The ‘Natural Cycles’ App.

Actually not the App itself but the fucking cretins that used it then fell pregnant.

I’d not heard of this steaming pile of cunt before today but as is always the case with a slow news day, shite makes the headlines.

Apparently this app somehow follows the users ‘natural cycle’ and claims to be 99% effective.

As I was in the mood for a bit of self harming I put the TV on and on came the Al-BBCeer news at 6pm.

The report featured a proper cunt snowflake millennial who’d got pregnant after using it.

She spoke in that grating millennial way, inflections at the end of every fucking sentence, stated she suffered from depression (you don’t say – who wouldn’t after the cunt B Liar promised you everything for nothing then realised you’d been conned) but focussed on the fact she felt ‘conned’ as the advert of Facefuck stated it was 99% accurate.

The advert on Facefuck. Hold that thought…

Nominated by CuntyMcCuntface

38 thoughts on “The ‘Natural Cycles’ App.

  1. Surely, in these matters, an application of recognised spermicide or wire coathanger would be of more use.

    Did the individual look like some morbidly obese trigglypuff ? Just wondering…

    • They do morning after coat-hangers Belinda?

      And please would Cunters desist from bringing my niece Trigglypuff into their posts!

  2. Forget apps or hippy fertility lunar cycles, any self-respecting millennial snowflake should know a sure-fire to get pregnant is to get themselves to a famine ridden African shithole in the middle of a civil war and ebola epidemic.

  3. Surely even a dumb millennial bitch knows this method, with or without the aid of technology is about as reliable as a politician’s promise or a peaceful taxi driver. Obviously in her world if the little screen says it’s safe then it must be safe. The screen never lies. Presumably she is after some compo the fucking old slag.

    • I admit to reading article in Graun other day probably from same gormless cow. She reckoned there were 125,000 women using it in UK. I now feel even more justified in being a misogynistic old bigot, given this breathtaking level of collective stupidity. These useless fucking cunts need an app to tell them to put a coat on when it’s raining. And what sort of education system do we have that churns out these fuckwits? I despair sometimes.

      • Ha, like whatshisface from the Who, honestly M’Lud, it’s for research purposes. I have a minor amateur fixation with weasel words and bullshittery, and there’s no better place. The devious, scheming, manipulative use of the language fascinates me. Fatphobia is the new one, you heard it here first,!

    • 99% safe Freddie!

      Pity they couldn’t manage that teeny-weeny extra 1%, is it not?

      • I think that’s the same 99% as used by the AL-BEEB when decrying the percentage of terrorists who are NOT foreign “peaceful” types – just misunderstood Norwegian nationals or blokes from Kent.

        And the same 99% that comes up on MickeySoft products’ task completion bar after 2 seconds while the remaining 1% takes 20 minutes to actually finish.

        Yeah that highly reliable 99%…


  4. Didn’t use this but did use one of those plastic things you jam into your mick. Following a session where Hubby asked,”That won’t make you pregnant will it”?
    He’d withdrawn and spanked on my thigh but the fuckers are known to crawl.
    Six weeks later I’m as sick as fuck. The Sonogropher points out two heartbeats.
    I thought, “Fuck my baby has two hearts”. Hubby said: “Dummy, it’s twins”.
    He strutted round for weeks like he had invented evolution while I was as sick as fuck. They’re seven now and I still look young for my age.
    Five kids. Four boys. One girl. The oldest is a 6″3 Footballer. Linesman and Guard.

      • You’re a highly disturbed transsexual Mr Cunt Engine. Or may I call you Thomasina?

        Good evening.

      • Good evening, RTC.
        Yes, ’tis true, I’m afraid. My imagination is irreperably warped and conjures up the most disturbing of images!
        Any idea what’s happened to our chum Dick Fiddler?
        Maybe…..”they’ve”… him…

      • Or maybe he and Krav have buried their differences and have gone on holiday together?
        Maybe D. Fiddler and Krav are the same person, trolling each other in a schizo fashion?! That’d be a turn up for the books!

      • Dick’s probably gone on a bender and shacked up with a local harlot . When the money’s run out and his balls are dry he’ll be back, stinking of stale Frosty Jack and cunt juice.
        Good evening.

      • @ TtCE & Cuntflap

        Thanks to you both we are at long last closing in on the terrible truth that lies behind the Dick Fiddler enigma and the awful secret hidden behind the moat surrounding Fiddler Towers.

