A good friend of mine has asked me if I wouldn’t mind child minding his 12 year old daughter tonight, as he and his wife want to spend some “quality time” in Lake Windermere just down the road from here.

My wife and I have done baby-sitting and child-minding in the past (over 10 years ago), and never had any problems apart from screaming babies and hungry preteens.

Of course back then social media was in its relative infancy in terms of risk assessments and the paranoia of “strangers” looking after someone else’s child.

Fast forward 10 years, and I have to say I am extremely nervous at the prospect of looking after a precocious 12 year old (I didn’t like the idea but my wife insisted. End of conversation!)

She’s a nice kid as far as I can tell based on the few occasions I’ve seen her. And like most Gen Zs, she’s glued to her phone/tablet. So it shouldn’t be difficult to keep her occupied until tomorrow morning when her parents pick her up.

However, I’ve told my wife that I want her in the same room as me and the kid at all times. I am so paranoid that the kid might say or do something out of spite if I say “no” to something she wants.

It’s all too easy for friends on social media to say “If he doesn’t let you watch TV, or order a takeaway, just say “I saw you looking up my skirt or sniffing my underwear, you peter file!” And all of a sudden my world turns to shit!

I’m not a parent: we don’t have kids. But I guess the same pressures/threats must exist for moms and dads with pushy kids wanting everything their way or else they’ll label you a Peter File!

I don’t even dare giving her a hug or attempt to hold her hand should we go out for a stroll (with my wife in tow) for of it been construed as a form of child abuse!

I know parents leaving their kids with friends is always a worrying time, but by the same token we too are equally concerned about being accused of something we didn’t do. Who will the parent believe: their darling daughter or just a friendly couple?

Nominated by: Technocunt

I do apologise for the image, but you should have seen the other ones. Seriously.

Marks and Spencer are promoting George Floyd inspired underwear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTzPAIblUwo

Alex’s rant above says it all really. You wonder whether they will pass on any profit from this to BLM, or to Floyd’s family, who are already $27 million richer.

The next step would be to sell George Floyd inspired blouses, complete with gun muzzle imprint on the belly section.

Nominated by: Mystic Maven

Seriously don’t google search for the other images of this line, it’s like anti-viagra. I’d make a ‘Their pants can’t breathe’ joke but that’s just lazy.  – DA

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/ms-adds-more-skin-tone-24376384

On every team shirt of every footballer in the Euros there is a badge with the word ‘Respect’. Let’s see how these overpaid cunts show their respect.

They disrespect the majority of their supporters by getting down on one knee before each game.

They disrespect the rules of fair play by deliberately fouling the opposition.

They throw themselves to the ground in simulated agony in an attempt to have an opposing player booked or sent off.

They disrespect the opposition with their childish and over enthusiastic goal celebrations.

The disrespect the officials by arguing against every decision.

But it’s not just footballing cunts that have no idea what the word respect means.

Young people get very upset and sometimes violent if they feel that they are not being shown sufficient ‘respeck’. You is dissing them innit.

Well cunty, you are a semi literate twenty year old still living with your mum.
You are unemployable and have no money. Your haircut looks ridiculous.
Your life experience amounts to half a percent of fuck all. So excuse me if I don’t fucking respect you.

There was a time when old people deserved respect. But now there are fewer and fewer around that had to endure the horrors of war. They have been replaced with old people who have moved on from a lifetime on benefits to receiving a state pension, having never worked a day in their lives.

Respect other people’s religion. To me all religions are a mixture of childish superstitions and rituals. The people that practice these things are narrow minded, deluded bigots. So I have no respect for them either.

People talk about ‘mutual respect’. I have no idea how that works. If I were to achieve something outstanding and someone respected me for it, am I to respect them in return? For what?

Respect is a concept that is thrown around like confetti at a wedding.

If you want my respect you have to earn it.

Nominated by: The Artful Cunter

Bruce Springsteen is a cunt, isn’t he.

Have you had the Oxford vaccine? What, both of them? It doesn’t matter, you are barred from watching this multi-millionaire socialist still singing about the “working man.”

