Cliff Richard [2]

I must confess to feeling a degree of sympathy of late for ‘The Peter Pan of Pop’. I mean, it must have been a laugh a minute having the scuffers raid your house on the basis of sexual abuse allegations made against you (unsubstantiated, and very likely bogus, it seems). To add to the fun, you had the Beeb avidly filming events to splash across the national news, apparently acting on a tip off from the cops at that. It sounds like the stuff that prolonged and hellish nightmares are made of, and could have been the fast track to ruin. Still, no case was ever made, and you sued the rozzers and the Beeb and won, earning apologies and a nice piece of change in the process. Fair play on that one.
I have to say however that my sympathy has entirely evaporated since learning that you’re now staging a ’60th Anniversary Tour’. What the fuck? Now it may be that some geriatric biddies will moisten the front of their incontinence pants watching you trying to gyrate your creaking hips, but I’m afraid that it’s a big fat ‘meh’ as far as the rest of us are concerned. Spare us the embarrassment, and yourself the risk to life and limb. People at our time of life need to exercise a degree of caution. If things get a bit exuberant as you wheeze out such all time greats as ‘Congratulations’ and ‘Devil Woman’, you could easily slip a disc, and that’s some serious grief, I can tell you. If things really were to go tits up, you might even do a Tommy Cooper and cark it on stage, and your selfishness would have deprived us of a ‘national treasure’.
Seriously, why are you doing it? You really can’t need the money. I heard that you’ve got a swanky pad in the West Indies or somewhere, so why not retire quietly and gracefully, put your feet up, and enjoy the sun? It’s what any other coffin dodger in your enviable position would do.
(Oh and a word in your shell like by the way. Nobody believes that your hair is really that colour).
Peter Pan? Down the pan more like, if you don’t turn it in. Stop being a fanny and get a grip.

Sir Cliff Richard is 77.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Cilla Black [2]

Cilla 2

Reports of scarse scrubber and Livverpoool luvvy Cilla Black being completely deaf. Explains much. Add to that completely tone deaf. Never found our Cilla a lorra lorra laffs. Back in her heyday me old mellow valve wireless could never do much with her excoriating upper register. Bugger knows how the old cow has managed to build a vastly lucrative career on a two note range, one sharp and one flat, while almost single handedly destroying any fond memories of the Livverpoool sound.

Only saving grace is she is now too knackered to appear ont telly any more with those crap Livverpoool lafia alleged comedians like Jimmy Tarbuck who are now mostly dead or awaiting a trial date for having been caught with a hand oop ar kids arse. Little home remedy tip. If afflicted by a build up orf ear wax try playing “You’re my World” full blast. That’ll clear it.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

National Treasures


A cunt by any other name…

I hope everyone realises that the rest of the nation plays ‘Is A Cunt’ but has a different name for it. Everyone else calls it “National Treasures”. Think of all the people routinely referred to as “national treasures” – Stephen Fry, Sandi Toksvig, Miranda Hart, Alan Titchmarsh, even Morrissey, for fuck’s sake.


Nominated by: Fred West

Cliff Richard, “Sir” Elton John, Helen Mirren, Jeremy Clarkson and now that cunt who plays Sherlock (Jeremy Brett is ‘the’ Sherlock Holmes and Tom Baker is ‘the’ Dr. Who, so the BBC can fuck right off!).

Then of course there is there are the national treasures of the arsewipe tabloid press and the riff-raff who read them: The Beckhams, Katie “any which way you can” Price, Simon Cowell, Noel Gallagher (and his cunt of a brother), Peter Kay, Cheryl Cole, Wayne and Coleen Rooney…

The national treasure cunt quota in Britain is now massively high…

Nominated by: Norman Whiteside

The biggest cunt of a National Treasure of them all : Helen Mirren – a woman so far up her own arse she meets herself coming back the other way!

Nominated by: Dioclese

Plastic Brits


Andy Murray is a cunt. But at least he’s prepared to proclaim himself a Scottish cunt. Not British. Scottish

What about the cunts who pretend to be British? Zola Budd (South African), Greg Russedski (Canadian), Kevin Petersen (South African).

And 61 members of the 2012 Olympic Team GB : Mo Farrar (Somalia), Jessica Ennis (Jamaica), Yamile Aldama (Cuba), Michael Bingham (USA), Shana Cox (USA), Tiffany Porter (USA), Shara Proctor (Anguilla) and many others.

Bradley fucking Wiggins was born in Belgium. Laura Robson was born in Australia of Australian parents. How does make her British?

Could it be that they had a better chance of selection by crawling to the desperate British team? Medals at any price? Sad cunts.

Even Cliff fucking Richard was born in India. Winning Eurovision doesn’t make him British.

Murray may be a cunt – but at least he’s an honest cunt.

Nominated by: Seb Coe’s other half