        I am left in no doubt – as a Doctor of Psychotic Enlightenment – that Mr Dick Fiddler and Mr Kravdarth are indeed one and the same person… gender (if any) yet to be determined.

        As my good friend and mentor Mr Sherlock Holmes once said:

        “once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.”

  5. I was in two minds whether to make this a double cunting with the inclusion of good old Auntie Al-Beeb but didn’t want to loose the focus from the Über cunts that adhere to ‘Apps’ and the information contained therein like it’s a new gospel and they’re some kind of religious zealot.

    But what fucking part of 99% effective aren’t they getting??

    That said Al-Beeb are obsessed with reporting in a fashion where no one can be a victim, which is ironic as they love to give airtime to cunts like Lammy and Butler who’s raison d’etre is to promote victim hood amongst the ranks of budding architects and aspiring rap artists and hard working single mothers that have to hold down 2 low paid cleaning jobs to bring up those budding architects and rap artists, never any analysis on the elephant in the room.

    What superheated my piss about this report in particular was it was presented in a way that the ‘victim’ was conned, boo fucking hoo.

    The ‘victim’ was a cunt that would have benefited from a decent education and some rules and boundaries during childhood.

  6. Off topic but I hear there’s going to be a new spy in the next Bond film with the codename 004, in honour of West Ham

  7. She actually believed an advert on Facecunt? You know, by this point I’m not even surprised.

  8. Bloody difficult woman Mavis today:

    “We will not tolerate such barbaric attacks on our country.”

    Is that right Mavis? What the fuck are you going to do then? Light some fucking candles? Tell us not to hate our enemies? Oh no, we only do that to the enemies on our doorstep.
    Feel free to mouth off and get angry with the enemies thousands of miles away. Stupid fucking bitch.

    • There was a great bit on the news when they said the government hadn’t bothered to file any extradition papers as they were aliases and didn’t know their real names.

      • What’s the point? They fucked up and missed their target managing, through their bungling incompetence to kill a British citizen, albeit a useless junkie.
        If they were really Ruski State assassins they are already dead. Vlad doesn’t do embarrassing failure.

      • “We will not tolerate such barbaric attacks on our country.”

        Except by EU leaders and negotiators, the ECJ, The Macron and Merkel comedy duo, murderous terrorists, Donald “He said Pussy!” Trump, people chucking acid at by-standers, a quarter of the population avoiding paying tax, religious fanatics preaching hated, and illegal immigrant criminals roaming the streets.

        But APART from all those….

  9. Mavis today….slagging off the Ivans ……..”they even said I invented Novichock!” Fuck me, she’s doing satire now! Unfortunately no better than her dancing. Even the Tory arselickers could barely raise a chuckle at that one.
    This bitch is so far out of her depth I almost feel sorry for her.
    Nah…… bollocks I do …… fuck off!

  10. Must say the new bleeding pretentious John Lewis/Waitrose advert after only a couple of days is already getting on my fucking tits, as did the original Queen rendition.

  11. Saw it this pm, was wondering who might have the dosh to spunk on 5 minutes of primetime ads.
    BeardyTwat (obviously) sprang to mind.
    But then JL have a history of dodgy ads; I seem to remember some shite ones at Christmas…trampolining dogs

  12. Alright I’m back to answer questions and inference more if that makes fucking sense. Now we’re living in the States, it’s the Yank version. Only eleven players but the helmet is brutal. Hubby represented rugby proper in New Zealand though. Played for the First Fifteen and represented Otago/Lakes District. I met the canny cunt on a bender at Uni after nicking the flatmates kitty and a joint and falling in love with him. Had a lot of fun seducing his girly-friends but only one of his mates. We’re all still friends.

  13. Here’s a thought.
    Stick your mobile phone up your fanny so he can’t get his cock in and you won’t get pregnant.

    Job done. No need for the app.

  14. Which part of 99% accurate does this dozy cow not understand? “Oh no, I’m a unique and special snowflake, it could never happen to me”

    Well guess what, snowflake it has now get over it.

    Now that she is part of the 1% I wonder if the Occupy movement will start protesting outside her vagina.

  15. Can I just say that all of you members here of the fairer sex are absolute fucking diamonds.
    We dream of women like you . Why on earth do you only number a handful .
    May your shadow never grow shorter. Walk talk my heroes .

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