Cilla Black [2]

Cilla 2

Reports of scarse scrubber and Livverpoool luvvy Cilla Black being completely deaf. Explains much. Add to that completely tone deaf. Never found our Cilla a lorra lorra laffs. Back in her heyday me old mellow valve wireless could never do much with her excoriating upper register. Bugger knows how the old cow has managed to build a vastly lucrative career on a two note range, one sharp and one flat, while almost single handedly destroying any fond memories of the Livverpoool sound.

Only saving grace is she is now too knackered to appear ont telly any more with those crap Livverpoool lafia alleged comedians like Jimmy Tarbuck who are now mostly dead or awaiting a trial date for having been caught with a hand oop ar kids arse. Little home remedy tip. If afflicted by a build up orf ear wax try playing “You’re my World” full blast. That’ll clear it.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

National Treasures


A cunt by any other name…

I hope everyone realises that the rest of the nation plays ‘Is A Cunt’ but has a different name for it. Everyone else calls it “National Treasures”. Think of all the people routinely referred to as “national treasures” – Stephen Fry, Sandi Toksvig, Miranda Hart, Alan Titchmarsh, even Morrissey, for fuck’s sake.


Nominated by: Fred West

Cliff Richard, “Sir” Elton John, Helen Mirren, Jeremy Clarkson and now that cunt who plays Sherlock (Jeremy Brett is ‘the’ Sherlock Holmes and Tom Baker is ‘the’ Dr. Who, so the BBC can fuck right off!).

Then of course there is there are the national treasures of the arsewipe tabloid press and the riff-raff who read them: The Beckhams, Katie “any which way you can” Price, Simon Cowell, Noel Gallagher (and his cunt of a brother), Peter Kay, Cheryl Cole, Wayne and Coleen Rooney…

The national treasure cunt quota in Britain is now massively high…

Nominated by: Norman Whiteside

The biggest cunt of a National Treasure of them all : Helen Mirren – a woman so far up her own arse she meets herself coming back the other way!

Nominated by: Dioclese

Plastic Brits


Andy Murray is a cunt. But at least he’s prepared to proclaim himself a Scottish cunt. Not British. Scottish

What about the cunts who pretend to be British? Zola Budd (South African), Greg Russedski (Canadian), Kevin Petersen (South African).

And 61 members of the 2012 Olympic Team GB : Mo Farrar (Somalia), Jessica Ennis (Jamaica), Yamile Aldama (Cuba), Michael Bingham (USA), Shana Cox (USA), Tiffany Porter (USA), Shara Proctor (Anguilla) and many others.

Bradley fucking Wiggins was born in Belgium. Laura Robson was born in Australia of Australian parents. How does make her British?

Could it be that they had a better chance of selection by crawling to the desperate British team? Medals at any price? Sad cunts.

Even Cliff fucking Richard was born in India. Winning Eurovision doesn’t make him British.

Murray may be a cunt – but at least he’s an honest cunt.

Nominated by: Seb Coe’s other half