Garden Bonfires

A quick cunting for the prick next door and every other fucker who thinks it’s a great idea to have a bonfire in their garden.

This time of year, the windows are open, freshly washed clothes on the washing line and we’re happily sat outside enjoying the weather. What the fuck, my house will fucking stink for days, I’ve got to re-wash the clothes and we can’t sit outside any more. Just take it down the tip mate, they are open now.

What a complete and inconsiderate cunt. Just had to get that one off me chest.

Nominated by: Cunty mcfuckwit

60 thoughts on “Garden Bonfires

  1. We live in a world of entitled-cunts unfortunately.

    Just as we saw hoards of these bastards descend on Brighton and Bournemouth beaches a few days ago, they seem to feel laws, rules, regulations, public courtesy and consideration, do not apply to them!

    Best thing to do is get even and have your own bonfire/BBQ and make sure the prevailing winds are in the direction of the cunt next door.

    Either that or throw dogshit over the fence

    • Just get a heavily shitted and pissed in baby nappy, cover it with lighter fluid , ignite it making sure that the wind is blowing in the right direction and job done!

  2. I fucking hate getting home from work to sit in my garden only to be assaulted by the smells of burnt meat and cheap burgers roasting on some cunts meat pit.

    Throw another prawn on the barbie you cunts and fuck off while you’re doing it.

    • Couldn’t agree more – my neighbours do it every Sunday either side. One smells of cheap meat and onions and the other fucker smells as if he is boiling saucepans dry – a real metallic stink. If could be worse though – imagine living next door to Dame Kweer when he is burning his piss and shit stained Tena Ladies.

      • I’d much rather have my washing smelling of woodsmoke than charred Lidl discount burgers and paraffin wax.

        A good smouldering pile of grass clippings deters the midsummer insect life.

        And for some slight satisfaction, it’s generating CO2 for the woke generation to enjoy.

      • Paraffin wax? is that what that disgusting smell is when people do these low down tacky things?

        It smells like a fucking petrol refinery round here on a warm evening.

        At least I have the satisfaction that all these scumbags are clogging their arteries with their evil smelling shite.

  3. I don’t know where you live but in urban areas bonfires are strictly illegal……elf and safety and all that. It would be worth contacting your Council Environmental Department and seeing if you can get these cunts shut down. Don’t forget to mention Saint Greta and all the poor little black kids having their lives shortened from breathing in the whitey toxic air. There’s a popular phrase you could use but it’s gone completely out of my mind at the moment.
    My mate’s booshka booshka neighbours were having a right little shindig, complete with bonfire, so he called the Fire Brigade on them. That put and end to that little barbecue. 😁😁😀😀🇬🇧

  4. A good cunting.

    Ignorant fuckers here are supposed to get a permit to have outdoor fires on private property, but I’m fucked if they do. Every other household has a good burn up of all kinds of crap from garden waste to old car tyres. Fucking stinks the whole neighbourhood out.

  5. Well thanks to the little hitlers that run the recycling department, sky high business rates and endless legislation bonfires are all the rage round here.
    Overnight everyone is at it. Even garages burning off oil etc, especially over the weekends.
    The same authoritive decisions create fly tipping.
    But I’m sure their targets are being hit, so it’s all good.
    Perhaps those in authority understand that the planet can’t raise sea levels on it’s own – if we dumped all our rubbish in the sea surely that’d help push it up a bit too?
    Morning all.

    • That’s an environmental policy we can get behind, the masses in Bournemouth have already taken it up.

      Morning CF

      • Or, let’s just set fire to the cunts that litter? Two birds, one stone. Sure as shit I’d like to cremate the cunts that insist on flicking cigarette butts out their car window. Dirty fuckers.

      • Now I can see napalm squads chasing them into the sea utterly all kinds of humorous lines from vietnam films.

      • Good Morning

        Anyone littering from their car should have their car crushed. The same for lorries who are the worst offenders with badly tied down tarpaulins letting all sorts of crap out and bottles of piss thrown from the cab. Britain’s roadsides are a disgrace.

  6. Love a good bonfire, but I do suffer from being a considerate cunt so don’t have them in my garden. They are currently popular in inner cities though, mostly in the street.

    • Very true. You can’t beat a Sports Direct shop going up in flames. (after it’s been stripped bare, obviously)

    • Yes brings back fond memories standing around a smouldering Ford Cortina with your mates and a few lagers. A real Bogside barbecue.

  7. Flaxen Saxon would appreciate this nom, what with his penchant for incendiary shenanigans and all that. He surfaced the other day (good to see you Saxon!) so he must be lurking in the background.

  8. I might have a bonfire this morning….I’ve got some lovely sausages,bacon and black-pudding that’ll fry a treat on the embers.

    • When your gardens the size of Yorkshire you can do what the fuck you like I suspect Dick?

      • I wouldn’t have a bonfire in my garden S.V….my (bigger than) Hampton Court maze might catch fire.

        Morning All.

    • Evening Dick. Sounds tasty…any chance you could wrap a sandwich and send it this way? I’m sure it’d be edible after two weeks in transit.

