Kim Jong-unDead
I love a good conspiracy theory, you know the sort of thing. NASA faked the moon landings. Aliens crashed at Roswell. Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1966 and was replaced in The Beatles by a double. Conspiracy theories can be a great source of entertainment.
We may be in at the birth of a new conspiracy theory, namely, one concerning the fate of tinpot Mao wannabe Kim Jong-un, erstwhile Supreme Shining Light of hermit state North Korea.
Speculation seemed to start on 15th April, when The Great Hope failed to attend the birth anniversary of state founder Kim Il-sung. Since then rumours have abounded as to Kim’s condition, and a pantomine theme has developed; ‘he’s dead!’, ‘no he isn’t!’, ”yes he is!’. Reports variously allege that he sustained injuries at a failed missile test, that he’s been the victim of failed heart surgery, or that he’s in a persistent vegetative state. A former North Korean diplomat reports that Kim is alive but in a bad way, being unable ‘to stand by himself or walk properly’. However a defector named Ji Seong-ho claims that Kim is indeed dead, and that the country is grappling with ‘a complicated succession issue’. Meanwhile a photograph has been issued which purports to show The Guiding Hand alive and well, opening a chemical factory just days ago. ‘Ah’, say doubters, ‘there’s something amiss, we don’t know when this picture was actually taken…’.
So the plot thickens. Is the fat fuck still above ground, or has he actually popped his clogs, with the ultrasecretive dictatorship maintaining a facade as it tries to steel itself for the unprecedented outpourings of grief which his demise will naturally provoke?.
My own twopenn’oth on the subject (for what it’s worth) is that the twat’s probably had a dose of the old C-19, which of course doesn’t officially exist in North Korea. Unless you guys know better… has Kim been replaced by a body double to maintain the cult?. Has he been supplanted by an alien lizard?.
Anyway, Kim Jong-un alive or dead, it’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned. If he’s dead he can be carted off to China to be boiled down for glue, and make himself useful for once. If alive, he can continue to entertain us all with his bizarre and ridiculous hair styles. Alive or dead, he’s a complete cunt either way.

Nominated by Ron Knee

HOLLYOAKS

Absolute fucking stain on our society but yet the biggest example of it
The incomparable Rik Mayall once bleeted in the Young Ones “You’re about as alternative as Channel 4!”

It had the piss ripped out of it then for being shit and it’s got worse by trying to increase it’s “alternative” programming. Hollyoaks being the emperor cunt in a cuntempire.
Appalling acting, insufferable text-speak dialogue which is creeping into all soaps now (Violet Carson and Jean Alexander must be weeping blood up there watching the working class soap descend into a modern day orgy of juvenile shittery). Sublety has gone, respectful greats like Kenneth Williams would be more ashamed to come out now than he ever was during his repressed life due to the fucking smut that goes on in abhorations like this program.
It’s 90% arse invadery from the start with the whole “village” being lined with gays, transvestites and when it’s not thrusting consistant pride content at everyone, it’s chavvy girls getting ploughed before they’ve got their first bra.
Disgusting programme, but the truly terrifying thing is – this is accurate shit. This is the society we fester in and it’s a world of utter cunts.

Nominated by Stevo

Tresspassers are right self entitled cunts. Gayly clambering over gates with a sign on to fuck off yet ignoring it or making out they can’t see the footpath signs. Since the lockdown I have loads of people walking down my non-public Lane. A first world problem some will say. Yes it is but they’re still cunts.

Saw 6 people today climbing over a gate with no right of way sign. Challenged the fuckers and told them it was private land and the gobby woman said ‘since when?’

I’m going to get some barbed wire and put it on the gate. Will love to see them get over that next time. Cunts.

Nominated by Cuntologist

Our Relationship with Wild Animals

I was astonished to find myself agreeing with someone talking on the telly. He said something like-‘We are living in too close a proximity to wild animals.’. Once again the fault of Capitalism. The Capitalism that lays waste many natural habitats. So that the animals are forced into trying to survive in urban areas. There was a programme I once watched about it. Wild animals on the outskirts of a Durban I think . My point here is that who knows what medical issues could arise from more and more contact with wild animals and humans? Maybe another virus could ‘jump’ from them to us over time?
Allied -there’s a celeb news story at the moment. Joe ‘Exotic’ has said that his ex wife fed her ex husband to a tiger. Only in America as they say. They had a ‘private zoo’ together. Isn’t there something immensely shitty about a private individual being allowed to have a tiger?I dont think private individuals shoukd be allowed to keep wild animals at all. Wild animals should be er…in the wild.
I’ve got to say even though it seems harmless I don’t like people who keep snakes or lizards as pets. Couldn’t there be risks to human health because of it? Couldn’t another ‘virus’ jump that we didn’t know about?
This Coronavirus emergency is making me jumpy I expect but I just feel there could be dangers.
The Chinese. In fact all South East Asia. You know they drug little tepiles and send them by post to Australia. In the hope some will revive after the journey. I suppose the recients consider themselves ‘animal lovers’. Is it just to have something exotic?
We must respect a nation’s customs. But how in the hell did Rhino horn become such a prized aphrodisiac in China? There are no rhinos in China.
The trouble with it of course to get the horn it you have to kill the Rhino.
In my research for this (quick look on Wikipedia) I read of some South American tribe that have had their land confiscated by some capitalist endeavour. And they are now reduced to capturing baby monkeys from the jungle to sell on. Again isn’t there a risk to human health in this trade?

Nominated by Miles Plastic