I’d like to make an advance booking. I nominate the Royal Baby.

Not that it can help being who it is. But this is no immaculate conception. We know its mother is not scared to flaunt it round a bit.

Someone should do us all a favour and misplace it in hospital, or pass it to someone else.

Before the servants and butlers bring it up.

Whilst it may insensitive to go for a baby, this is going to be a right cunt in its time, male or female. So let’s get in early.

Nominated by : Bloke in Holland

(Frankly, before it is even born I’m sick of the media coverage – Ed)

Flies are cunts. No matter how little you open a window, a fly will always fly in. No matter how wide you open it, it will never fly out again. Cunts.

Nominated by : Yootha Joyce

My cats catch most of the little buggers. Trouble is they eat them, then I have to clean the puke off the carpet when they fetch-up an hour later.

Nominated by : Termujin