Today’s deserving recipient of a good cunting is Sir Keir Starmer the alleged Leader of the Opposition.
‘Opposition’ is defined as ‘a contrast or antithesis’, which you’d be forgiven for thinking would mean offering something distinct from this Government of nodding Churchill dogs. Not so for Starmer, a living tribute to ‘Brilliant Beige’ on the Dulux paint chart.
His fans simper about how he’s so ‘forensic’, which I’m sure is great if you’re swabbing Leicester’s cottage queens for Keith Vaz’s salty deposits, but less so if you actually want to know what you’re voting for.
His shadow cabinet – Starmie’s Angels – are about as satisfying as a pack of Asda Smartprice sausages, and with a depressingly similar amount of filler. Anneliese Dodds, the shadow chancellor, has Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall as her personal stylist, whilst beloved gob-on-a-stick David Lammy continues his career of blaming everything from council tax to Waitrose running out of papayas on being black. The most exciting character, and I use that word advisedly, is Deputy Leader Angela Rayner – voice sponsored by the Mersey Ferries foghorn.
Anyway, back to the man himself; he made a fairly content-free speech yesterday setting out what ‘securing the economy’ looked like. After striding on to stage and glancing lovingly to camera like something out of a Right Guard advert (‘What the world really needs right now is an antiperspirant that can handle all life throws at it’) he mumbled on about ‘family values’ and ‘getting tough on crime’. These are phrases straight from the pages of the 1987 Tory election leaflet stuffed between the cum-stained back issues of Razzle that David Cameron keeps in his Tyrolean shepherds hut.
Then of course, like all good acts, he played the old stuff. ‘We need stronger lockdown measures in the next 24 hours’. His sermons are like a box of chocolates, except you know EXACTLY what you’re going to get; pious preaching about lockdowns, bloody circuit breakers and extra restrictions. When asked by a canny journalist what measures he would actually put in place he had no idea. He just looked panicked and blurted out ‘close the nurseries’.
Starmer’s lockdown obsession, like cystitis, just keeps grumbling on. You take the antibiotics, drink buckets of cranberry juice and hope it fucks off but no, before you know it the burning sensation is back.
Journalists and other politicians need to start jumping on his glib little pronouncements and asking him what he would do and when he would do it, BEFORE any new Government policy announcements. The cunt would be straight into the Sunlit Uplands Retirement Home for Failed Labour Leaders before you could say ‘Clause 4’.
Nominated by: Gloria Stitz
Seconded by: Coolforcunts
A short, after the horse has bolted, cunting for everybody’s favourite Tony Blair impersonator, Kier Starmer!
Same theatrical hand gestures, starting his replies with “look”, with a similar insincere smile when he is interviewed. If people think Boris is bad imagine Starmer in charge. Every time I hear him he’s gleefully boasting about how he would’ve done it faster, different and better, AFTER the fact of course. He is basically a broken clock that thinks because he is right twice in 24hrs he isn’t broken, he’s had a result! He is the personification of the Harry Enfield character “ooooh you don’t wanna do it like that, you wanna do it like this”, but with a posher, effeminate and more annoying voice!
Fuck off!
Victoria Prentis MP and Fisheries Minister, who failed to read the Fisheries ( or any other ) agreement , before voting it through in Parliament. As Fisheries Minister, I would have thought that even a cursory scan was a simple requirement.
