Being well into middle age I always thought gout was something that overweight, port swilling country gentlemen in tweed suffered from.

Oh how wrong I was.

A month or so ago, I felt a bit of pain in my big toe whilst perambulating the hound’s. Nothing to be concerned about and probably just bruised I thought.

The next day the pain got worse, In fact much, much worse as I limped around site in steel toe boots, trying not to be a miserable fucker to all who I encountered.

By the end of the day I needed help to pull off my site boots because my foot had swollen to twice the normal size. At this point I thought I had broken my toe somehow. Such was the searing, throbbing agony.

Getting in from work I needed something to take the edge off, so poured a large glass of single malt from the cupboard and downed it in one. Big fucking mistake.

It turns out that the last thing you need when suffering from gout is booze. I didn’t know this and spent the entire night in agony, trying not to let anything touch my toe. In this respect, I failed miserably and woke up screaming several times during the night when the duvet gently brushed against my foot.

The next morning I tried to get an urgent appointment with my GP. No dice. He is still hiding behind his sofa and the only way of getting this looked at was to head to A&E.

One taxi ride and a four hour wait in the company of pissheads and junkies later, it is confirmed as gout and some seriously strong anti inflammatory pills were prescribed, which eventually did their thing about 24 hours later.

Returning to work the following day and still limping like an aspiring rapper, I was surprised to find out how many other blokes suffer from this.

If any fellow cunters suffer from gout, you have my sympathy. It is one truly painful ailment that can go fuck itself.

Gout is without a doubt one colossal cunt.

Nominated by: Odin

(More info here – Day Admin – NHS Link)

When Facebook and a number of other social media sites went offline across the globe for a few hours two or three weeks or so ago, it got me thinking into how precarious we lead our lives when we engross ourselves with things we’ve let ourselves become dependent on but have no real control over.

For those 6 or 7 hours tens of millions of people became “unplugged”, and there was no contingency for any of them to reconnect until someone else sorted the problem out on their behalf.

Yes, they could fall back to other social media sites they’re aligned to, but it isn’t quite the same thing when you find yourself unable to access your personal/business profile on your Facebook page.

Moreover, a few days ago here in the Lake District we had several hours without water. Several thousand people were affected, while United Utilities investigated the problem. And again for that period of time we were completely at the whim/mercy of some 3rd party in order for our lives to be reconnected – this time with water.

Similarly, ISP and mobile provider, EE, also went offline 3 weeks ago in certain areas of the Lake District, and is still offline for some people even now. The problem revolves around a mast that was damaged in a storm. EE engineers went out to investigate, but because the mast is on private land, the landowner is refusing EE to enter his property. And therefore thousands of people cannot use their phones or internet devices until a solution is found.

One of my customers rang me up one evening to say the hard drive on his computer had suddenly died and he couldn’t boot his machine. I asked him if he had been backing up his data. He said “No, I haven’t got time for all that messing about!” Therefore, he was totally fucked because he had lost everything!

Then there was the closure of some fast food retailers during and just after lockdown, and again millions of customers couldn’t get their daily/weekly fix because the shops were shut, and there was an outcry on social media. They knew the restaurants were closed but the silly cunts still turned up at the drive-through just to be absolutely sure!

These are just 5 examples, but of course there are many, many more that we would commonly call “First World Problems”

Buses/trains/planes being cancelled at the last minute
Electric power cuts
ATMs out of order
Demonstrators/Protesters blocking roads and motorways
Strikes by teachers, hospital staff, car workers, transport workers, postal strikes
Computer/tablet/phone failure
Food/petrol shortages
Pandemics

Even losing your car/house keys; or the battery on your mobile phone running flat when you need it most and you’re miles away from a charging point, can suddenly turn your regular life-pattern upside down, albeit temporarily.

I suppose it proves in someway how a crisis, both personal or national, can disrupt our lives no matter how small or relatively trivial. And in most cases we never have a Plan B so immersed/dependent have we become on all those resources we so take for granted and never really think about until there’s a disruption and it becomes an issue.

Nominated by: Technocunt

Name above just released by Cozzers as alleged suspect for the Liverpool Remembrance Day Atrocity. Must be careful here – his human rights ect ect – but he is currently unavailable for interview by the Cozzers due the fragmentation of his person by an alleged explosive device he allegedly triggered in a taxi allegedly witnessed by the taxi driver. Others now arrested as part of an alleged conspiracy.

Interesting point of discussion here. All news media including GBN and Cozzers are on the old woke gravy train stating every second sentence that such suspects should not be named because, apart from violating their HRs, to do so only elevates them to the Martyr status that they so crave. Oh also by so doing the viewing public can also work out the suspects ethnic origins which would never do for reasons above.

Also who has noticed that the alleged Liverpool Remembrance Day Atrocity is never so named despite occurring on that very Day and almost bang on the Sacred Hour. Funny that.

For those irritated by my use of the term Cozzer it merely harks back to the classic Liverpooool based crime series Z Cars with Brian Blessed as Fancy Smith. Old Fancy could not speak woke and would have soon sorted out the villains irrespective of ethnicity. Cozzers then did not know the meaning of the word. Cue theme tune and explosions with proper hurtling crime cars squealing on cross ply tyres and real emergency bells.

Another Twilight Zone coincidence. Each time I write “Emad” the spool chicken changes it to “Mad”.

YouTube Link

Nominated by:Sir Limply Stoke

Saying ‘Sorry’ All The Time

YouTube Link

Sorry seems to be the hardest word. Not any more it’s the easiest. A lorry load of sorrys every morning on Twitter and Facbook. Sorry for ‘fat shaming’ sorry for ‘blackfishing’. Sorry for this, sorry sorry for that.

How refreshing to hear Jim Davidson show utter contempt for it all in this video.

I love that bit ‘Who do I apologise TO?’. He is asked to apologise for his ‘Chalky White’ character. I mean when was Chalky around? Maybe 40 years ago now. But no the Woke still want an apology.

That’s it. What is an apology? Can you really apologise to a ‘generation’ of people.
He is to asked apologise for making a joke about fat women on the dole. Once again should he apologise to all fat women on the dole or some individual that complained. But as shown in the video these individual complainers might be just made up for the Agenda.

What is that Agenda? Pure prigism in my opinion. Richard Bacon is the definition of a Prig. He’s more of a prig than Malvolio in Twelfth Night.

You know there is another older meaning to the word Apology. And that is to defend your position. What we need is an ‘Apology for the Seventies’ where we wouldn’t on the defensive but on the attack’. Yes a great thick tome telling all that was great about the 70s. How great the music was, how great the fashion (well maybe not). Defending the 70s when there was a laugh to be had, and people were relaxed and understood that race and sexuality are the very essence of humour. And people knew (like they instinctively know now) when a line was crossed.

Nominated by: Miles Plastic