After-shave Toilet Attendants are cunts, aren’t they?
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➖ Al-reeet brother, after-shiirrve? No spray, no lay.
Cap’n Magnanimous: I’ve just come in to have a piss, thanks.
➖ No cologne, no go home. No Davidoff, no suck it off, ha ha!
Cap’n Magnanimous: Yes…I’ve….I’m in the middle of…
➖ No soap, no hope!
Cap’n Magnanimous: …Fuck’s sake…
➖ You need hand-towel?
Cap’n Magnanimous: I’m a bit busy, you know, having a piss.
➖ Alriiight, but you know, blud, no splash, no gash. No Armani, no poonani!
Cap’n Magnanimous: Ahh, finished. I was pissing like a racehorse…
➖ No brudda, use ma soap..
Cap’n Magnanimous: What are all these bottles of perfume here?
➖ For the ladies, freshen up; sucky on your lollipop.
Cap’n Magnanimous: You’ve got urine on your trainers.
➖ Ma job is to ‘elp you cleans your ‘ands.
Cap’n Magnanimous: It seems your job is to prevent customers reaching the sinks.
➖ No lubrication…. No penetration, aiiii!
Cap’n Magnanimous: And you guilt-trip weak-minded drunks into tipping you for it?
➖ Dey sliiide me a gold coin, bro. Have a hand towel.
Cap’n Magnanimous: For a quid? I’ll drip dry, thanks.

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Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Right, I’ve had enough of this! If English is your native tongue, then fucking speak properly! A holiday is not ‘holibobs!’ If you are going to America, then say that. Not ‘Im going America’. ‘Love you, much!’ What the actual fuck is that meant to mean! Ask, seems to have become ‘ax’! If you ever speak to me in this teenage millennial dribble, I’m going to stare at you, silently, until you realize that you are an utter, utter cunting, cunt farm!!

Nominated by Master Baiter

I’ve just been forced to sit through an episode while on anchor watch! What a bunch of simpering, self righteous, moms apple pie, wholesome, law abiding, bible thumping, forgiveness is everything, cunts! Especially the late Michael Brandon! What a cunt! I hope he’s burning in Hell with a massive hot poker up his shitter for being a shit actor. And as for the youngest daughter! Walking around with that shit eating smile on her cunting face all day long! It’s no wonder that the store keepers daughter wants to punch her face in! Fucking cunts, the lot of them!

Nominated by Master Baiter

I know he’s been done but every time I get a whiff of that cunt from the Guardian Owen Jones I just have to shout “CUNT!” It’s like a tourettes.

What a fucking petulent, entitled, professional victim fucking, not yet shaving but shouting at the cunting world, basket of freshly picked journalistic gob-shite cunt he is.

I found a fingerless glove on the bus seat last Monday. It was navy blue with sparkly silver threads running through it and a ship’s anchor on the back. I thought, that looks like the kind of fucking thing Owen Jones would wear. And I shouted “cunt!”
8.30 on the bus into town. That’s the kind of cunt he is.

Nominated by Kirklees Cunter

Ageing rockers deserve an axeman of a cunting. And by ‘axeman’ I’m thinking less guitar and more ‘Axeman of New Orleans’.

The age at which rock bands should stop could be argued through the night – some might think 30, some may argue 40 – but to see cunts carrying on beyond middle-age until they always, without exception, become macabre parodies of their former glories, is just fucking shit all round. Shit for the legacy of these greedy fuckers, and shit for the fans who are either too stupid or too blinded by the nostalgia for what the band once were to realise they are being ripped off.

How many fucking re-hashed compilation albums can the skeletal scumcunts otherwise known as Mick ‘n’ Keef possibly release before the heroin holding their bones together finally perishes? Does Gene Simmons realise that he looks like some badly made-up drag queen painted and armored up in his 60s? Does anyone ever say “I think Endless Wire is easily the best Who album”? Who in the name of fuck wants to read about Noel Gallagher moving house to get his sub-human son into a posh school? And how the fuck has Ian Brown been able to sing the lyrics ‘The past was yours but the future’s mine’ post 1994?

And talking of the Stone Roses, I will remain forever fucking bitter that like a cunt, I was caught up in the wave of hysteria for their 2012 reunion. Managing to pay a fucking fortune for Sunday tickets at their Heaton Park shows, I have never been so utterly fucking disappointed by live music in my entire life. At the best of times, Ian Brown has always sounded like a man shouting into a KFC bucket but his turn on Fool’s Gold was so bad that I’ve barely been able to listen to the original since.

Until the day when Jimmy Page strangles Robbie Williams to death with his large intestine over their endless mansion refurbishments feud, ageing rockers can firmly seal themselves into the ISAC Cunt Hall of Fame.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back