I want to Cunt my own Father……I thought this would be difficult, but looking back on my shit upbringing, words spilled off the quill in quick tommy gun succession.
One of my first memories of the braindead lout was when he drilled a hole through my tortoise (at my request). TV’s Blue Peter had done it with theirs, demonstrating how to tether a pet tortoise to the front lawn with twine by drilling a very small hole in the corner of its shell with a hand drill. Thus, allowing the creature freedom to move, but not to fuck off.
As soon as the electric wood drill bit came in to contact with the shell, the tortoise shot up the shaft legs akimbo. ‘Tommy’ died a painful and unnecessary death. “Volenti non fit iniuria” to he who is willing, there can be no injury!
If this wasn’t bad enough – in a display of abject cuntery, Mongoman hollowed out the tortoise (mentioning something about turtle soup, in a futile attempt to lighten the somewhat sombre mood in the house) and patched the hole with glass fibre and resin for the exotic ashtray that adorned our living room coffee table until he quit smoking in 1982.
In 1983 Neanderthal man filled ‘Tommy’ with concrete to create an ‘envy of the street ‘exotic door stop. This guy was so versatile.
On another occasion whilst not enjoying a caravan holiday in Scarborough I heard the familiar ‘slap’ and low gruff voice say “come on then love…lets have a bit of fun”. In the safe cloak of midnight blackness and, as the caravan rocked in an aggressive thrusting motion, I remember to this day the amorous exchange between the two lovers: –
Cunt: “say its big!….say I’ve got a big en!”
Mum: “Oh Arthur, no”
Cunt: “SAY IT!”
Mum: “Its big Arthur!”
Cunt: “Say you want me to blast it on your tits!”
Mum: “No Arthur – that’s crass”
Cunt: “SAY IT!”
Mum: “Blast it on my chest Arthur”
Cunt: “Arrgghh!! Say there’s loads of it! SAY IT!”
You get the idea….
I then reflect on my own cuntish mannerisms. How I treat women. My distain for effnicks, my lack of filters in social gatherings, the fact I actively seek to offend and upset people for my own trivial amusement.
A few years ago, I squatted naked, with a Fiskars Axe, in a green wheelie bin by my front door. It was October and I waited in the darkness for ‘Halloweener’s’. As soon as any of the little twats with their insufferable 4×4, soya latte drinking ‘Pippa made us a Halloween card at school’ wanky mums and dads came near my doorbell I lept out and scared the shite out of cunts. I hate Halloween! That weekend in the local boozer some of the dads mentioned it was all a bit too much. Bit too scary for the six and seven year olds. I replied with “Good – I hardly sacrificed a tortoise did I?” before going on to detail the features and benefits of a Fiskars Axe. A few mums collared me to say they though it all very amusing which was code for arousing methinks. Any way I blame you pater – thanks for ruining my intellectual, emotional and social formative years. CUNT!
Nominated by DAd Wud
They say we are the people are parents made us, sometimes we’re the person we are in spite of our parents.
I owe my dad a massive debt for everything hes taught, done for me.
No way ill measure up to my old fella as a man, an suppose he felt the same about his dad, ww2 etc.
Shame not to get along but sometimes things just cant be fixed.
Hey Daz, maybe have RTC as like a surrogate dad/mentor?
Hes fuckin minted!££££
Get him to take you the fair this weekend, see how it goes?👍
7
I’ve already got my hands full mentoring my cats Miserable. I’d point Daz in the direction of Dick Fiddler if I were you.
Thought at one time Dick was my real father, till I found out he was young enough to be my bastard son. 😀
7
Hmm, im earmarked for Dicks land, and possessions in his will, like the son he didnt have the sperm count to father.
If some johnny come lately like Daz usurped me id not be happy.
Maybe foster him out too the Plastics?
Miles could bestow a moral and literate life on young Daz?
He needs a firm hand maybe Vernon Fox?
3
The administering of firm discipline is always a positive MNC – I was trying to administer some to the good lady when she visited recently (she was of course observing her social disdain for me rules!) but the little minx is a bit faster than I am at running!
I can annihilate her at the cycling though, which she hates as she is very competitive – I am sure she loves it as I fly by shouting “grow longer legs you f*cking d*arf!
7
RTC, I look upon you as the son I never wanted. Take comfort in that.
6
Is that really you dad? 😮
Hey, what do you mean you never wanted me?! Serves you right for getting the horn, filthy wretch.
6
Shunned again….ah well.
4
I hear Micky Jacksons place is still open…could do.
