It’s that time of year when you just can’t get away from the barrage of crap Christmas music, and I must admit to having cashed in on a few myself over the years.

But this year there’s a eulogy to the Fab Four that reminds me that there is one Christmas visionary out there who richly deserves a thorough cunting especially at this time of year – John Lennon :

(1) a man so far up his own arse he was almost a quantum singularity
(2) a man with an ego larger than the known universe
(3) a visionary who undoubtedly, had he lived, would have almost certainly been a UN peace ambassador and an even bigger know head than Bono
(4) a man who married one of the world’s ugliest women, almost as big a cunt as Meghan
(5) a man who never wrote a decent song after he split with McCuntney

It seems to me that Lennon’s main claim to immortality was that he was assassinated, otherwise there wouldn’t be an airport named after him and he would have faded into obscurity. That at least would have spared us the crock of shit that is “Merry Christmas – War is Over”.

Regrettably we have to tolerate it every fucking year. The only good thing you could say about it is that it’s better than “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time”. But then again we are comparing two turds to see which is the best polished.

Have a great Christmas.

Nominated by : Chas C

Johnny Depp and his advert for ‘Sauvage’ perfume.

I don’t like most adverts but the one Johnny Depp does for perfume deeply irritates me.

He’s wearing mascara like a bird at a works do,
Leather pants and waistcoat,
He strums a guitar,
(Its Jimi Hendrix version of “wild thing”)
And wolves start howling
Accept they’re dogs not real wolves,
And they flock to him while he tries to look moody and enigmatic.
Well, to me, a middle aged millionaire is hardly a figure of wild rebellion?
The only cunt who’s got away with leather strides was Suzie Quattro,
And when I see mr Depp I think

“Your missus battered you and took a shite in your bed”

He’s no rebel.
I’m more a rebel and I go to bed at 11pm.
I was Johnny rather than flogging gay perfume id learn kung fu and protect myself against getting beat up off girls and id insist on real wolves.

The fuckin little tart should also wash that makeup off.
You Tube Link

Nominated by: Miserable northern cunt

The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2021 p.c. edition…

* And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander

* And he sayeth unto her “How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?”

* And Mary did quiver, and replieth “An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God’s child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings”

* And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying “That’s the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch”

* But Mary wasn’t not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph “I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig”

* And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accommodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.

* And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst receive a threatening letter from the landlord saying “I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs”

* And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying “Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need”

* And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. “Taketh no notice,” sayeth her benefactor. “‘Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali”

* And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.

* And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed

* And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head.

* And Mary did behold them and sayeth “I see three kings!”

* And the first sayeth “Shit, girl, you been through it, ain’tcha? Have a swig of this..” and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.

* And the second sayeth unto her “I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins” and handed her a Franc and some Cents

* And the third sayeth unto her “Ah eh! I’ve nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out”

* And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.

* And the donkey in the corner brayeth “Eee Ore! It’s a fuckin’ miracle…”

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 “We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car.” All rise…

Nominated by: Dioclese