Asdrit Kapaj, aka ‘The Wimbledon Prowler’, has been jailed for 14 years after lifting an estimated £10 mill. in swag from around 200 houses in Wimbledon over a 10 year period.
The thieving Albanian cunt arrived in the UK in 1996 (how so many of his fellow cuntrymen get in remains a mystery to me) and was given indefinite leave to stay after falsely claiming to be a refugee from Kosovo. He subsequently began his one man crime wave seemingly to fund a gambling addiction. Kapaj originally stated upon arrest that he’d been ‘sleepwalking’ (!!) when breaking into people’s homes, but later coughed to numerous offences.
Thanks to this stinking bastard, numerous residents were afraid in their own homes. At least two householders are reported to have sold up, and several children have needed treatment due to being traumatised by repeated encroachments. A number of cleaners and childminders lost their jobs as a result of being suspected of theft.
I’m sure that cunters everywhere are as pleased as me to learn that we’ve now got to fund this shitstain’s stay at HM’s pleasure; plus, no doubt, a raft of benefits for his family. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m definitely suffering from that newly identified but extreme psychological condition dubbed ‘enrichment syndrome’, characterised principally by a deep and vicious loathing of cunts like Asdrit Kapaj.

Nominated by Ron Knee

British stand up comedy is a fucking cunt.

Having the stand up comedy bar raised exceptionally high from my early twenties, feasting on diet of American comics, the late Bill Hicks, George Carlin, and the currently existing Doug Stanhope, I find it tragic and infuriating that the United Kingdom has failed to produce anything of a similar standard, or even half as good.

Instead, the UK’s so-called comedians include the likes of:

Michael Mcintyre (fat, high-pitched, banal, “I live in Muswell Hill” unfunny cunt)

Russell Howard (Boggle, cross-eyed, void of any substance or weight in comedic material, catering for the moronic masses, unfunny cunt)

Dara O’Briain (fat, potato-scoffing, annoying-as-fuck, lefty, unfunny, Paddy cunt)

Eddie Izzard (Cross-dressing, gender-fluid, lefty, self-important, “activist” and probably calls him self an anarchist, unfunny, tranny cunt)

Plus the various smatterings of…

A black comedian – talks about being black for the entire duration of his / her routine.

An Asian comedian – talks about being Asian for the entire duration of his / her routine.

Any woman comedian – talks about cake, periods and how all men are bastards (especially that fat, lefty unfunny cunt, Jo Brand) for the entire duration of the routine.

A poof comedian – minces around talking about being a shit-stabber for the entire duration of his routine.

Instead of quality material and individuality, we are left with a coven of politically-correct, non-offensive, BBC / Channel 4 moulded, loathsome joke-blowing, mediocre cretins, armed with their unoriginal, unexceptional monologues and the all-important get-out-of-jail-free, if all else fails, Trump. Brexit, Farage lifejacket jokes, catering for the remoaners, left-wing faggots, simpletons and dullards.
In a nutshell, anyone who watches ‘At The Apollo’ or stand up on Comedy Central.

Even the one guy who everyone thought was too outrageous, Frankie Boyle, morphed into a fucking Guardian column-writing, towel-head-apologist twat. He was shit, anyway, shock value with no substance, with material straight from Sikipedia.

If there is an aspiring home-grown bedroom comic who isn’t afraid to offend, to tell the truth and to make people think as well as laugh, please, step forward and grab the spotlight with both hands. You’ll probably be destined for a career in small venues and Youtube, as the mainstream networks censors anything that doesn’t fit their narrative, but at least, give it a go.

Nominated by Lord Cuntony

Change UK
It appears that breakaway party Change UK, sometime political home of such all out cunts as Spearchuka Umunna and Anna Sourpuss, is on the verge of becoming the Breakup Party.
Six rats, sorry MPs, have announced that they’re deserting the sinking ship after just a couple of months. According to reports in arsewipe comic The Groaningremoaniad, Chukup and Heidi ‘Sweet Tits’ Allen could defect to the LimpDumbs following Change UK’s disastrous performance in the European elections. No doubt they’ll receive a warm welcome from that old woman Vince ‘Widow Twankey’ Cable. It now seems that a rump of just five MPs will continue as party members under the ‘leadership’ (lol!) of Sourface herself, henceforth to be known no doubt as ‘Change Change UK’, or possibly ‘The Hokey Cokey Party’.
However way you cut this fellow cunters, I’d say that political oblivion is staring the wankstain Change UK party in the face. The prospect cheers me up no end. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of absolute and utter cunts.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Phillip Hammond is a cunt, isn’t he.

As the sands of time trickle out for this decrepit skeletal coward, there is one last chance to wheeze out a final blast of Project Fear before the pusillanimous cunt is booted out of his job. The sour odour farted from his mouth this time was that if no deal…..UK….blah…..26 billion….blah blah quid worse off…blah….disaster…. an amount probably cobbled together in the lift with the EU-funded CBI and Olly “I ❤ EU cock” Robbins, the parrot-faced traitorous cunt.

Old Bonejangles always had a sleepy countenance as he slumbered on the front bench while his boss, Zelda the Hunchback promised we’d be leaving/Brexit decision respected/other lies.

Make no bones about it, this humourless goon’s fear-mongering was a grave mistake; only the stupid; believed the lyrics of those lullabies.
‘No backbone Hammond’ always reminded me of the culprit in Scooby -Doo after they capture a bogeyman and unmask him.

Fred/Daphne/the Lesbo: “Let’s see who was pretending to be a financial expert and espousing all this Project Fear nonsense all along. (rips off mask) PHILLIP HAMMOND!

Hammond: And I would’ve got away with it too if it wasn’t for you pesky Brexiteers!

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Recruitment consultants are cunts.

All strut around in their suits, posing for photos with ‘their candidates,’ and generally spouting nonsense about the sector they claim to work in.
Now I’m not one to blow my own trumpet but I consider my profession to be a valuable one, I worked hard for my degree and job as do most others.
But what exactly do these cunts do that require years at university or life experience? Can you do a masters in cold calling now?
As far as I can tell, all these jumped up shits do is call people out of the blue, bullshit them into leaving their cosy job, pass on a CV or two, then collect a nice fat commission off the lazy, incompetent and clueless employer they are working for. I don’t have an issue with the nature of the job or the lack of skills require to perform it. If there’s a market for it, exploit it. But I do take umbrage at the tendency of these people to be self important, jumped up little fuckers who act way above their station pretending to be specialists, when they specialise in FUCK ALL.

You’re a glorified messenger boy pal….now get back in your box you cunt!

Nominated by The Ghost of Glauber Berti