HOW TO NOMINATE YOUR CHOSEN CUNT
Use the comments section below to write up your cunt for a nomination.
We won’t write your cunt up for you. If you can’t be fucking bothered, neither can we – so don’t be a cunt by submitting a one liner
The admins will review this page periodically and will either
1. Post your nomination immediately
2. Schedule it for posting later
3. Decide it’s not appropriate!
After reviewing the nomination, it will be deleted so when it disappears from this page then you know it’s been actioned.
How many fucking times to we have to tell you not to reply to the nominations below? Wait until they are posted!
This system makes it easier and quicker to find nominations and for admin to control them. The site receives several hundred comments a day as it’s a chore ploughing through them all. It should also help keep comments on the front page on topic. Nominations posted elsewhere will be ignored.
*** SOME SIMPLE RULES ***
[1] Posting in all lower case triggers the spam filter and automatically consigns your comments to oblivion.
[2] Don’t be a lazy cunt and use an eMoji as a name ‘cos it just gets binned and you’re wasting your time and ours.
[3] Write a nomination not War and Peace. We have to read it to check the content and we have better things to do! “Brevity is the soul of wit”
LET’S GET CUNTING!
Note to all.
Please read the instructions at the top of the page because it really is getting on our tits answering the same questions over and over again
And when your nom disappears, DON’T fucking post it again!
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Whilst absolutely simpatico with the sentiments above, Yours Truly cannot help but wonder why then there are reply boxes for the posts at all. Funny that. All sweetness and love and the profoundest Ommmm in Earth Time to you all. Bugger me this some sweet shit. Woooooooooo…………………….
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The answer its really quite simple Limpers – we can’t turn the fuckers off.
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For absolute clarity and the avoidance of doubt then:
IF someone posts a jolly good cunting and another cunter wishes to add their twopennyworth on the same topic, should we make a separate entry, or are we permitted under those circumstances to submit cuntings on the same topic as comments on the original?
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We’d likely pick it up either way, but a separate top level comment is probably best. Even if they are days apart we will usually pck them up and combine them under two separate nominees.
With common sense we can all tell the difference can’t we?
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I never thought I’d find myself defending that lisping prick, Jamie Oliver, but my nomination means it’s unavoidable. Snowflakes.
Jamie Oliver has just brought out a new product for the consumption of his fans. He’s called ‘Jerk Rice’ (appropriate for him really), and fuck me if it hasn’t caused much anger and offence among snowflakes and other assorted brain dead assholes. “CULTURAL APPROPRIATION”, they’ve been screaming to those who can be bothered to listen to their hysterical bollocks.
Brent Central MP, Dawn Butler has been leading the over emotional shit flinging against Oliver, along with such culinary greats as Levi Roots and Rusty Lee. “It’s an insult to Caribbean people” claims Rusty. Levi says that it lacks vital ingredients to be able to accurately name it jerk chicken, and believes it was a mistake.
Here’s my problem. We’re supposed to live in a multicultural society (which none ever agreed to or asked for. It was forced upon us by Blair and his minions). To me, multiculturalism is all about sharing in, and learning from, the many cultures of the endless stream of foreigners who are invading our shores. That can’t happen if dicks like Butler, Lee, Roots and the army of offense taking non-white sections are constantly whingeing whenever someone from outside their culture dares to adopt a part of that culture. Which means the claim we live in a multicultural society is a lie.
So, if I choose to eat jerk chicken, or any Caribbean/African dish, does that make me guilty of cultural appropriation or even racism? According to Butler, Lee, Roots and their followers, it does. To those from a minority who have a brain that actually works properly, such as the soon to be Mrs QDM and her family and friends, it does not. I’ve been to African weddings where I was asked to dress in traditional African clothing, and not one person was offended by me doing so. Some of the other guests, including the families of the bride and groom were pleased that I had dressed in such a way.
As usual, it’s one rule for them and one rule for white people. There are literally millions of non-white people in the UK who wear western clothing and eat British food. A lot of them also play cricket, football and rugby, three sports invented white, British people. So, by the logic of the offensive takers, they too are guilty of cultural appropriation. And I would go further than that. By crying like three year old girls that a white man has had the audacity to ‘appropriate’ their culture, they are guilty of something far worse. Racism. Let’s face it, those who scream ‘cultural appropriation’ wouldn’t be quite so worked up if Delroy Adebayo started selling his own brand of Yorkshire puddings, or black pudding.
Not a single member of my missus’s family has taken offence at what Oliver has done. None of their relatives and friends have taken offence. And I would hazard a guess that most people of Afro Caribbean descent couldn’t give a fuck either. In fact, they’re probably having a good laugh over how shite Oliver’s jerk rice is.
I’m sick to the back teeth of jumped up twats taking offence at every little thing, and making an issue out something that most sensible people couldn’t give a flying hippo’s fuck about. They need to decide, quickly, whether or not we do live in a multicultural society. If we do, then it’s ok for people to dip into the cultures of others. In which case, they need to shut the fuck up. If we don’t, then they need to stop wearing western clothes, playing western sports and eating western food. If they don’t, they’re guilty of cultural appropriation.
