her greatest achievements in a long career is that not once was she ever cunted on this site.

So we have a new Dead Pool champ and clearly I’m going to have to pull my finger out to compete with this new upstart! In the meantime, King Cunt wins a prize. But don’t get too excited because the prize is a guest post of your choice either here or over at Dioclese – or both if you want. Like I said, not much of a prize and most winners don’t bother…

The slate has been wiped clean and everyone gets to pick a new ‘dead cunt walking’ as we move on to The Dead Pool 14. Here’s the rules :

1. Nominate who you think is next on the way out.
You can have a maximum of five cunts each. Leave names in the Comments.

2. You win if your Cunt dies first.
Then the slate is wiped clean and we start again. Of course, you can always be a cunt and steal someone else’s dead cunt candidate from the last Dead Pool.

Any cunt who tries to cheat by nominating the World’s Oldest Man or Woman is a cunt and will be ignored. Any anonymous cunt who can’t be bothered to make up a name for themselves will also be ignored. Oh, and the usual “Our Blog Our Rules” thing applies.

Vernon Kaye

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Vernon Kaye is a talentless streak of piss…. A talking shop dummy, who is living proof that TV bosses these days will accept any stupid cunt as a presenter (like those two conehead mekon cunts, Ant and Dec)…

Nominated by: Norman Whiteside

Vermon cunting Kaye. Just come back from the local Beefeater where I’ve been put off my dinner as this over-excitable spastic has been staring at me from under the completely fictitious statement of ‘Boss of Beef’ for fucks sake! Why I asked myself is this semi trained chimp the ‘Boss of Beef’? Turns out the prize fuckwit was born in 1974 – the same year as Beefeater fucking inns were founded! Surely there must be somebody born in 1974 who is better qualified to be the ‘boss of beef’; a farmer/ slaughterman/ butcher etc than this hair gelled bellend?

I also nominate the marketing cunt who thought this was a good idea – I for one will never eat there again until I get a written apology from the cunts. Beefeater and Vernon Kaye – cunts, the pair of em.

Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!!!

Nominated by: Jimbob Cunt III