When I go to the pub, I want a few pints. I certainly don’t want to be deafened by some cunt playing that ginger motherfucker’s latest attempt to make money ( I think he’s called ed shithead ) all I want is a quiet pint and no fucking pop music, so shut up you noisy cunts.
Nominated by Jimmythespaz
I must confess to feeling a degree of sympathy of late for ‘The Peter Pan of Pop’. I mean, it must have been a laugh a minute having the scuffers raid your house on the basis of sexual abuse allegations made against you (unsubstantiated, and very likely bogus, it seems). To add to the fun, you had the Beeb avidly filming events to splash across the national news, apparently acting on a tip off from the cops at that. It sounds like the stuff that prolonged and hellish nightmares are made of, and could have been the fast track to ruin. Still, no case was ever made, and you sued the rozzers and the Beeb and won, earning apologies and a nice piece of change in the process. Fair play on that one.
I have to say however that my sympathy has entirely evaporated since learning that you’re now staging a ’60th Anniversary Tour’. What the fuck? Now it may be that some geriatric biddies will moisten the front of their incontinence pants watching you trying to gyrate your creaking hips, but I’m afraid that it’s a big fat ‘meh’ as far as the rest of us are concerned. Spare us the embarrassment, and yourself the risk to life and limb. People at our time of life need to exercise a degree of caution. If things get a bit exuberant as you wheeze out such all time greats as ‘Congratulations’ and ‘Devil Woman’, you could easily slip a disc, and that’s some serious grief, I can tell you. If things really were to go tits up, you might even do a Tommy Cooper and cark it on stage, and your selfishness would have deprived us of a ‘national treasure’.
Seriously, why are you doing it? You really can’t need the money. I heard that you’ve got a swanky pad in the West Indies or somewhere, so why not retire quietly and gracefully, put your feet up, and enjoy the sun? It’s what any other coffin dodger in your enviable position would do.
(Oh and a word in your shell like by the way. Nobody believes that your hair is really that colour).
Peter Pan? Down the pan more like, if you don’t turn it in. Stop being a fanny and get a grip.
Sir Cliff Richard is 77.
Nominated by Ron Knee
**** BREAKING NEWS! ****
You looking for comedy Cunters?
Some rubbish rag has just named Lammy……
But wait… it gets worse (is that possible?)… cos he’s dedicated said award to:
GRENFELL
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Aargh!
Nominated by Ruff Tuff Creampuff
GQ Magazine. What a bunch of cunts.
Prince Charles gets a Lifetime Achievement award for being born with a silver spoon in his mouth to the richest family in Britain, talking to trees, cheating on his wife with a slapper who looks like the back end of a horse, and generally being a jug-eared fucking cunt.
Queen Camilla? You’re having a fucking larf in’cha?
Nominated by Prince Cunt
A lightweight cunting if you please.
Roisin Conaty step forward.
She is described as a comedian. She is not funny. She makes McIntyre look cutting edge. She is on all and any panel shows where she is not funny. She was in Count Arthur Strong where she was not funny. She is outdone by Kathryn Ryan for fucks sake.
She seems to a make a living out of not being funny which is some achievement with the competition of female comedians who are piss poor but not quite as unfunny as Roisin.
So, what is her secret? Fuck knows but when I see her mug on a panel show I delete the fucker.
The cunt.
Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble
Actually not the App itself but the fucking cretins that used it then fell pregnant.
I’d not heard of this steaming pile of cunt before today but as is always the case with a slow news day, shite makes the headlines.
Apparently this app somehow follows the users ‘natural cycle’ and claims to be 99% effective.
As I was in the mood for a bit of self harming I put the TV on and on came the Al-BBCeer news at 6pm.
The report featured a proper cunt snowflake millennial who’d got pregnant after using it.
She spoke in that grating millennial way, inflections at the end of every fucking sentence, stated she suffered from depression (you don’t say – who wouldn’t after the cunt B Liar promised you everything for nothing then realised you’d been conned) but focussed on the fact she felt ‘conned’ as the advert of Facefuck stated it was 99% accurate.
The advert on Facefuck. Hold that thought…
Nominated by CuntyMcCuntface