Buying a new car is a total cunt.

I’m in the market for a smaller, more economical car. I no longer need the 2lt diesel which I pulled a large caravan with as we’ve sold the wobble box. The first job is to work out what I need, and what I need barely exists.

As I’m ‘well nourished’ I like a bit of space and something a bit taller than a super mini. As myself and Mrs Cuntatious are getting older and less supple something easy to get in and out of is appropriate. You’d be surprised just how wank new cars are, lots are very low and have pathetic seats which tend to be hard and unyielding.

I’ve eventually narrowed it down to a few models which I’ve been investigating recently. Herein lies the biggest obstacle to obtaining the vehicle of my dreams, the fucking car dealers. Is every car salesman a cunt? I ask because they either totally ignore you or stick like a fucking leech. All I want to do is get a bit of info, sit in one and have a general shufty before I decide what to test drive. No doubt the test drive will be accompanied by one of these cunts, 5 minutes around the block and Jimminy fucking Cricket on the shoulder.

Like most folk I’ve looked on Autotrader, this is now rammed with cars being sold by big online dealers, you order and they deliver, no chance of looking over it, no chance of a test drive who the fuck buys a car like this? Cunts like Cazoo and Cinch (don’t get me started on the massive cunt Rylan) are all over Autotrader and it’s depressing. I’m almost at the point that I’ll keep my old one, it’s serviced on the nail by the manufacturer and runs like a dream.

Fucking car industry, it should be a nice experience and it’s not. The makers lie about the fuel consumption, it’s never what they claim, they lie about the cost, they charge for every fucking extra, even some mats, they charge for a different colour, the bastard has to be painted so why is it hundreds of pounds more if you fancy a red one instead of black?

Just fuck off, I’m getting a horse.

Nominated by: Bertram Cuntatious DCO

Nothing boils my piss much more than the “woe is me” bullshit of cunts abroad, who believe laws of other countries are merely for the “local population” and think the “you can’t do that, I’m British” line will cut the mustard.

From the man sentenced to lashes for making alcohol in some Middle Eastern shithole, then cunts who try to get out of being hanged for drug smuggling in Singapore. I say thank fuck there are still countries that enforce punishments for crimes. Maybe Abdul, Rastus and Pavlov, would think twice about “refuging” in Blighty if we had proper punishments to fit the crime.

As someone who spent 37 years in Rhodesia, I know that following laws and customs is the done thing if you don’t want to end up doing the “Spandau Ballet” or having a back that looks like you’ve been lying on a George Forman grill. Fuck these expat law breakers. Throw the fucking book at them, so the cunts think twice before doing it again (after a thorough sjamboking of course!!!)

Nominated by: Captain Quimson

Graham Linehan is a television writer behind programmes such as Father Ted YouTube LinkThe IT Crowd and Black Books but is probably more well-known today as being the victim of a vindictive trial by social media campaign that has cost him his career, reputation and marriage.

His ‘crimes’? To voice scepticism over gender self-identification , puberty blockers for children, lottery funding for Mermaids, the children’s transgender charity, to open clinics around the country and the erosion of women’s rights and spaces.

It started pretty innocuous, handbags with transbender ‘activists’ on Twitter, then just snowballed from then on. Police called for allegations of “transphobia”, being doxed and having his home address made public and then coming after his career, civil legal action followed. Friends stopped calling or ghosted him on social media, TV companies, producers and agents wouldn’t take his calls and marriage eventual breakup .He was even offered £200,000 to walk away from Father Ted the Musical because he was considered so toxic it was felt they wouldn’t get financing.

This Kafkaesque nightmare started because of an unhinged minority on Twitter couldn’t except their ideology being challenged and Linehan meekly fucking off as many have done before.

The Spectator Link

Nominated by: Liberal Liquidator