Christmas gift-hunting is a cunt, isn’t it.

Fear not compatriots, here is a splendid idea for the person who has everything: a timepiece containing magic spells. Ladies and Gentlecunts of IAC, I give you…The Prayer Clock.

https://www.theprayerclock.com/

It gives its incantations and superstitious warnings on the hour, every hour. Furthermore, it’s voiced by James Earl Jones. That’s right, the Sith himself. It’s the Gospel according to Darth Vader.

Not interested? Your lack of faith is disturbing. Alternatively you could purchase the audiobook of the Buy-Bull read by Jones himself. I wonder whether Grand Moff Tarquin makes an appearance.

Jesus, would you look at the time!

He was Lord and wanted his son to join him on the Dark Side to conquer the universe. Call forth the Mos Eisley disciples – Greedo, Walrus Man, Hammerhead, and Snaggletooth. No, these aren’t the Apostles you’re looking for. The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.

Nominated by : Captain Magnanimous

Happy Christmas, Cunters! – The Admin Team

We wish all the cunters a very merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year.

– The Admin Team.

Admin, a Yuletide cunting with all the trimmings please for festive ‘round robin’ letters.

It’s the time of year when, shoehorned into a Christmas Card is the obligatory letter from a neighbour or oft forgotten relative who having espoused modern technology such as facefuck or what’s crap or even an email has decided to pen a ditty to one and all…..

Basically boasting about what a year they’ve had, how well the kids have done at school, how much they contributed to charity or how many times they sat at the captains table during a cruise in Scandinavia, oh and the new Tesla is such a boon, and I’ve had another promotion at work….. and the new Ukrainian lodgers are such luvvy people…..

Personally, if I’ve not bothered to speak to neighbours or contact long lost relatives all year ( and I don’t cos I’m a cunt) then the idea of receiving one of these boastful, look at me missives at Christmas indicates I’m in the right and the sender is a cunt of truly epic proportions.

I received one early this week, from a neighbour, it’s come in handy to wipe my arse with.

Ho ho bloody ho.

Nominated by: LeonardoDiCunty

And then there’s this from Ron Knee

Christmas Cards

Yes it’s that time again; time for the annual shenanigans involving the sending and receiving of Christmas cards.

I refuse to have anything to do with it, but the wife religiously digs out the list of people she’s sending them to, then spends hours of her time choosing and writing the ‘right’ card for the ‘right’ person.

‘Who do you keep bothering with that?’ I say every time. ‘We haven’t seen some of ’em in donkey’s. Don’t want to either’. ‘It’s a way of staying in touch’ she responds, before adding the inevitable ‘miserable old bastard!’.

I just don’t get it. We usually get about seventy or so of the fuckers, which are spread about the house gathering dust until the inevitable moment arrives when they’re chucked in the bin. Mercifully, we’ve only received about thirty this year, presumably due to a combination of people economising, and the bolshy antics of the Royal Mail.

Fucking good riddance I say. What a waste of time and money. Bah humbug!

Compliments of the season to Cunters everywhere!

Jezzus H Christ on a bike, spare me from the endless round of Christmas begging. It’s bloody everywhere – on the streets, in the shops, in the post but most of all on the idiot box.

“Just give £10 to help a scrounging lazy good for nothing waster at Christmas.” Fuck. ’em. Let them eat cake. No fucker ever helped me when when I was hard up.

The other day some chuggers cunt from Help the Aged or what ever they call themselves these days came knocking on my door. I pointed at my white hair and said” Wonderful to see you. How much have you come to give me?” He went away scratching his head.

The other night I kept a tally of all the ads on Telly begging for Money. It reached – and I kid you not – £120.06. It was the one asking for just give £19.06 that got me. How very precise!

So here’s my message for all the cheritees who want my dosh this Christmas. There’s a cost of living crisis going on in case you hadn’t noticed so stop wheeling out all those crippled children, old people, homeless fuckers, disabled donkeys, mistreated dogs and all the rest of it and just fuck the fuck off…

Oh – and it looks like band aid are heading for yet another Christmas cringing number one, so here’s my version by Bland Aid that the humourless fuckers have branded unwoke and racist.

YouTube Link

Well, at least if I’m cancelled, they won’t be asking me for money…

Nominated by: Dioclese

Move over Tiny Tim, you need to make room ( and lots of it) for this downtrodden starving person.

There’s going to be plenty of hardluck sob stories in the news over the next few days / weeks / months because nothing sells better than misery in the press these days.

Oh dear, someone said hurty words / failed to use my preferred pronoun, and so on, and on……

Lancs Live News Link

But this actually made me laugh out loud. My immediate thought was, missing a few wouldn’t hurt, you absolute heifer.

Nominated by: Jeezum Priest

Seconded by: CuntyMcCuntface

Seconded.

Have you seen the size of the munter FFS.

One can only imagine her sprogs either don’t eat anything put in-front of them or are over ordering at Domino’s.

Shameless fucking oxygen thief. How can you expect anyone to take you seriously or have one ounce of sympathy when you’re weighing in at 20 stone at 5’ 2”.

Fuck off you fat fucking feckless benefits scrounger.