Snooker Commentators and Presenters
If the avatar didn’t give it away, I do like me snooker (as well as happening to resemble, from the right angle, a certain Mr. O’Sullivan’). It’s not for everyone mind you; it is of course only tenuously considered as a ‘sport’, and matches can indeed be dull as fuck.
But to a man, all the ex-pro snooker commentators, presenters and comperes are cunts. A precis here on each, thereby allowing me to cunt a number of fuckers under a single nomination, like the cheating bastard I am:
John Virgo (BBC)
This stiff-necked, hunchbacked cunt should have been put to pasture when Jim Davidson went bankrupt. The champion of dull, dry, obvious statements, the cunt has now been reduced to orgasmically screeching “Where’s the cue ball going”, even as it gently bounces off the baulk cushion.
Willie Thorne (BBC)
An otherwise forgettable cunt only notable for slightly resembling John Merrick and having a bald head for his entire existence.
Rob Walker
This lanky streak of piss is the cunt who introduces the players during big tournaments, and interviews them post-match too. An over-enthusiastic cunt who resembles a cross between Bez and that scary bloke from Stereo MCs, this craggy-faced fucker’s paper-round must have been in fucking Mordor.
Peter Ebdon (BBC)
Nicknamed ‘Psycho’, there genuinely isn’t a strait-jacket tight enough for this bug-eyed autistic champion of fucking boredom. When the match on the table next to his is long done and dusted, Ebdon can be found still fucking chalking up to break off the first frame – his eternally slow play is suspected to be responsible for at least one of Ronnie’s mental breakdowns. A vegan to boot, the cunt.
Joe Johnson (Eurosport)
Legitimately makes more noise breathing into the mic than he does talking.
Colin Murray (Eurosport)
Strictly this cunt isn’t a commentator but a presenter for the bigger events, and is probably the only one on the list seriously worthy of his own nomination. This fucking cunt I believe also does Talksport and the odd BBC event which conflicts with Clare Balding’s trout fishing schedule. It’s bad enough that the cunt has an unbearable Belfast accent and Groucho cunting Marx eyebrows, but the enforced banter he foists upon his co-pundits is just excruciating to watch. As Murray uncontrollably laughs at another of his own jokes, you can just tell that Jimmy White wants to beat the fucker to death with the butt of his 2-piece maple cue.
Steve Davis (BBC)
This fucking cunt has had some kind of extended mid-life crisis for the last five years. When ‘The Nugget’ (also nicknamed ‘Interesting’, ‘Mr Snooker’ and ‘Cunt’) isn’t so far up Barry Hearn’s backside that he can literally speak the words out of Barry’s mouth, he is otherwise cultivating a bizarre personality as a DJ, promoting all kinds of experimental German industrialist turntablist wank. The fucking cunt seems to be oblivious to how ridiculous he looks and worse still, he’s showing the tell-tale early symptoms of the BBC SJW disease.
Some say Alex Higgins was unfortunate to die starving, penniless and frail. I personally think he had a lucky escape judging by how cuntish most of his peers became.
Snooker loopy? Cunt off.
Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back
Can I add Stephen Hendry who sounds as judgemental, steely, unforgiving and intolerant as a virginal Calvanistic lay preacher, with piles, forever saying “that was an unforgivable mistake” and implies nobody is as good as he is. The self important old cunt seems to forget his last professional TV match was piss-poor, full of mistakes and mis-cues. Judge not, brother Stephen, lest thee be judged thyself, but once you become shit at the sport on the BBC you just move over to commentating and studying Hazel Irvine’s tits, jammy bleeder.
Nominated by W. C. Boggs
