Earthquakes, droughts and volcanic eruptions. Plagues of locusts and flies. Flu, kidney stones and the clap. Diane Abbott, Justin Bieber, the SNP, and Birmingham City Football Club. These are just a very few of the tribulations meted out to humankind by a wrathful God, in retribution for the innumerable acts of greed, folly and stupidity it has committed down the ages.

Then we have…piles (aka haemorrhoids, in grander medical terminology). The other day, one of these gruesome little menaces caused much commotion by making a very unwelcome appearance on my now throbbing ringpiece, sending me hot foot to our medical practice. There I was forced to undergo the indignity of dropping my strides and bending over, so that my GP could slip on the old rubber glove and have a poke and prod at the bastard. She prescribed a course of suppositories, but they’ve proved to be useless so far, and they taste fucking horrible to boot.

‘Never mind’, said Mrs Knee, always on hand to dispense an unwanted piece of cod philosophy. ‘It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry’. Is it bollocks. Take it from me; piles are literally nothing more than a total pain in the arse.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Lived with me iron maidens for nigh orn seventy years. Occupational hazard for an old cunt that lives in the saddle. Got bunged up in Benghazi and spent many a morn trying to squeeze shite out orn the khazi. Finally the MO gave Yours Truly a syringe orf warm castor oil up the arse. Desired result but the pain! Infected piles burning hell orn earth and cunts find me affliction funny!!

Me tips for the callow cunter? Keep shite licuid by frecuenting Indian Restaurants (order the Vindaloo for guaranteed licuidity and a kinky blast orf heat ) and for personal comfort nestle your arse doine orn an inflatable cushion (carry with, am sitting orn one now). Bastard Cue Key has stuck.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

Some adverts annoy you as soon as you see them and this is one of them.

Not only are all the actors annoying cunts but the advert itself makes me go to the kitchen and kick the cat.

That cuntish dilly dilly just puts the icing on the cake of this being the most annoying advert of the year.

Nominated by Twatakincuntrubber

Oh my God!
There’s another one of those anti-social, badass, mad as a box of frogs space aliens on the rampage again. You know the type. Extremely bad attitude, face like a joiner’s nail bag, meaner than a wasp in a jam jar, list of grievances against mankind as long as a donkey’s dick. He’s out to take over the world, or even blow it to smithereens, depending on just how bad a day he’s having. The earth trembles beneath his giant footsteps. The thunderous clouds boil and roil. Help!! Who can save us from this unhinged craving for domination and destruction? There’s no hope. We’re doomed, doomed I tell you…
Oh. My. Gaaaaahhhdd!!

But wait. Great Caesar’s Ghost, what’s that flashing across the sky? Is it a bird, is it a plane? No, it’s Soup-purr-maan, here to fight for truth, justice, and the American Way, and save New York before tea time. What’s that thunderous roar? Why it’s the Batmobile! And here’s Iron Man, the X-Men, Black Widow, Ant Man, The Wasp, and The Flash. And, er, here comes Green Lantern, The Fantastic Four, Aquaman and Spiderman. Wow, it’s good ol’ boy Captain America. Way to go Cap!

Yes, to paraphrase that classic Monty Python sketch, there are just too many super heroes. They’re crawling out of the woodwork in their ridiculous lycra costumes and plastic helmets to overrun a cinema near you, and there appears to be no stopping them.

If you want to point the finger at those responsible for this infestation, direct it straight at Hollywood Babylon. Yes a huge corporate money tree has sprouted, and is growing wild. The suits and bean counters have hit paydirt in El Dorado, and they’re going to squeeze every buck until it squeaks for mercy. Meanwhile, bring out the girls, the champagne and the devil’s dandruff, light up that see-gar with a $50 bill, and let the good times roll.

This is a conundrum if ever there was one. Thor and co. will save us from the Earth slayers, but who will save us from Thor and co? Clearly it’s a job way beyond the likes of your normal pest control outfit. Rentokil can always cope with wasps, mice and cockroaches, but they don’t have a powder to spray that can take out Spiderman, or a trap any way near big enough to do for The Hulk.

Oh well, if you can’t beat ’em, try avoiding them. I’ll just see what’s on the telly instead. Here we go;
-7pm; ‘Avengers, the Age of ultron
-9 pm; ‘Soup-purr-maan v. Batman
-11 pm; Dr. Strange

Fucking hell, where did I put that Kryptonite?

NB; Specific Exclusion
I wish to state categorically that under no circumstances do I wish to be saved from that Wonder Woman bird. She is what I call fit, her.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Commercial gyms are cunts aren’t they?

Now, I like to lift weights and all (not for ego lifting or any of that crap, just because it helps me with my mental and physical wellbeing), but commercial gyms truly are a wretched hive of scum and villainy. First, there’s the loud, obnoxious, generic pop music coming out the speakers and through my earphones. Then, we have people constantly taking up space and equipment that you need, with some cunts even occasionally doing their exercises RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE WEIGHT RACK because – at least in the gym I’m currently using whilst I’m home from university for the summer – it’s directly in front of the mirror.

Oh, then there’s the people who are too lazy to put the fucking weights back, on top of the vain fuckers who only go there to show off and take pictures for their Instagram. And that’s only scratching the surface. They’re worth putting up with in my view because weightlifting has benefitted me and buying my own weights would cost a king’s ransom but they can be truly unpleasant places.

Nominated by OpinionatedCunt

Sirs, I apologise if this has been cunted before but I would like to cunt businesses that have the word ‘solutions’ after their name. It means something like ‘you have a problem, we have the solution.’

An example would be Logistics Solutions which used to be termed road haulage or similar. Ghostbusters, the non culturally enriched version, could be ‘Malign Spirits Solutions.’ That name might also apply to The Exorcist.

Anyway today I saw ‘Water Solutions for home and office needs’ on the back of a white van. Bear in mind they believe some cunt thinks they have a water problem and this shit outfit is going to fix it. Last I saw in this country water fell from the sky and came out of fucking taps. Anyway you get the drift and will likely have better examples than I do. Perhaps ‘Is A Cunt’ would be renamed ‘Cunting Solutions.’ The advert would run summat like ‘Have a problem with someone you need cunting? We have the solution.’

Which is how I found you lot when I Googled Alex Salmond is a cunt. Problem solved.

Nominated by Alan Fistula