2
Have I read this cunting before
I think you are right, even I recall the tortoise
4
Maybe we read in the noms.
Still a great cunting
0
My old man was a vile, lazy, foul mouthed brute. I resolved never to be like him. Apart from the foul mouth.
9
Dear DAd Wud
Thank you for your inquiry about becoming a Teacher Assistant at our primary school but I’m afraid the position has now been filled.
Sincerely
The Headmistress
10
Hehehe!😁👍
Please feel free to try again!
3
Is that Caretaker position still available?
6
I remember when the hamster died.
The vet reckoned his little heart had finally given out.
I’ll never forget that morning, coming downstairs and finding him slumped over the wheel….
16
Powerful stuff Daz.
It takes a brave man to submit a cunting like that. A cunting possibly unique in the annals of ISAC nominations… except for TECB’s brilliant cunting of his nephew, maybe.
I notice it was “Nominated by DAd Wud”. A Freudian slip on Admin’s part perchance?
7
Thanks…very cathartic process for me…
7
I’m in awe of my Dad.
One of the funniest, smartest and most resourceful blokes you will ever meet.
At 76 years old he is still working full time as an engineer. Not because he needs the money, because he enjoys the company and he likes fixing things and solving problems.
One of those blokes that if you mention your boiler is fucked, he comes round, takes a look and will either fix it for free, or recommend a decent replacement boiler, tell you what fittings are involved and then order it with trade discount and fit the thing in a day.
My Mum was also lovely. Looked after disabled kids right up to the point she physically couldn’t anymore because of the effects of the cancer and morphine.
A genuinely kind and caring woman.
A lot of people think I’m adopted.
24
Off road a mo….
High Court Judge just told the Markle slag to get fucked:
https://www.express.co.uk/news/royal/1276503/Meghan-Markle-court-case-result-latest-lost-Mail-on-Sunday-legal-privacy-case
British justice not entirely dead in this country.
10
As Harry of Hewitt and Meghan Markle Fucking Ono get deeper into the waters, they’ll have one thing that might help. Meghan’s knickers will keep the sharks away at least….
7
I’m no legal brief but that reads as a technicality to me. I wouldn’t get too excited yet.
5
Just rejoice at that news Freddie and congratulate our forces and the marines.
2
Saw that one RTC – made my day it did! 👍
“Hairee! Hairee! Make the bad Men stop telling the truth!”
“Yah, mistress”..
6
For once a judge has got it right, she can fuck right off back to whatever rock she crawled out of, we don’t want her back in the UK.
8
My dad was a clever cunt, he went AWOL 6 months before I was born. Can’t compare myself to him because I know precious little about him, he made way for my stepfather who was to raising children what Covid 19 is to a nursing home.
I don’t blame either of them for the way I turned out, I’m responsible for the man I am. If I’m a shot human being it’s my choice, taking responsibility for myself gives me the most freedom I can think of.
14
At least your dad didn’t name you Sue (Johnny Cash)
1
My step dad was partial to country and western music, being English this served to highlight his cuntish nature.
2
Now now now…..you can’t use the word music in the same sentence as country and western. You know the rules. Go to the back of the class with your face turned to the wall.
Jeez…how many fucking times? 😉
4
Johnny Cash didnt actually have a name, just ‘J’ Cash.
John is his dead brothers name.
Miserableshistoricalfacts.
3
That’s what we call Durex money Jonny Cash up here MNC👍
My Dad was/is the biggest cunt on the planet 87 now and still a horrible little bastard I don’t give the twat the time of day now my Mums gone A fucking bully with little man syndrome 👎
3
No, Sixdog Vomit was far more acceptable.
I knew a girl called Vicki Vomit, any relation 6DV?
3
No she isn’t, don’t give a fuck what the DNA results said!
1
‘Luke, I am your Dad’
3
I suppose someone had to go there. Come on Miles, you’re better than that! 🙂
2
‘you’re better than that!’
‘Luke, I am your Daddy’?
2
LOL. You crack me up sometimes, Miles. Good one.
2
My Old Man was generally best approached carefully – he was a bit of a vicious type and the last of the old school hard Men.
Not how he was, how his generation was – and he was always angry and guilty he could not fight in battle (he was kind of born for it) due to a damaged heart and his older Brother fell in France (f*cking Hun, don’t have a lot of love for those buggers!) – being awarded a posthumous VC didn’t do that poor f*cker a lot of good.
Both brave Men, in their own way.
8
I can’t forgive my dad for the names he gave to me and my sister.