The NHS has stated the AstraZeneca vaccine is ‘safe and tested and will protect you against serious illness from Covid-19’. Not for this sweating rocker with bleached teeth. The AstraZeneca vaccine isn’t decent enough for his concerts.

Perhaps this old hypocrite should concentrate on hobnobbing with Barack O’bomber or making shiploads of dosh from appearing in Wrangler Jeep adverts. I’m sure he’ll keep singing about capitalism and Reagan’s trickledown economics though like he’s gargling barbed wire.

? Cunts like us, baby we were born to run.

Vaccine Discrimination

Nominated by: Captain Magnanimous

Seconded by: Miserable Northern cunt

Capt Maggie permitting,

Id like to second this nom.
Ive always hated Bryce Springsteen.
His music alone is enough to trigger my inner and outer nazi.
Just weary meandering shite.
But his faux Woody Guthrie,
Blue collar working man bullshit sends me full Pol Pot.
Hes a fake cunt!
Never grafted in his life!
Whats in your lunch pail Bruce?
Fuckin Caviar?!
You poseur cunt.
Only song he ever wrote was any good was ‘Because the night’
And that was only good because Patti Smith did it.
Bruce had done it, itd be unlistenable.
Take the bandana from your back pocket and garrot yourself you champagne socialist twat.

Thirded by: Cunty Gordon

Used to love him, but he has became a colossal bellend in recent years. He was recently nabbed for drunk driving his motorbike but he basically got let off being New Jersey/New York/USA Royalty. Any other peasant would have been in the dungeon.

Americans on the left and right love The Boss despite him being as far left as you can get so why the Republicans and moderates listen to his empty rhetoric is beyond me. Aren’t rebels, ie. rock stars supposed to hate politics and politicians? In the 70s, 80s they did. They never even cosied up to Bill “Suck my dick” Clinton the sax player in the 90s. But when Obama came along the dick sucking was unreal. I’m a Dylan fan and seeing Bath House Barry give the Weirdest Guy in Showbiz the Medal of Freedom, I was like… huh? Bob looked like he usually looked, of course, his “this means nothing” face! The original troll. Obama gave other sycophantic bellends medals but I must have erased them from my memory. Gloria Estefan? James Taylor? Stevie Wonder? Robert De Niro got one, he’s a sexual degenerate.

I’m starting a nom for “Heads of State are Cunts”. At this point it’s obvious that all of them are in the “big” countries, not just some or half of them, it’s 100%.

It was Mrs B’s birthday last month, her birthday wish was a “Hot composter”.
I vaguely agreed and googled them at my leisure.

A “Hot Composter” seems to be an oversized beer cooler with a thermometer and an array of consumables that make the claim of “Free compost” very dubious.

Well fuck that for a game of soldiers, some tin sheets a bit of celotex and some second hand decking, a probe thermometer and voila a home made compost bin.

Chucked in a load of grass clippings some twigs and a nice 60C for about 4 days and the fucker splutters out.

So its time to start reading up on this shit.

I need to oxygenate the fucker, I can buy sacks of half composted shit for this or….practice golf balls.

So I empty the fucking thing and reload it with compost and golf balls.
Yes 60c for about 3 days and it splutters out. Moisture content to high (” good compost should have the feel of a squeezed sponge”) use drying medium…….. what the fuck is that?

Paper shreddings! by good fortune the office decided to clear out all the received purchase orders, so after shredding apx £160,000 worth of purchase orders I had my medium. (I note that this will make invoice queries over the next two years a little difficult, but it was not my decision to shred them).

So again hook all the shit out, create a raised lower bed of mesh, mix the compost with the “Drying medium” and repack the fucker complete with little golf balls.

Now back in the day I used to have 3 piles of shit in the garden, Ready, Getting there, and in use, that was my composting system and it worked quite well, anything to chunky in Ready would be delegated to in use and lets see if it survives another 2 years.

This “Modern” scientific process is a pain in the arse, it even suggests drying out items to be composted to judge the moisture content so that I can gauge adequate drying medium.

My friends composting can be a cunt.

Nominated by: lord benny(not quite deceased, but close)