A preemptive cunting for the Corona virus do gooders. Not the hoards of people who will do good deeds in the background. No, this cunting is for the Millennial cunts who will see this episode as a chance to get their stupid faces on TV and social meedyah. So, prepare for earnest young men with beards and squeaky-voiced posh girls telling us of their daring goodness, because they set up a Whatscunt group.

Guess what, you cunts? The lonely old lady that you never noticed because you never look up from your smartphone will continue to be lonely, because she doesn’t have a smartphone, let alone a Whatscunt account.

So Millenial cunts, stay out of our faces and quietly go about doing good in your neighbourhood – knocking on doors and getting to know that old dear or veteran whom you’ve never noticed. And it’ll be hard because you’ll have to learn knew skills – selflessness, conversation and making eye contact. But you’ll not be heroes. It’s called being a good person.

Finally, as much as we slag off the mud slime community, they’ll be good at this self-help. Not just because they’re close knit and insular, but because the local Inman always has a copy of the Electoral Register….

Nominated by Sgt Maj Cunt

‘Spitting Image’ is a cunt…

The satirical puppet show is to be resurrected on Britbox… Great in its day, but does anyone seriously believe it will be as sharp and as vicious this time round?

As it is on the dreaded Britbox, will it be left leaning sanitised shite like everything else that’s on it? It will only be a matter of time before some wokeflake cunts take offence at a puppet of Saint Greta, or cry ‘racist’ as Stormzy makes an appearance, and I bet Meghan Markle Fucking Ono gets the kid gloves treatment. I suspect it will be Brexit, Boris, Big Don and not much else.

And you can bet your bollocks that the religion of peace will be left well alone. If it isn’t going to be the ‘nobody’s safe and nothing is sacred’ Spitting Image of old, then what is the fucking point?

Nominated by Norman

As from April, the NHS can refuse to treat anyone who they consider to have made a racist, homophobic or sexist remark:

https://news.sky.com/story/nhs-staff-can-refuse-to-treat-racist-or-sexist-patients-under-new-rules-11937175

So if you voted Leave, better not let on, cos it’s a known fact that the 17.4 million potential patients who voted Leave are racists.

If your children have a pet gerbil, best keep it under your hat.

And whatever you do, don’t call the female staff “love” (or something equally offensive), otherwise you’ll find yourself out in the Hospital car park before you can say “Bernard Manning!”

Nominated by Ruff Tuff Creampuff

‘Living my best life’ is a cunt’s catchphrase and so is ‘adulting’.

All of us only have one life (unless anyone is identifying as a cat now,) so there isn’t really such a thing as your ‘best life’. You have shit days and better days. End of.

‘Adulting’ – in other words just behaving like a fucking grown up, which is what you should be doing anyway if you’re over 18, rather than jacking off over the ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ film, you soft cunts.

Nominated by Harold Steptoe

Dame Hilary Mantel is a cunt.

In a new interview, the Booker Prize-winning author says the Duchess of Sussex was “too good to be true” and subjected to “abominable racism”.

“I think that Meghan was too good to be true. She was a smiling face in a dull institution, she cheered the nation up no end, or at least men and women of goodwill,” Mantel told ‘Harper’s Bazaar’.

“I do think abominable racism has been involved. People who say that’s got nothing to do with it – well, they need to check their privilege!’”

Well I think Dame Hilary Mental needs to check her medication and her Tena Pad. Silly, fucking ‘woke’, chipmunk-faced old cunt. Are there really people as gullible and idiotic out there?

Nominated by Paul Maskinback

Hilary Mantel is a cunt, isn’t she? Who’s this miserable, moon-faced bint? How is she a cunt and why, why, why does she resemble Jabba the Hut’s beanbag?

Well, she’s an author….Riiight.

The author of the ‘Wolf Hall’ books….Riiight

Oh, and she has said that racism is a factor in the criticism levelled at Meghan Markle.
Well, slap me on my codpiece. She must have a new novel out.

The novelist suggested that many people do not realise the extent of their own racial biases and how it has had an impact on their treatment of the Duchess. “Racism is a factor,” Mantel told the BBC, completely without smirking. “I think it’s more deeply embedded in people’s consciousness than any of us are willing to admit”. She continued to blither, “Meghan was too good to be true. She was a smiling face in a dull institution.”

Why are you so concerned about smiling, buttercup? You’ve got a grin like a coffin lid.

“Call me Harry” and the other parasite are to step down from their roles as senior royal panhandlers at the end of March to start a new leeching life mooching nearer to Hollywood. Oh, and yes….the author is about to publish the final part of her trilogy of works devoted to the life of Thomas Cromwell.

As Thomas Cromwell might have said to Mantel, “Thou hast a vulgar tongue and ye have twisted God’s sacred gift. Ye also have a face like Jabba the Hut’s scrotum. Now fuck off you horrible cunt”.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous