I want to Cunt my own Father……I thought this would be difficult, but looking back on my shit upbringing, words spilled off the quill in quick tommy gun succession.

One of my first memories of the braindead lout was when he drilled a hole through my tortoise (at my request). TV’s Blue Peter had done it with theirs, demonstrating how to tether a pet tortoise to the front lawn with twine by drilling a very small hole in the corner of its shell with a hand drill. Thus, allowing the creature freedom to move, but not to fuck off.

As soon as the electric wood drill bit came in to contact with the shell, the tortoise shot up the shaft legs akimbo. ‘Tommy’ died a painful and unnecessary death. “Volenti non fit iniuria” to he who is willing, there can be no injury!

If this wasn’t bad enough – in a display of abject cuntery, Mongoman hollowed out the tortoise (mentioning something about turtle soup, in a futile attempt to lighten the somewhat sombre mood in the house) and patched the hole with glass fibre and resin for the exotic ashtray that adorned our living room coffee table until he quit smoking in 1982.

In 1983 Neanderthal man filled ‘Tommy’ with concrete to create an ‘envy of the street ‘exotic door stop. This guy was so versatile.

On another occasion whilst not enjoying a caravan holiday in Scarborough I heard the familiar ‘slap’ and low gruff voice say “come on then love…lets have a bit of fun”. In the safe cloak of midnight blackness and, as the caravan rocked in an aggressive thrusting motion, I remember to this day the amorous exchange between the two lovers: –

Cunt: “say its big!….say I’ve got a big en!”
Mum: “Oh Arthur, no”
Cunt: “SAY IT!”
Mum: “Its big Arthur!”
Cunt: “Say you want me to blast it on your tits!”
Mum: “No Arthur – that’s crass”
Cunt: “SAY IT!”
Mum: “Blast it on my chest Arthur”
Cunt: “Arrgghh!! Say there’s loads of it! SAY IT!”

You get the idea….
I then reflect on my own cuntish mannerisms. How I treat women. My distain for effnicks, my lack of filters in social gatherings, the fact I actively seek to offend and upset people for my own trivial amusement.

A few years ago, I squatted naked, with a Fiskars Axe, in a green wheelie bin by my front door. It was October and I waited in the darkness for ‘Halloweener’s’. As soon as any of the little twats with their insufferable 4×4, soya latte drinking ‘Pippa made us a Halloween card at school’ wanky mums and dads came near my doorbell I lept out and scared the shite out of cunts. I hate Halloween! That weekend in the local boozer some of the dads mentioned it was all a bit too much. Bit too scary for the six and seven year olds. I replied with “Good – I hardly sacrificed a tortoise did I?” before going on to detail the features and benefits of a Fiskars Axe. A few mums collared me to say they though it all very amusing which was code for arousing methinks. Any way I blame you pater – thanks for ruining my intellectual, emotional and social formative years. CUNT!

Nominated by DAd Wud

Ian Blackford is a fucking cunt. Cuntford is on Sly News at the mo banging on about a two tear extension to Brexit because of Covid-19. What a fucking cunt! I’ll give you an extension, you fucking fat haggis-munching mother fucker. I’ll extend your cock 22 miles across the fucking channel, Mr fucking Freedom, so that you can be sucked off by your new European lords. Did I mention he’s a cunt? The fucking cunt.

Nominated by Dark key cunt

The Chinese Communist Party (Yes, you, you evil motherfuckers, I know you’re watching. Get back to your fucking bat soup) deserve a serious, weapons grade cunting. Not content with trying to wipe out as much of the world’s population as possible, they’ve recently taking to threatening sovereign nations with sanctions if they dare to start an investigation into their pathetic of the Kung Flu. First they told Canada there would be “serious consequence” if they started an investigation and now their threatening Australia.

In an interview in the Australian Financial Review, the Chinese Ambassador to Australia “refused to accept that the virus had started in a Wuhan wet market”. He also called Australia’s push for an inquiry into it “dangerous”, and claimed that “the Chinese public is frustrated, dismayed and disappointed with what Australia is doing now”. The Communist ambassador went on to threaten consumer boycotts and less tourism for Australia.

First of all, I seriously doubt that most of the Chinese public gives a fuck about what Australia doing. Second, I’m pretty sure that most Australians won’t give a fuck about fewer Chinese tourists visiting Australia. I have first hand experience of Chinese tourists during my early days in the army, when I was based in London and helped to guard royal buildings such as Kensington palace. They are scum. They are rude, entitled, arrogant and firmly believe that the fact they have chosen to grace a particular country with their presence means they own certain people, like British army soldiers.Trust me, the world will not lose out on Chinese tourists choosing to boycott countries.

