Enforcement Officers are cunts.

Enforcement Officers, or as I call them ‘Plastic Policepeople’ are effectively a ‘high & fucking mighty’ bunch of cunts!

The word ‘enforce’ surely means ‘You will do,’ rather than ‘encourage,’ which I would prefer to be used. Cuntfrontational is all I see, as the Railway Enforcement Officers, strut around in their hi viz, looking very important, as if they are enticing someone to ‘have a fuckin’go!’ & then there’s the Parking Enforcement Brigade, formally called traffic wardens, that did come with a proper uniform, & are now a bit of a mixed bunch.

But the worst cunts of all are the Environmental Enforcement Officers, yes, the ones that hide in the undergrowth, waiting for you to drop an apple pip, when they will jump out & say “I saw that! I’ve got you on camera! You won’t get away with it!” So bugger me, that’s another 80 quid on top of the last one, for when I got caught for fly tipping that double king size bed last week.

But seriously, these cunts also work along side the police in cities, where I have personally seen them use unreasonable force, on lesser mortals, like genuine homeless people, & those not even considered a threat. I don’t think they do a jacket for alcohol enforcement, but I would gladly steal one of them jackets just to wear in my local!

Nominated by: Lord Scunthorpe

Here you go, a nice inoffensive non-racial, non-sexual, non-Ukraine, big standard vanilla cunting.

Pavement parkers are outright cunts, for whom I would make the tariff for the offence instant death. Every day, I walk the hounds along a road at the back of the High Road and invariably have to walk in the road due to cunts parked on the pavement. The fact that I am having to walk rather than drive is due to the fact the Merc has had another fucking hissy fit and gone wrong again (suspension this time). Mercedes will get their own special cunting in due course.

What really gets my goat is the half-arsed attempt to park part-way on the pavement and part-way on the road. FFS, why inconvenience both drivers and pedestrians? Apparently, the council can do nothing about pavement parking – the rules in London mean pavement parking is illegal, but not in the sticks. So, the silly cunts can give you a ticket if you are on a yellow line, but not if you are parked full on the pavement. Even worse are the fucking women (always women) who park on the pavement with hazard lights on and go and get a coffee. We also had a lovely bot of grass with daffs and crocuses – what happens? Yep, fucking vans, 4x4s and those cunting pick up trucks (with names like Warrior, Small Dick, Barbrian and the like) park all over it and it’s now a mudbath.

I know it is hard to park, but these cunts have no fuckign consideration for anyone but themselves.

Nominated by Lord Cuntingford

Forcing shots on you cunts

People (usually annoying female bosses in my experience) who force shots like tequila on you are cunts.

I’m a simple man, with simple tastes. A pint of ale and none of this fancy muck, thank you very much.

However, I sometimes end up in unavoidable situations where some cunt brings over a tray of shots.

“I’m sorry, but everyone must have at least 3. You must and that’s it! I won’t accept no for an answer, tee hee!”

Well, fuck right off. I fucking hate tequila. Or Jaigermaister. Or that fucking lethal absinthe.

Tequila involves sucking on fruit (lime, not a gay) and arranging salt on your hand. I can’t be fucking arsed with that bollocks. Leave me alone, you twats. And it’s fucking rank. And I’ve had supposed ‘high quality’ tequila too.

If someone said, here’s a great sandwich, but you need to balance a pickle on your forearm, quickly eat some peppercorns with the other hand, take a bite of the sandwich then swiftly gobble up the pickle from your other arm; would you bother?

Would you fuck.

No, fuck off with your shots. I don’t like them, never have and you don’t look ‘cool’ doing them. I just think ‘cunts’ when I see people whooping and doing them in pubs.

A drink goes from a glass into my gob. I’m not doing food and condement gmynastics because you want to pretend it’s an episode of ‘Friends’ or ‘Sex in the City’, you fucking twat.

Fuck off.

Nominated by: Cuntybollocks

I am sick and fucking tired of cunts who seem to think it’s OK to hammer on your door trying to flog you something and/or leave flyers/business cards attached to your front door.

With spring approaching and summer just around the corner, bastard shit brained companies think it’s acceptable to employ morons to go door-to-door trying to drum up new business. Landscaping, tree pruning, pressure washing, roofing, sprinkler system installation, you name it. Not interested.

If they can’t get you to answer the door, they’ll leave flyers or business cards attached to your front door. I have a massive problem with that. If you’re a burglar looking for a house to break into, you’re going to want to choose one where nobody’s home. Much less hassle that way since many homeowners are armed, including me! A sure sign no one is home is fucking flyers and business cards stuck to your front door and clearly visible from the street. Free local newspapers lying on the front path or lawn is another sign. We get those too. Didn’t ask for them. Don’t want them. And yet some cunt drives down the street and throws this crap at your house like they’re entitled to do so. I’ve tried to get that shit to stop too and nothing works. Bastards! This shit is compromising the security of my home and these cunts don’t give a shit!

I’ve placed signs on my front door before saying, “No flyers, business cards or solicitation of any kind. You are trespassing. Get off my property”. And they still leave their flyers!!!

Sometimes the flyer or business card includes an email address. Big mistake. I sign them up for all sorts of weird and wonderful websites and mailing lists. These cunts are usually illegal immigrants from Mexico. For some reason, Mexicans hate black people. Not sure why, but it amuses me to sign them up for BLM newsletters, Black Panther social events, etc. Who knew BLM would be useful for something? I always use their business ‘phone number when signing them up too. They’re usually cell ‘phones so it’s good to know they’ll be spammed as well.

This is just another form of entitlement where people think they can do what they like and you should just put up with it. There was a time when people’s property boundaries were respected and you only approached someone’s front door if you had a legitimate or prearranged reason for being there. Nowadays your front door is just another advertising hoarding for anyone and everyone who wants to use it. This should be illegal. Cunts.

Nominated by: Imitation Yank

This isn’t a cunting as such, quite the opposite in fact. But hopefully with the permission of the hard working, underpaid and under-appreciated admins (Not sure who they’d be – NA), I would like to put forward a one-off happy cunting. In other words everyday things that make you happy or glad to be alive, or appreciate that life here in the UK isn’t all that bad.

Here’s a few examples:-
Watching reruns of The Good Life and ogling Felicity Kendall’s impeccable arse!
A trip to the local beer garden and enjoying a few drinks with friends on a summer’s evening.
Walking through some of the Lake’s District’s most remote areas and appreciated that this place is really God’s own garden.
Steak & Kidney pie and chips from the local chippy in traditional paper wrapping
German female tourists arriving in their tight-fitting jeans and tops asking for directions while you ogle their “bits”
Pissing all over Porches on my Fireblade at traffic lights
Listening to the musical sounds of the 90s (House, Grunge, Handbag, Thrash
Reading Dick Fiddler’s dreamlike fantasies of trying to entice Gemma Arterton to his mansion in order to take down her particulars.
Listening to Canadian rock band, Rush
Overclocking AMD’s Ryzen Thread Ripper 3990X 64 core 128 thread CPU
Spring and Summer

There’s a few more I have but how about other contributions?

Nominated by: Technocunt