Forcing shots on you cunts

People (usually annoying female bosses in my experience) who force shots like tequila on you are cunts.

I’m a simple man, with simple tastes. A pint of ale and none of this fancy muck, thank you very much.

However, I sometimes end up in unavoidable situations where some cunt brings over a tray of shots.

“I’m sorry, but everyone must have at least 3. You must and that’s it! I won’t accept no for an answer, tee hee!”

Well, fuck right off. I fucking hate tequila. Or Jaigermaister. Or that fucking lethal absinthe.

Tequila involves sucking on fruit (lime, not a gay) and arranging salt on your hand. I can’t be fucking arsed with that bollocks. Leave me alone, you twats. And it’s fucking rank. And I’ve had supposed ‘high quality’ tequila too.

If someone said, here’s a great sandwich, but you need to balance a pickle on your forearm, quickly eat some peppercorns with the other hand, take a bite of the sandwich then swiftly gobble up the pickle from your other arm; would you bother?

Would you fuck.

No, fuck off with your shots. I don’t like them, never have and you don’t look ‘cool’ doing them. I just think ‘cunts’ when I see people whooping and doing them in pubs.

A drink goes from a glass into my gob. I’m not doing food and condement gmynastics because you want to pretend it’s an episode of ‘Friends’ or ‘Sex in the City’, you fucking twat.

Fuck off.

Nominated by: Cuntybollocks

I am sick and fucking tired of cunts who seem to think it’s OK to hammer on your door trying to flog you something and/or leave flyers/business cards attached to your front door.

With spring approaching and summer just around the corner, bastard shit brained companies think it’s acceptable to employ morons to go door-to-door trying to drum up new business. Landscaping, tree pruning, pressure washing, roofing, sprinkler system installation, you name it. Not interested.

If they can’t get you to answer the door, they’ll leave flyers or business cards attached to your front door. I have a massive problem with that. If you’re a burglar looking for a house to break into, you’re going to want to choose one where nobody’s home. Much less hassle that way since many homeowners are armed, including me! A sure sign no one is home is fucking flyers and business cards stuck to your front door and clearly visible from the street. Free local newspapers lying on the front path or lawn is another sign. We get those too. Didn’t ask for them. Don’t want them. And yet some cunt drives down the street and throws this crap at your house like they’re entitled to do so. I’ve tried to get that shit to stop too and nothing works. Bastards! This shit is compromising the security of my home and these cunts don’t give a shit!

I’ve placed signs on my front door before saying, “No flyers, business cards or solicitation of any kind. You are trespassing. Get off my property”. And they still leave their flyers!!!

Sometimes the flyer or business card includes an email address. Big mistake. I sign them up for all sorts of weird and wonderful websites and mailing lists. These cunts are usually illegal immigrants from Mexico. For some reason, Mexicans hate black people. Not sure why, but it amuses me to sign them up for BLM newsletters, Black Panther social events, etc. Who knew BLM would be useful for something? I always use their business ‘phone number when signing them up too. They’re usually cell ‘phones so it’s good to know they’ll be spammed as well.

This is just another form of entitlement where people think they can do what they like and you should just put up with it. There was a time when people’s property boundaries were respected and you only approached someone’s front door if you had a legitimate or prearranged reason for being there. Nowadays your front door is just another advertising hoarding for anyone and everyone who wants to use it. This should be illegal. Cunts.

Nominated by: Imitation Yank

This isn’t a cunting as such, quite the opposite in fact. But hopefully with the permission of the hard working, underpaid and under-appreciated admins (Not sure who they’d be – NA), I would like to put forward a one-off happy cunting. In other words everyday things that make you happy or glad to be alive, or appreciate that life here in the UK isn’t all that bad.

