I am very much a social drinker these days, quite happy drinking the odd pint of San Miguel down the local boozer, or if I’m being a tight-fisted old cunt, drinking from home.

However, Christmas is approaching, and am already ordering a shitload of groceries from Asda online, including their special offers of 3 x 10 cans of Stella for £21.

Compared to my irresponsible youth of some forty years ago, when I used to buy a 24-pack of Breaker, or Skol, or Colt 45, for £10 and end up getting pissed out of my face three hours later, I would like to think I am a more experienced, sober drinker these days, yet come Christmas and all that festive spirit bollocks, I cannot help myself but to crack open the cans and enjoy a good old fashioned piss up!

But the thing about beer is how it suddenly fucks up your sensibilities, and all of a sudden you think the likes of Jess Phillips and/or Jo Swinson are remotely sexy!

Moreover, the more you drink, the more bollocks comes out of your mouth to the point where you’re opening yourself up to all sorts of allegations, especially when you confess to sniffing the bicycle seat of your female French tutor during your days at comprehensive school!

Beer has a lot to answer for, especially with its ability of fucking up one’s mind and turning horrible bloaters into sex objects (although to be fair I still haven’t drunk enough to find Diane Abbott remotely fetching!)

You will no doubt be surprised to know I am writing this bollocks after consuming five pints of San Miguel (largely in celebration of winning a nice little contract supporting the local library with their IT kit!) Therefore, I will probably regret this nomination come the morning. I just hope I haven’t mentioned anything regarding sex sessions with a sweaty Diane Abbott in a g-string!

Cheers!

Nominated by Technocunt

Entitled Chavvy Cunts…..

https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/damp-council-flat-south-shields-17281089

This particular Lovely has the lot, bar a special-needs baby (Give it time and a turkey-baster). Expects her arse to be decked with diamonds despite never contributing, and never will, a penny. Too fucking feckless to keep an appointment to let the Council fix the “problems” and certainly too fucking lazy to even wipe the mould off the walls herself. She has, of course, mental-issues, physical issues, lezzbianism and an unfortunate kitten (the RSPCA should remove it) so no doubt everyone’ll have to pander to the benefit-sponging Waster.

People like this seem to forget that someone else has to pay for every moment of their vacuous existence. They should show some self-reliance and gratitude instead of just wailing that everyone else should support them.

Fuck her.

Nominated by Dick de Pfeffel Foxchaser-Fiddler

Having perused the list of cunts, I’m staggered this cunt doesn’t appear.

He’s like that cunt “Chappers” – anywhere and everywhere, any two bob sport will do.

The main issues I have with him are, as follows:

1. He’s a cunt.
2. He comes from a kids TV background and suddenly gets thrust into some main sports presenting roles – on what basis? My dead cunt of a Grandma knows more about BDSM than Humphrey does about sport – and she wouldn’t even know what the fuck it fucking meant, other than being a good effort at Scrabble.
3. Your name’s Jacob mate, not Jake.
4. He pontificates on Twatter like he DOES know something about sport. Jacob, you cunt…you don’t.

Also…he just looks like a cunt, the classic face I want to cave in with a fuck-off snow shovel.

So, I present to you, Jake Humphrey – turbo cunt.

Nominated by GeneralZod

Emojis…

Fucking little symbols tacked on the end of posts. I’d have thought that the English language contained enough words to get your point across, without having to revert to fucking hieroglyphics.

Besides, I can hardly make out what the fuck they’re meant to be half the time.

? ?

Are there ones for ‘Tally-Ho’ and ‘Fuck Off’? ??

I might use them occasionally.

Nominated by Dick de Pfeffel Foxchaser-Fiddler

Let’s wave our Social Justice Warrior flag please, for an oh-so-gentle cunting for the new “Baby of the House” (Parliament that is) for this young lady – a real Identikit toddler in the big naughty world.

Nadia really ticks all the boxes – mixed race, single parent upbringing, been looking for minimum wage work, a real working class hero, a nice little girl who became active in politics six years ago (at 16) because of the bedroom tax, who plans to give some of her wages to local good causes – and she thinks that “Strike Funds” constitute a good cause.

Little Nadia believes it wasn’t being left wing that caused Steptoe’s problems – it was, of course, Brexit. This fountain of youth, this old head on young shoulders (is she not fragrant? Like fuck she is, you can almost smell the shit on her knickers) believes they have “many” MPs who would make good leaders – though I suspect she would prefer Rebecca Wrong-Daily to Dame Keir, and perhaps wouldn’t mind Big Dick (Burgeon) on the dream ticket. We don’t know, because she hasn’t vouchsafed that information. What a pity.

What can a fucking wet behind the ears, SJW of 23 contribute to Parliament and her party? Fuck all. She will just be another little piss and wind cutie.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs