Going on safari

Safari

Friends of mine recently went on safari. It is not so much them going which annoys me, after all, I didn’t even know they had gone, but how they acted when they came back.

If I went to the zoo I would say I had seen some mad bears, some sad elephants and some depressed rhinos or something. If you have been on fucking safari though, you come back saying that you saw elephant, giraffe and lion.

Y’all know The Queen’s is not my mother tongue, but I am fucking sure the plural of lion is lions. Not if you have been on safari it isn’t. It is necessary to let people know you have been on safari by referring to all the animals in the singular even if there were fucking big herds of the cunts.

People say “Lions are big cats” and they are right. That is exactly what they are. You would not catch me flying all the way to Nigeria and paying a fortune to sleep rough and look at large cats. Lion? Fuck off.

I am still not entirely convinced that the plural of sheep isn’t sheeps.

Safaris are for cunts.

Nominated by: Sterculian Rhetoric

Mastermind

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Mastermind. I thought the rule is that you’re only allowed one go at it. I remember Magnus Magnusson having to tell the viewers why one cheat had been disqualified in the 1980’s.

But recently there was a woman who had been on it a few years ago. Rachel Neiman. How did I recognise her? 1) She’s blind. 2) she’s very fat. 3) maybe more memorably, she has bright pink hair. She won, as well, although her specialist subject was some Radio 4 sitcom (a euphemism for SHITE) of few episodes. Mind you, her general knowledge was pretty good.

Still, seems against the spirit of the show. Unless the BBC intend to let her enter as many times as she wants until she wins the fucking thing. I emailed them earlier regarding this, but considering their history of openness and transparency regarding such things, my breath is not held.

Nominated by: Guardian Hater

Shaker Aamer

Shaker Aamer

Shaker Aamer deserves a cunting. So do the entire British media, for climbing right up his arse. Especially for constantly referring to the raghead cunt as British, when they know full well that he fucking isn’t. He’s Saudi Arabian. The fact his camel shagging wife has a British passport does not mean that he, or she for that matter, are British. As the Duke of Wellington is alleged to have said, “Just because one is born is a stable, it does not necessarily follow that one is a horse”.

Aamer first though. This cunt was picked up in Afghanistan in 2001. According to him he was doing good deeds for an Islamic charity, as you do in a war zone. And just like every other ‘charity worker’ who was captured in Afghanistan, who definitely were not terrorists. The thing is, none of the reports I’ve read mention Aamer’s friendship with Moazzam Begg, that other well known terrori…err…charity worker.

Begg apparently identified Aamer as an Al Qaeda recruiter, and said he had fought in Bosnia and had been a member of the jihadist group run by Abu Zubair al-Haili (a senior al-Qaeda terrorist from Saudi Arabia) and had among other things spent 30 days training on the AK-47 and rocket propelled grenades. Seven separate sources at Guantanamo also described Aamer’s connections to al-Qaeda.

Now Begg may have been lying, but SEVEN others too? The US believe that Aamer had visited Afghanistan as early as 2000, and was apparently observed travelling with the Mujahideen, and carrying a weapon. He came back to Britain and then moved his family to Afghanistan in the summer of 2001, before moving them to Pakistan in October 2001. He though, stayed, and is believed to have become a Sub-Commander with the Taliban, where he fought in the Tora Bora mountains. If that’s true then he and I may well have crossed paths, because I was in Tora Bora with my unit in 2001, fighting the Taliban. Naturally, I don’t have any proof. But if even a fraction of those allegations are true, then a dangerous terrorist has just been allowed to infest our country.

THAT is what landed on British soil in a private jet on Friday, which subsequently whisked away in a private ambulance, to see a private doctor on Harley Street. At British taxpayers expense. THAT is whose rectum our media have been falling over each other to climb up. It is this filthy piece of shit, who our government, current and previous have campaigned to have freed. It sickens me to think that I lost two of my best friends fighting a war against terrorists, and one has not only been allowed in, but treated like a fucking rock star. And just to add insult to injury, the cheeky cunt might actually sue us.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

Monarchy

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I’ve got nothing against Liz and her german brood personally but I’m sure they could be doing something more fulfilling and productive.

It’s not monarchies per se but other cunts copying the principle – Noth Korea (KIm Jong Il then Kim Jong Very Ill then Kim Jong Dead (thank you E. J. Thribbs – Private Eye) and the incumbent Kim Jong cunt, Syria, Unites States, various kelptocracies who really push the envelope.

I haven’t, yet, heard of Liz dispensing with the services of a footman or Lady in Waiting (who incur her displeasure) via a firing squad of anti-aircraft fire, but at pushing 90 she’s getting to alzheimer age territory so it may happen.

The hereditary accession to a position of responsibility without any checks for suitability or aptitude is frankly bollox. The UK has a shortage of doctors and maths teachers so why don’t we extend the principle of divine accession to the offspring of our current doctors and maths teachers and save on the 5 or 7 years or whatever it takes to qualify and just bung ’em straight in the hospitals and schools and see what results they achieve.

Nominated by: Mary Hinge-Frottom

Eastenders Plot-lines

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Dr Legg returns to open a 7 day a week surgery.

Lofty will return with a heroin addiction and it turns out his dealer is Nick Cotton.

Arthur returns with a pyramid scheme involving timeshares in Magaluf, he will do a runner with the money before shagging Mrs Hewitt.

Sanjay & Gita will return on Ramadan and open an ISIS stall on the market much to Tricky Dicky’s disgust.

Dot will complain to Mr Popadopoulous and the laundrette will be converted in to a European brothel run by James Willmot Brown, cue another rape storyline

The Tavernier’s will return from Norwich as the token black family.

And of course, some of the classic woofters will return. Colin & Barry will return from Brighton looking to adopt kids but be forced to as Dot Cotton to be the surrogate.

Only a bunch of cunts could write this stuff!

Nominated by: Boaby

Posted in BBC