A cunting for that perennial type of misfit, the Goth Edgelord.

On the whole, I’ve found the goth/emo types alright and get on with them to some degree, but it’s that certain bloke you may have encountered that make me cringe when I see/hear what they get up to.

He is usually a he, although there are some female versions:

He has long black hair, a goatee or Van Dyke beard.
He listens to Linkin Park/Angsty teen shit, the Matrix soundtrack or ‘Epic Genre music’ while walking to the garage to buy bread and milk for his Mum, or taking the bus into town where he will smite his ‘foes’ in Magic; the Gathering tournaments.
He photoshops his social media photos to give his eyes a tinge of ‘Sith lord’ yellow.
He bullies ten-year olds in online gaming chats.
He tells his online foes they will know the meaning of pain, and that he IS a trained assassin. He sends people death threats if they beat him at a game.
He is a big fan of Neil Gaiman and Alan Moore and will mock you for not knowing their work.
He is a nihilist and anti-theist and is eager to tell you about it and how he usually wins arguments.
He may be 15 or 45, but always has the same jaded, superior manner, wears all- black and Dr Martens. There is usually a skull/chain motif in clothing, jewellery.
He likes vampires, anti-heroes, or any character that could be described as brooding, often to a ridiculous degree.
Attends steampunk conventions.
He is always a ‘dark elf rogue’ in any tabletop or role play game.
He drinks heavily sweetened black coffee in coffee shops, nips next door to stalk the sci-fi fantasy sections of Waterstones, and never goes into the pub for a pint.
If invited to a BBQ will not bring any food or drink, but sit in a chair, play on his phone all evening then scoff down burgers while declaring he is part wolf and all the meat is a bit ‘too cooked’ (rather than overcooked) for him but ‘will suffice’. Leaves without a thankyou.

The funniest part is he takes himself incredibly seriously and is at heart, a complete snowflake cunt.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime

John Oliver is a cunt, isn’t he?

Why does this little pimple keep popping up on my Youchoob recommendations like an unwanted weed?

How embarrassing that such a spindly, little prick is the voice and image of the UK for much of America? Constantly squirming at our country and eye-rollingly carping about our decision to leave the bloody EU whilst living in a different continent. His gangly guffaws and thin voice make him seem like the weak-link runt of the Mr.Bean family who inherited everything but the humour.

Why has he been given so much air time if he’s only as entertaining as a Philip Hammond lecture on paper clips? His whole act seems to be just scoffing and sneering like a spoilt child.

As comedic as an unflushed toilet.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

When I tell you that a child rapist operated as part of a gang in the Midlands and received 22 years prison time, you won’t need me to go into too much detail to have a fair idea of this rapist’s profile. The parole board is planning to release this cunt in November, just five fucking years into his sentence.

I don’t want to say too much because most of my noms go straight in the bin, so I’ll just add that words cannot express my anger and disgust and cannot include what I’d like to do the rapist, or even the people responsible for putting him back onto the street, living freely among his victims.

Ringleader of child sex gang to be released from prison 17 years early

Nominated by ShagawotZ

Emergency Nomination for all Politicians, Journalists, and other feckers who use either of the terms “Put the vote back to the people” or “Let the people decide”.

It makes my blood boil every time I hear the phrase “the people” as it conjures up images of the great unwashed, tent feckers from extinction rebellion, or some sort of zombie episode of chavs/mongs/window lickers and their like, craning towards the imaginary ballot boxes as they, “the people” decide what the feck happens next….

Granted, if Churchill rolled over in his grave and came back with a cigar in his mouth, bowler hat on his head and held a v sign to say “I am going to sort this Brexit shit out for the people” and then gave a rousing speech then I would get it….. but in non Churchillian times when we have the likes of arse biscuiteers like Owen Jones, Flabbott, Jared O`Mara, and Jo Swinson, who looks like a mash up of a public school head girl and Claire Balding playing soggy biscuit near the the rugger field/horsey stables, warbling on about putting the vote to “the people” and “the people” will decide, it makes me want to take them all up to “the people’s dam” in Derbyshire so that it can burst its barriers and wash them all away.

CUNTS!!!

Nominated by Raiders of the Lost Cunt

A cunting please for this little spying sales machine.

Alexa is a spying machine that is there primarily to sell you shit from Amazon. Who in their right mind wants an Alexa? Morons, that’s who and there’s plenty of them.

I really cannot imagine having this little jerk in my house and asking ‘Alexa, what’s the weather forecast today?’ FFS I just look out my window, its far more reliable than BBC Weather or this Alexa gadget.

And although I do buy things from Amazon, I usually have to plough through about 100 products to find something that looks the least shit and is reasonably priced. Imagine, leaving all that thought to Alexa and letting it have free reign. ‘Can I order that for you?’ You say yes and then something that was made in China turns up or too many things made in China turn up or its nothing like the thing you had in mind turns up!!!

Amazon can sod off.

Nominated by Cuntologist