      • No sandwich for you,you rude colonial….It’ll be road-kill wallaby for your breakfast.
        🙂 .

      • Fuck it, brekkie as normal then. I’ll just imagine what it is to eat your finer things in life.

    • Morning Mr Fiddler,
      You had some trespassers then? Bloody serfs, hope they’re tasty.

      • No trespassers I’m afraid…it really is rather upsetting. I never thought that I’d miss them but now I find myself wistfully gazing aver the Fell wishing for a glimpse of bobble-hat,yellow kagoul and (for some bizarre reason that I’ve never understood) a single ski-pole.
        Hard to tell some Cunt to Fuck Off when the bastard isn’t even there. This ChinkyFlu really is having some most undesirable knock-on effects.

      • A truly awful state of affairs sir. Perhaps you could invest in a holding pen from which you could release one occasionally?
        That way you would get to choose which colour bobble hat you would like to shoot at.
        Apparently those hippie shoes (crocs, I think?) create a very convincing fearful stumble as they flee across the rough terrain.

      • Morning, Dick,
        I share your puzzlement re ski poles, singly or in pairs. When I was seriously involved in hillwalking, (and even today), I went everywhere, including easy rock climbs, with my hands in my pockets and in perfect balance. I don’t think they’re teaching kids to walk at all nowadays.

      • Same here Komodo. I’ve climbed in the Alps and Himalayas and now live in the Cairngorms. Walking poles are a pain the arse – just a hindrance. Maybe when I’m older, I’ll find them useful.

  9. Are you allowed to say “bl**k pudding” these days? Sounds a bit raaaaaaay-sist to me.
    And fat shaming.

    • Shhh…..the goon squad will kick your door in Freddie. It’s now Pudding-Of-Colour or Non-White-Repressed-Deserves-Massive-Finanacial-Reparation-Pudding.

    • The official term to be used now is blood sausage, but does that now offend the sausage jockeys and the trans women who want a sausage installed.

  10. I love a good bonfire, its either that or I have to pay the fucking council to deal with my waste. Plus I fucking hate the people that live next door so I burn plastic and tyre as often as I can. Fuck em

    • I bet it stinks next door to Unkle Terrys when he lights up his oven… Normally for a good cause though.

      • Evening Rob. The stink from one of our former neighbours, an Indian family, who would fire up their garden tandoor every evening, was horrific. Our washing stank of curry and we couldn’t have our windows open, unless we wanted the entire house to smell like an Indian takeout. I don’t mind the occasional curry, but I certainly don’t want to smell like it 24/7. Bad luck if any of them move in next door to you.

  11. Well I am currently preparing for Bonfire Night (assuming it won’t be banned come November). And am doing a contemporary Guy Fawkes in the guise of St Greta of Cuntbergs.

    It will be quite a pleasure shoving a large wooden plank up her shitchute and watching the screechy little cunt incinerate in a polluted cloud of bullshit – the perfect piece of irony for this tree-hugging two-faced cunt.

    I was thinking of doing something similar for Flabbott – but there just isn’t enough wood to make a bonfire strong enough to support the fat cunt!

    • Carfeul techno, if you set fire to that much fat you’ll create a fucking inferno. The fire crews’ll be on triple time and the local river will be sucked dry by refuelling fire engines.
      If there’s any kind of incline the whole lot will inevitably slip, creating a quatermass-esque inferno. Your neighborhood will be devoid of all life by morning.

  12. Love a garden bonfire, easier than finding a roll of carpet, and digging a shallow grave.

  13. I’d like to put my old busybody cunt of a neighbour in the oven.
    For the time being that’s not allowed so I make do with waiting til his frumpy cunt of a wife puts bedsheets on the line.
    Then I fire the pizza oven up with plenty of chemicals on it.
    Fuck off.

  14. Black

    And they don’t get upset about being black. Loyal as a dog to.

  15. I save the problem of falling out with the neighbours – I just shout “black lives matter” and I can set anywhere I want alight – nobody is allowed to say a word! 😄👍

  16. A long overdue cunting, this one.
    I can just about tolerate the odd barbecue (a rare occurrence around my neighbourhood) but cunts who try to get garden waste bonfires going, which smoke like a brush fire in Oz, deserve to get their fucking house burnt down in the process.

  17. Whether you live 10 to a room or have 1000s of acres, you are going to have a row with a neighbour, be it about noisy kids, loud music, pets, building work, car parking, boundary lines and on and on.
    Because with few exceptions, people are cunts. Petty jealousies lead to intolerance.
    Intolerance seems to be the real plague, today.
    However, with regard to anti-social cunts lighting garden bonfires in the summer months, these nasty, selfish wankmeisters deserve to be flambé ‘d on a pure of their own making.

  18. Yeah, these garden bonfire starters are in the same bracket as the people who went en masse to the beaches yesterday — utter cunts! Unfortunately, they are usually gobby cunts, too, playing music too loudly and talking too loudly, into the bargain. Invariably, their gatherings usually escalate into arguments and drunken brawls, which is also a pain in the hoop. Fuck right off, you pikey cunts!

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