Author Archives: A Cunt Who Cunts Cunts

QI

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Went from being Quite Funny to Quite Shit to a complete sack of cuntspill.

Formula is as follows:

Stephen Fry says “bum” or “bottom” or something equally brilliant.
Audience laughs.

Cuntishly unfunny knobhead panellist (Jack Whitehall, Sue Perkins etc) says something cuntishly knobheadedly unfunny.
Audience howls.

Alan Davies does a few cuntishly stupid facial manoeuvres to act out whatever the cuntishly unfunny knobhead panellist has just said.
Audience goes berserk.

Cunts. The whole bloody fucking lot of them, including the audience.

Nominated by: Galted Asas

Fourth Reich [2]

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I may be an old cunt but I have a memory like an elephant. I well remember the slow inevitability orf the decline into war. “Sleep walking into war” was the newspaper phrase that described the wraiths orf Hell that almost invisibly blinded the nations on the path to WWI. Then barely twenty years later it happened once more, heads in sand, appeasement and deceit, Hitler’s war, Germany’s second World War. I feel it in me bones, stronger now indeed than during the mendacious machinations orf the Scots Scum.

This once great nation is now faced with the prospect orf total capitulation to the krauts and frogs without having firing a shot in its defence. We have been betrayed by David Cameron and his cohort orf arse leeches, all strangely silent and bloated on the blood orf the nation in these last few days (Thursday for Christ sake) orf negotiation orf a “deal” as fake as fuck. Germany’s bully boys know that they have only to sneer “nein” at Cameron and his arse is presented ready for the taking. Cameron has already repeatedly caved in to the irish, the jockos and the the yanks and any issue from bankers to tube drivers. This cunt has previous.

Take the advice orf an old blagger and card sharper. The only way to play this hand is to bluff and bluff again. If Cameron genuinely wants a deal that is good for Britain he must campaign to come oit and we must vote to come oit. Put the cat among the pigeons just like the jockos did over their referendum vote and thus extort the best deal. A vote to come oit is the best card we can hold. If they won’t ante up then we bugger orf. Rule Britannia ect ect and check the Kruger Rands under the bed.

All me guns orn the estate are loaded and the old tosser that cleans me ditches stands ready to bomb Berlin.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

DIY

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DIY (especially painting) is a right cunt.

I fucking loathe painting, I used to get a friend to do it for mates rates all the time, now he has moved away the local ones I found all want about £150 a room minimum + the cost of the paint.
So fuck that, I now have to do it, the first hour is ok but it soon becomes more tedious than queuing in the supermarket behind a woman.

So the wife has decided the dining room needed painting, fuck knows why, it’s fine and was only done a couple of years ago in a simple white.

She eventually decided on a very light pastel gray colour, so I went and bought the paint (£48 for 10 litres) and have just spent the morning slaving my arse off putting two coats on the walls, the wife has just come home and stated she doesn’t like it as it is too fucking dark.

I nearly fucking dunked her head in the paint, the ignorant cunt and we just had a huge row because she wants me to now paint it white (the colour it fucking was before!), naturally I told her to ‘FUCK OFF’.
So it looks like another trip to to B&Q, another £50 and another 3 hours I will have to waste just to stop her fucking moaning.

So, DIY (especially painting) is a cunt, and so is Mrs Boaby.

I am now going to have some lunch, a large JD & Coke and Google ‘how to poison your wife’

Nominated by: Boaby

Wine bores

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Wine bores. They should clone Vlad the Impaler just for wine bores. One of my mates encountered a wine bore at a posh party a couple of years back. Apparently, even the host hated the twat, but apparently the host wanted to build an extension to their house, and the wine bore was on the planning committee.

He did the all the wine tasting shit that you see the likes of real experts like Jilly Goolden and Oz Clarke doing. And he was all;

‘yeeeessss….I’m getting hints of oak, cloaked in elderberry, with a hint of cinnamon”.

He then turned to my mate, who was always a straight talking bloke, and asked;

“What are you getting”?

My mate smiled at him and replied;

“Pissed”.

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

BBC 3

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The BBC is due an almighty cunting after the One Show’s shameless and shameful half hour plug tonight for the shit that was BBC3.

It was an atrocious spin revolving around the whopping lie that BBC3 was being moved and was therefore innovative in becoming the first channel to go exclusively online.

What utter horseshit. It’s shit, why else move it into some digital back passage where nobody will give a toss. What minuscule bits of interest it used to have got flushed away years ago and it became a closet for endless Top Gear repeats and a megaphone for that talentless twat Stacey Doodah ( and she’s made her accent very Albert Square for someone from Luton,perhaps that’s for the best). With luck she’ll get massacred by some Nicaraguan sniper next time she starts wandering around crack dens with no bra on, not that it has anything to support inher case.

Bye bye BBC3, nobody will notice and reports of your demise are much lauded.

Nominated by: Arsebiscuit

Posted in BBC