I remember asking him one day –
“Dad, why did you name our sis. Teresa?”
He said “well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.
-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mum love Easter?
Yes, that’s right, Alan.
-Thanks, Dad!
13
Your name isn’t Bertie then?
2
Nah! Couldn’t think of a decent anagram!
3
I see what you did there, Bert. Funny. Had a good chuckle at that.
4
Just wonderful! best cunting for a long time. The Halloween cunts deserve all they get! (Yes, we even get the little fuckers in Cyprus!)
2
My old man was alright. Like a cross between Corrie’s Ray Langton and Gene Hunt. Used to get the ‘sexist’ bit off my mam, but he worked his bollocks off and he was one of those blokes who just refused to be henpecked. He was also made me laugh. One of the funniest men I ever knew. I do miss the old sod….
7
Interesting nom. I have genuine sympathy for people who had an unhappy upbringing. I was very fortunate in that both my parents were rock solid, working class folk although I have no idea why I ended up such a cunt.
8
My dad was a war hero but like him, I don’t like to talk about it.
😀
4
I’m pretty sure I take after my dad more and more as each year passes.
Generally stubborn and doesn’t really like or trust people, but a softy with animals (unless it’s dead ones from the gamekeeper).
4
Don’t get me started about my old fella. He was the biggest twat in existence. You wouldn’t believe that any bloke could treat his wife and kids like he did, so I’m not going to bother telling you. He’s been dead about forty years and I still hate him. I wish he was alive today just so that I could kick his fucking head in.
10
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
~Larkin
5
Preferred his dad, pa Larkin.
Looked a bit like Del boy Trotter.
5
I hear that.
1
A very poignant cunting I must say. Respect to you, sir.
Regular readers will know how much I fucking hate kids. They’re loud, obnoxious, tiresome and thoroughly annoying in every way possible. Add a kid to any situation and it’s immediately worse. No exceptions. Producers of nothing, consumers of everything and I deeply resent being forced to financially subsidise other people’s decision to procreate.
All that said, kids don’t come with manuals and parents do make mistakes. Some of which last a life time. For example, I’m not anti-social per se. I’m non-social. I just don’t like people. I don’t like being around them, talking to them, having to listen to their inane drivel. I just prefer my own company and hence steer clear of social interaction because I don’t like it. I can think of 2 or 3 reasons why I developed this way and one of them is meal times at home when we were kids. Mum would make the dinner and call out that it’s ready. My sisters and I would appear from our respective corners of the house, pick up our plates and return to where we’d just appeared from to eat alone. That’s right! We never sat down as a family and ate together. The only exception I can recall is Christmas Day. As a kid you don’t realise it, but you’re not developing interactive social skills. You’re not hearing about and learning what your siblings are up to. You don’t get the chance to more deeply bond with your parents who, through their decisions, are not connecting with you and taking an active interest in your life.
If I’d had kids (perish the thought) I would not have allowed that. I would have insisted on daily family time, probably over a meal, and made an effort to develop the young minds and personalities I was responsible for. I’d imagine parenting is quite hard and everyday is full of second guessing, constantly hoping you’re doing the right thing. Sounds like a huge hassle so I’m glad I just have a cat. And a wife.
The meal thing is weird and insane, right? What else have us cunters been subjected to?
7
Eloquently put.
5
I agree with everything you’ve written, IY. It’s always amused me to hear about people who are ‘desperate for a baby’. I’ve always been desperate not to have a baby. And I’ve succeeded.
4
Hi Alan.
Yep, parenting isn’t for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just wish we lived in a world where parents of young children would do 3 things:
1) Keep them under control.
2) Keep them away from me.
3) Pay for them themselves.
But no.
The prevalent parenting attitude is:
1) We’ll let them run amok and you can just deal with it.
2) My child will go anywhere we go, appropriate or not and you can just deal with it.
3) Thanks for the free tax payer hand outs, employer concessions, etc. none of which you’ll ever get for being childless – hahahahaha.
Cunts.
If it takes a village to raise a child, then some of the villagers should be allowed to shoot some of these feral cunts in the head. That’s only reasonable.
8
Well I’m an unsociable fucker who lives alone, doesn’t have a significant other and I also don’t like people and yet I grew up as one of 4 kids and we always ate every meal at the dinner table.
My Dad never tried to drill a hole in our pet hamster Ginga or our cat Perkins so I guess the Tortoise thing might have been the tipping point for your own personality disorder.
3
This is going to sound rich coming from me but………. Mate……. you are fucked up.
1