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The Pope and the whole Catholic Church are cunts aren’t they?
All over the world these vile perverts have been abusing boys and girls while being protected by holy hypocrites. How can the Pope or any of these creatures speak with ‘moral authority’ on anything? But they do. The current pervert-in-chief is rambling on in true ‘Thought for the Day’ mealy mouthed nonsense style about how they have let children down.
These are the fuckers who give spiritual guidance on abortion, contraception and sex.
You have been found out you dirty perverted scumbags. You have been at it for fucking centuries. Even the fucking bogtrotters have finally seen through you.
Disgusting cunts.
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Multiplex Cinemas
‘You learn something every day’, they say. Well today I learned that multiplexes are cunts.
Things started badly early doors, with rain putting paid to my gardening plans. Not having been to the pictures for ages, we decided to take in a flick, and that’s when the problems really started.
I waded through the programme (mostly Yank shite) trying to pick the bones out of-
* ‘animations’ (cartoons to you)
*another bastard superhero
*a musical with that horrible smug cow Streep in it
*something with her off that shitty ‘Ghostbusters’ retread in it
*yet another fucking shark film (done to death, or what?)
*corporate franchise money trees of the ‘Mission Impossible 27; Cash In’ & ‘Star Wars; The Next Fast Buck’ variety
Amazingly, I found a gem buried in this slag, a low-key, 50s set Brit drama called ‘The Book Shop’ (recommended), so off we went to get our tickets. Easier said than done. Nowadays, you can’t simply buy a ticket. You have to turn up an hour early and stand in a queue with all those who also want to buy teeth rotting popcorn, a bucket of cola, or a trough of something called ‘nachos’. The latter appears to consist of microwaved horseshit with bits of card stuck in it, all smothered in elastic ‘cheese’ sprayed from a can, would you believe. This abomination can actually be taken into the ‘screen’, where it reeks the place out like a particularly ripe fart. Then I finally reached the counter, only to shit a brick when told by the spotty faced, minimum wag oik ‘serving’ that even with a concession, it would cost the thick end of twenty notes for me and the missus to gain admission. Fuck, we wanted to see a film, not put a deposit down on the dump.
So, we finally got settled in to await the film, only to be tortured by a barrage of ‘aspirational lifestyle’ adverts. Very persuasive in my case as it turned out, as I couldn’t wait to get out to buy the latest must have top of the range smartphone and a fucking BMW.
At last, the main event, preceded by a plea to ‘switch off your phones, finish your conversations, and enjoy the film in peace’. No fucking chance. As the credits rolled, some cow opened a huge bag of cellophane wrapped sweets which she then rattled for the next hour. Meanwhile two ‘Mrs. Brady Old Lady’ types chuntered on (‘my Sidney had a coat like that’, ‘…coat like that, yes’) until hushed by a shout of ‘be quiet, you silly old woman!’. Then some cunt’s mobile phone went off… Finally, I had to lurch out half way through for a leak, missing a chunk of the film (the prostate, now there’s a fucker that needs a cunting if ever there was).
Well now I know. If you actually want to enjoy a film, the last place to see it is in a multiplex. Next time I’ll wait until ASDA’s got the dvd for a fiver, and I’ll enjoy it in the peace of my own home, with the added advantage of being able to pause it if I need a piss. ‘The Multiplex Experience’, coming soon to a cinema near you, and it’s a right sack of cack.
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Dandelions
Hands up if you fucking well despise dandelions.
I love flowers and plants of all kinds, and while I’m the first to admit that I’m no Monty Don, I do enjoy a spot of gardening, a pastime which I find to be both relaxing and therapeutic. But one thing puts the mockers on it for me, and that’s dandelions, those pig ugly little triffid wannabes.
We’ve had precious little rain these last few weeks, and gardens have started to resemble the Kansas dustbowl as most plants have shrivelled up and died. Not dandelions though, oh no. You’ve almost got to admire just how tough they are, harder than Jason fucking Statham and that’s a fact. Get a drop of rain and they’re like a rat up a drainpipe. There are suddenly hundreds everywhere, and you can hear them growing.
You can rip off their fucking sickly looking yellow heads, blowtorch them, dig them up and poison them, but you can never succeed in getting rid of them. Miss one flower, and you’ve got a ‘clock’ which scatters a thousand seeds to the wind. Flies envy their ability to breed that fast.
I’m not paranoid, but I reckon that Mulder and Scully need to get on to this bloody sharpish. The fuckers are out to take over I tell you…
(enter Mrs Knee with my meds and a soothing ‘now calm down, dear, the doctor’s coming…’).
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A short sharp cunting for writers of politically correct software.
When you can’t write a post with words like tyco*n or raco*n without being automatically moderated then things are in a very sorry state.
Writers of politically correct software, you are cunts, fuck off.
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