Shani Davis

I offer up to you what is in my eyes the Cunt Colossus of last week Shani Davis.

This heavily suntanned Americunt speed skater lost a coin toss to a White Americunt athlete to decide which cunt carried the Americunt flag at the Winter Olympic games opening ceremony.

So what you say? This piece of outdated farm equipment then went on twatter to play the usual race card, didn’t turn up for the ceremony and anyone who criticises him is racist. That’ll be me then.

Oh, and his name is Shani. Should be Shami. The names Leather, Shami Leather…coming to an empty cinema near you. Black Panther will be a cunt. A violent cunt I predict…

Nominated by Findus C Pancake

Captain Sensible [2]

Just seen Captain Sensible on the local news flogging a new The Damned reunion.

He’s still wearing that red beret and calling himself ‘Captain Sensible’. And wearing sunglasses indoors. I imagine because like Bongo and many others of his vintage, his eyes are like pissholes in the snow.

‘Raymond Burns’ is 63. Cunt. I’ll give you fucking happy talk.

Nominated by Mecha-Rigsby

TEAM GB – Winter Olympics [6]

Elise Chirstie – Stop crying – Its skating not sliding you cunt. A tip, if you keep getting knocked over, move.

The Snowboarding Bint complaining it was too windy and cold – What part of Winter Olympics on a Ski Mountain would not confirm that may be the case? The US had no problems getting the medals on the same day.

All of the Curling Teams – What the fuck is this you (mostly) ginger cunts?

And Claire Balding, you and the olympians recycled from 40 years ago to string this out more than it needs to be – Get off my TV you horse.

Nominated by King Cunt

I would like to nominate Team GB Winter Olympics Short Track Speed Skating for a cunting.

Every 4yrs we get one “star” for the AL-BB-CERA to fawn over, and they fall over.

4yrs ago and this year Elie Christie was the big gold favourite and yet again she spends most of her time on her arse.

The preceeding race Charlotte Gilmartin…ends up on her arse.

20yrs ago the nation was gushing over Wilf O’Reilly (who also ticked a box or two), huge favourite for gold going into each of the Olympics he attended…ends up on his arse!

Now colour me simple, colour me stupid but I would have thought lesson #1 day #1 of learning any skating discipline would be the ability to stay on your fucking feet!?!

Maybe Team GB should invest in some of those skates that have 3 blades on them that 4yr olds use to help stop them from falling over? Just a suggestion.

Nominated by Rebel Without a Cunt

‘Right-on’ cars

Snowflake cars are cunts.

We should have seen the warning to history back in the 80’s when Citroen 2CV’s appeared dressed as lady birds.

In the entire history of the automobile the ‘deux chevaux’ set the scene. A genuinely awfull mode of transport beyond basic.

Who drove this shit? In my experience it was long frock wearing right on Media Studies and Art Teachers destined to become modern parents.

No doubt Le Froggy, knowing the cars they produced were an utter pile of shite marketed them as having a personality that reflected yours, this car is really shit, I mean really really shit and you’re such a cunt you’d love to associate your self with it as it marks you out as being ‘like ya know, right on man’

So fast forward to 2018 and the modern day equivalent.

The latest trend? Let’s give the fucker a name, let’s call the cunt Adam, some cunt in Vauxhall’s marketing department got a bonus for that.

Not to be outdone, Renault respond with the Zoe, a shit name if ever there was but they’ve got previous as they brought us the Megane. Or Megan in English.

Then there’s the Cactus, ok it’s not a name as such, but who drives a car named after a hardy desert plant with a random rubber pattern adorning the flanks?

Fortunately though for the Snowflake, times moved on, todays cars are an appendage, air con is standard, as is a luxury interior but what counts most is giving the cunt a human name.

I had a mate who got a boxer dog and called it Norman, it was quirky at the time, now every cunt is giving their pets a stupid human name as it makes them stand out when they have to shout ‘Norman, come here now, bad Norman, stop trying to bum Ted’

And to cap it all you’ll never own Zoe or Adam as the Snowflake only understands the ‘never never’ instilled in them by the bank of Mum and Dad.

Nominated by CuntyMcCuntface.

Exotic pet ownership

I would like to nominate people who keep ‘Exotic’ pets.

It appears that some guy name of Dan Brandon was asphyxiated by one of his 10, yes 10 snakes he kept in his bedroom along with 12 Tarantulas. On the night in question his Mam said she heard a thud in his bedroom but just assumed he had knocked something over. By the time they found him it was too late. What’s more at the inquest the coroner concluded that the death was caused as a result of contact with the snake but that he had no reason to suspect it was because of aggression or confrontation but if anything a show of affection! Affection. Affecttion!! This is a fucking snake not a fucking kitty kat.

It appears to me that there are three cunts in this sorry tale. No1 and biggest cunt is obviously Dan who chose to keep these fucking deadly creatures in his bedroom so I don’t think he’s got much to complain about when one decides to do what it’s fucking here on Earth to do.

No2 are his Ma and Da for even contemplating the notion of letting the thick cunt bring them in to the house in the first place. What in fucks name were they thinking. Imagine living there. You’d be scared fucking shitless to open a cupboard door or even take a dump lest some slithering reptile jumps out or decides to latch on to your fucking nutsack. Fuck me!

No3 has got to be the fucking coroner. To suggest that a snake somehow is capable of showing affection makes the mind boggle. I don’t ever recall old Davey Attenborough in the jungle with a twenty foot python making it roll over while he tickled its fucking tummy or seeing a King Cobra striking out only to stop short and say ‘just kidding’. No I’m sorry. Sad as this whole affair is there is no other conclusion to be drawn except that people who keep such beasts are indeed Cunts.

Nominated by Kendo Nag