Plastic Paddies

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The Ireland team of the 70s and 80s was shit, and nobody (especially in Ireland itself) gave a fuck. Then that ex-Leeds cunt, Jack Charlton, ropes in a load of Englishmen (and the mighty Paul McGrath) to play for the Irish and they get to the 1990 World Cup. Astonishingly they get to the quarter finals and these Irish ‘fans’ come crawling out of the woodwork.

Then four years later (USA 94) the whole world is infested with these ‘lifelong’ Irish fans who think football started in 1990. They were all over the place: Celebrities, journos, comedians, members of U2 and so on. None of them ever showing any interest in football, but all of a sudden part of Big Jack’s green and white army Seriously: in the mid 90s you couldn’t move for the bastards.

Fast forward to 2014: The Irish team is shite again, once more nobody gives a fuck and all their showbiz arselicking Plastic Paddy lifelong fans are nowhere to be seen. Gloryhunting, bandwagon jumping Plastic Paddy cunts!

Nominated by: Norman Whiteside

The Haka

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Load of fucking shit this is. A choreographed, stylised, quasi war dance, written specifically for the rugby team, performed in the name of “culture” at a sporting event. Get fucked. There isn’t one single drop of Maori blood running through any of these thick cunts, so where is the culture? And why do it?

Answer: because it amounts to blatant gamesmanship. These fuck-wits slap, gurn and snarl their way into a nice warm frenzy while the other bunch of hapless morons stand around freezing their tits off on winters night in New Zealand. Come kick off, only one team is capable of moving. Load of cheating, boring fucking shit.

P.S. When performed by Maori on a marae, a traditional haka is a thing to behold.

Nominated by: Kiwi Cunt

Gabby Logan

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Gabby Logan

Gabby Logan is a cunt. How this woman gets to present a football programme, I will never know. It is just wrong.

Logan is diabolical, and she gives Lineker a run for his money in the ‘Football Presenter Cunt Of The Year’ competition. Logan is also yet another tax dodging cunt (with other knobheads like Jimmy Carr and Gary ‘Royalist Tory Cunt’ Barlow etc).

Nominated by : Norman Whiteside

Ticketmaster

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So it’s a right game in Glasgow. Commonwealth Games website overwhelmed by “unexpected demand”. Punters wasting hours trying to get on the site then unable to get tickets. Punters trying to book on the phone getting engaged tone then finding they have been billed £100 for the privilege. Sound familiar? London Olympics? You are not wrong. Same yank shower running the show? Correct. Ticketmaster.

The London tossers were apparently obliged to use the yank cunts because they have some rolling sweet heart deal stitched up with the world governing body. Land the Olympics then you have to use Ticketmaster to flog yer tickets. Not so Glasgow so why use the proven masters orf the fuckup? I smell dodgy jockeys and the big fix. Lay odds that there is plenty of cash in large brown envelopes circulating in certain circles in Glasgow.

They may have acquired a virtual monopoly on mass spectator events but once again Ticketmaster are revealed as incompetent cunts.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Alex Salmond [5]

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Alex Salmond – cunt of McCunts. Not just for his peculiarly nauseating, clamouring desperation to take the throne of Scottish power, but for the cuntish way in which he exploits xenophobic and dated racial hatred in order to score political points against “the enemy”.

The smarmy desperate cunt then pontificates about “Scotland’s place in Europe” as if leaving one old system of oppression to join another, newer one that’s even more centralised will be a cure for all of Scotland’s ills.

Fuck off you ugly fucking McMunter and pull that haggis out of your fat arse.

Nominated by: Amy Turding