Here’s a few examples:-
Watching reruns of The Good Life and ogling Felicity Kendall’s impeccable arse!
A trip to the local beer garden and enjoying a few drinks with friends on a summer’s evening.
Walking through some of the Lake’s District’s most remote areas and appreciated that this place is really God’s own garden.
Steak & Kidney pie and chips from the local chippy in traditional paper wrapping
German female tourists arriving in their tight-fitting jeans and tops asking for directions while you ogle their “bits”
Pissing all over Porches on my Fireblade at traffic lights
Listening to the musical sounds of the 90s (House, Grunge, Handbag, Thrash
Reading Dick Fiddler’s dreamlike fantasies of trying to entice Gemma Arterton to his mansion in order to take down her particulars.
Listening to Canadian rock band, Rush
Overclocking AMD’s Ryzen Thread Ripper 3990X 64 core 128 thread CPU
Spring and Summer

There’s a few more I have but how about other contributions?

Nominated by: Technocunt

The University of Nottingham deserves to be cunted for their decision to withdraw the offer of an honorary degree for one of their alumni Dr Tony Sewell.

Something of a rarity Dr Sewell is a black academic who does not have a chip on his shoulder. Well into his 60s, he is a Brixton boy made good. He set up a charity aimed at getting more black kids to go to university. However, he made the mistake of producing a report which stated that Britain is not ‘institutionally racist. ‘Naturally, this meticulous piece of research did not go down well with the lefty wankers . The upshot was that his alma mater withdrew its offer .

Sorry Admin, as ever crap at finding links and posting them . Perhaps a fellow cunter could help me.

https://www.nottinghampost.com/news/tony-sewell-labels-university-nottingham-6805086

Nominated by Guzziguy

One of the many reasons your average American weighs 4 tons is because they’re fucking lazy. This manifests itself in a variety of ways, one of which is their refusal to maintain their own lawns.

Round my way, most of the houses are visited by a bunch of Mexican illegal immigrants – sorry, I meant dedicated, law abiding, high quality landscaping artists – armed with a variety of lawn tending equipment. Industrial sized ride-on lawn mower (petrol driven), strimmer (petrol driven) and my personal favourite, the petrol powered leaf blower.

These cunts show up and cause the most almighty racket, oblivious to the fucking disturbance and nuisance they are causing. The windows in the average American home serve a single purpose. You can look through them. That’s it. Good at keeping heat in and cold out? Nope. Good at sound insulation? Nope. So when these arse clowns show up across the street with their lawn implements from hell, it sounds like you’ve got a fucking leaf blower in the room with you. And of course their mere presence sets off the fucking dogs left out in people’s gardens so we have to listen to those cunts barking their heads off too.

You’d think they’d be quick so as to reduce the noise and disruption to the neighbourhood. Nope. In these ‘enlightened’ times when the planet is about to implode due to fossil fuel usage, you’d think they’d use quieter electric powered tools. Nope. Use a broom to quietly sweep up the grass clippings from paths, the road, etc.? Nope, leaf blower. Windy day so clearing up is practically impossible? Nope, leaf blower. Rainy day so the clippings stick to paths, etc. No problem, fire up the leaf blower.

Spring has not sprung yet round my way. Everyone’s lawns are brown and dormant. Nothing has grown since the temperatures dropped in November last year. So there’s really nothing to cut, yet. Does that deter these bastards? Nope. They’re out there causing mayhem, running their mowers but not actually cutting anything because the grass is too short. Not edging anything because there’s nothing to edge and blowing leaves and dust around with fucking leaf blowers to help justify their existence. And the homeowners are paying them to do it! Who’s the bigger cunt here?

Like many people, I now work from home so my house is now my office. I don’t need these cunts disturbing my peace and quiet while I do my work which, as it happens, requires a high degree of concentration and attention to detail. If the locals cannot be bothered to cut their own lawns quickly and efficiently with minimal fuss on a Sunday morning like normal human beings, then I should be allowed to introduce a couple of friends to play with their lawn crews. Smith and Wesson.

Nominated by: Imitation Yank