Yesterday, Good Friday, was the opening of Grantham Garden Centre and I was chatting to a customer who had gone and had a look.
“Oh it was heaving, loads better than the old place and they had that celebrity Adam Frost there too cutting the ribbon and answering questions”
I had never heard of Adam Frost. Celebrity bloody gardeners! I’d have him crying in the van by ten o’clock tea and biscuits. Turns out he is some arsehole off Gardener’s World. Not even a Titchmarsh or Ron Knee’s love rival, Monty Don. Celebrity cunts really will turn up for the opening of an envelope. Usually some ex-soap ‘star’ or 90’s kids TV presenter that hasn’t been seen for twenty fucking years,who most people thought was either dead or been hovered up in Operation Yewtree. Not famous enough for ‘I’m a Celebrity….but enough pulling power to draw a crowd of saddos.
Never anyone interesting or unpredictable though? Huw Edwards opening a youth club in Llanddewi Brefi or Harvey Price opening anything anywhere. No scissors though!
Needless to say myself or Jack the Cunter were not even considered.
Nominated by Liberal Liquidator.
Gardening is a piece of piss.
Anyone can do it.
Hardest part to do in mine was build a pagoda without stepping on my assam lawn.
Most of you probably live in high rise flats and don’t have a lovely garden like i do,
But you dont have to feel like a failure!
Carpet your flat with astro turf,
And get some window boxes.
For that authenticity get someones XL bully to take a shit on your floor.
There.
No need to ever go out again.
23
Some mad teacher spoilt the night at Donald Trumps correspondant dinner.
Turned up with knives an a shotgun.
Legged it through security
Showing that like all teachers hes a hypocrite,
(you boy! No running in the halls)
Trump described him as
“some whackjob from california”
😁
Nailed it.
Weird, but you see him run in.
Fully clothed.
Then him detained,
Handcuffed on the floor,
And hes got no shirt on?
Where did his clothes go?
16
Yet another bungled assassination attempt!
Or was it?
Most likely staged by Trump insiders, like the previous two were.
This time to garner sympathy in the wake of record-low approval ratings.
America used to be the world leader when it came to political assassinations.
Sadly that’s no longer the case.
MAGA…
Make Assassins Great Again.
15
I think the marble sculpture of yourself as Rodin’s ‘The Thinker’ was a bit much, Mis.
13
The Trump shooter reads a bit like the plot from ‘In the Line of Fire’. Not one of Clints best films and his character likes jazz, the Man with No Name would not approve.
13
How about a bunch of darkles getting a good old banjoing.
7
Let’s think of all the plebs suitable for this job and invite them simultaneously without them knowing to this one event. Then blow it up.
4
It’s all pretty uninspiring, the reopening of a garden centre.
Hardly caesars palace.
Then again the people who go to things like that, will also stand at the side of a road for twelve hours, for a glimpse of that jug eared cunt Charlie and his fucking offspring..
Still we will need a big name for the opening of the new guillotine at parliament square, for the execution of the quislings.
Im thinking Danny dyer..
29
Lord Hermer first, please, for being him.
2
Ricky Tomlinson opened a park event over the road from my mum and dad.
Friendly, willing to mix,
Not up his own arse.
Everyone liked him
Did his PR profile good.
A politician wouldnt be able to do it i don’t think.
Although on the same park Tommy Robinson did a meeting and that went okay.
But doubt Darren Jones or Ed Davie would get away with it.
22
I used to live near Malcolm Tierney. Tommy McCardle in Brookside. He was a nice bloke, and not up his own arse.
However, one thing used to get on his nerves. Mal was in the original 1977 Star Wars (he also had a speaking role in it). And, Star Wars fans can be very sad and mithering bastards, their fanaticism bordering on lunacy. Even in Whitefield, he wasn’t safe from the odd Star Wars super nerd.
6
When did gardeners become celebrities?
Why doesn’t Radio 4 have a Plumbers Question Time or Toilet Cleaners’ World?
If they’re all slebs now, shall we have a return of Superstars with gardeners competing against each other?
11
Top idea Maggie.
Call it “The Ace of Spades”
And they win a gold welly.
These greenhouse malingerers move up a league table,
Points given for pruning, composting,
Potting etc.
I think they only want fame for the hoes.
7
And meeting other celebs…Kate Bush, Guns N’ Roses and Green Day.
4
Shed seven
Fjork
Pulp
Hothouse flowers
3
Never got why lads fancied that Charlie Dimmock back in the day. Just did not fathom it at all.
Same goes for that Anna Ryder Richardson off Changing Rooms.
She looked like he has been coated in Ronseal.
4
I think, Norman, it was the red blooded male thing with the bra less tittles bouncing around under her jumper on gardening programmes during the day, that got the young blood pumping besides their cocks.
1
Bryan Jacks attacking Titschscmarsh at the 200 yard Hyacinth dash.
3
You dont?
Because Charlie Dogmuck was a piss pot and liked to get rattled,
Had big tits,
And i surmise
A big angry wet red clopper like a dropped kebab.
And Anne Ryder richards seemed a bit flirty and had perky tits.
Id of covered her in my wallpaper paste back in the 90s.
6