The US and UK are also carrying out investigations, but to my knowledge they have either ignored the threats or told the CCP where to shove them. The EU very courageously bowed to pressure from the CCP and heavily edited a report they recently published into China’s handling of this crisis.

Changes are coming. When this crisis has passed, nations all over the world will be taking a long, hard look at our relationship with China. Some will take action, some won’t. The US are already looking at bringing back some of the manufacturing they outsourced to China. And Japan are offering money to the many big businesses who have factories in China to bring that work back to Japan. Of course, China are already simultaneously trying to play the victim card and flexing their military muscle. Unfortunately for them, while they may have the world’s largest army, the world’s largest air force is the United States Air Force. The world’s second largest air force belongs to the United States Navy.

And here’s a simple question. If the CCP is so firm in its belief that its handling of the Kung Flu was unimpeachable, why are they so afraid of being investigated?

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

An arty-farty cunting, if you please, for…

Becca Brown, 35, from Portsmouth, who has stockpiled £2,500- (even going £700- into debt) of NHS-appropriate PPE. Not entirely for her own use, and I didn’t hear any mention if numerous sperm-of-satan kids hanging off her undoubtedly unsworthy tits.
“It’s a lot of money, but worth it for the sense of control it gives me.”

But the best ??

“It’s not just for me, it’s for my (roll of drums…)….ART.”

Mary Whitehouse’s cuntflaps !! I just couldn’t bloody believe it.
“I am putting together an exhibition on the coronavirus, and the PPE that the NHS use on a daily basis is my canvas.”
That’s more fucking precious than a Bond Street jeweller’s window.

“It’s not my job to provide the NHS with PPE.”

I sort of agree with the latter; it’s the gvnmnt’s job.
Evidently, however, it is definitely Ms (or is it Mx) Brown’s job to be a complete and utter tit.

And when she carks, let’s nail her corpse up on the outside of the National Portrait Gallery.
Before then, I hope her MP, Penny Mordaunt, turns up wearing a tightly-belted rubber trench coat, and with a metre-long tohiti cane, to whip this piece of shite senseless, while I stand by, ogling.
If any of you want to see some real art, the camera will be there to record the event.

Nominated by HBelindaHubbard

Becca Brown from Portsmouth fancies herself as a bit of an artist. She’s shelled out thousands for PPE as NHS trusts and care homes across the UK battled to secure equipment needed by medics to treat coronavirus patients – all in the name of art. And, of course, in the name of cashing in…

The admin assistant has spent around £200 on surgical masks, £250 on hand sanitiser and hundreds on coveralls and face shields. She also spent £600 on food including UHT milk and canned goods, alongside purchasing dozens of packets of paracetamol, throat sprays and medicine.

Her £2,500 haul, for which she used savings and a credit card, has landed her £700 in debt – despite her selling on some items for five times their original price. Hmmm…

She plans to use some of her extensive ‘PPE kit’ for an art exhibition : ‘I need my PPE kit to protect myself and for my art exhibition and won’t donate it to the NHS,’ she said. ‘I am putting together an exhibition based on the coronavirus and the items the NHS use every day is my canvas. I make absolutely no apology because as an artist I have to stand by my work and my right to buy what I want.’ Apparently she uses face masks, gloves and gowns to create ‘three dimensional paintings.’ Pretentious? Moi?

Brown went on to insist she ‘doesn’t agree’ with allegations she is ‘selfish’ as ‘the fact that the NHS doesn’t have enough is not my fault – that’s the fault of the government.’

Arts for arts sake, but money for God’s sake, eh?

Congratulations, Becca. You’ve won the Dioclese ‘Cunt of the Week’ award. Perhaps you could use it in your art exhibition…

Nominated by Dioclese

Lockdown Level 3 fast food desperados need a salt filled cunting.

We’ve been downgraded here to Alert level 3, which is essentially Level 4 but with takeaways now open, and as so fucking predictable, there we have the cunts willing to eat that shit queuing up all night to be first in line.

How fucking sad can people be when salt laden, greasy slop masquerading as food is the highlight of their pathetic lives?

Wankers. These will be the same concrete headed losers that forever claim hardship when it comes to feeding their family with proper food, yet always have $20 spare for a bargain bucket of E-number special.

Nominated by KiwiCunt