https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/21559578/mummy-girlfriend-delivery-cool-bag-sleeps-in-bedroom/

Peruvian Perv who just Luvs his Mummy

Julio Cesar Bermejo. This sad tosser has been caught in bed with an 800 year old Peruvian Mummy (wait while the LGTBQ+-mob come up with the appropriate pronoun).

“At home, she’s in my room, she sleeps with me. I take care of her”

Julio is a rather confused lad and in need of pronoun assistance not least because the object of his/its affections is actually male. We do not speculate how Julio achieves satisfaction but it must involve a bucket load of KY Jelly. Taking a squint at the pervs boat race I get the distinct impression that he is well on the way to mummification himself. “There is no greater love than this” as the poet says. Keeps the object of his affections in a foil lined pizza delivery backpack so she can travel with. Touching but mistakes can be made.

“Ere wasiss you cunt. I ordered a Chicken Pharaoh fully loaded so where’s me extra toppings innit?”

Never having had the horn for desiccated people (no not even Twiggy in my day) so granted I may be missing out on something but Cleopatra? Nah. Tutankhamun?. Nah. Queen Hatshepsut? Nah. Not a twitch of me haemorrhoids. Possible explanation for archaeologists obsessively digging the desert sands though. Crawling up dank narrow tunnels inside Pyramids? Very Phallic Pharaoh.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke.

“Good afternoon.

This is IsAC’s social affairs, health and royal correspondent Ron Knee speaking. Today I’m joined by a very special guest, none other than the privacy-seeking Harry, Dork of Nutfux, who has deigned to inform us on mental health issues by speaking about his own traumatic experiences”.

“Nice to see ya Ron dude! Hey, take a toke on this man, it’s some real good shit. Chillax bro. Er say, how much is this gig paying?”.

“We’ll talk about that later. So you believe that by baring your soul about your mental health, you can be of service to the world? Please elaborate”.

“Well Ron baby, I had it bad growing up. Real bad. *inhales smoke deeply* I came from a broken home. Daddy wouldn’t buy me a bow-wow. He never hugged me, or let me cuddle his teddy bear. Mummy deserted me. All I have left of her is her special cream, which I rub on my little blue todger at night to remind me of her”.

“Dear me. So how did all this neglect actually affect your mental state?”.

“Well I was a mess dude. Can you imagine what it’s like for your own brother to get a bigger sausage than you? I took to bullying the hired help at my prep school, kicking my polo pony, shagging in a field behind a pub, killing ragheads in Affers, shit like that. In an effort to block it all out, I took to getting pissed in a big way. Then
I discovered coke and weed, and magic mushrooms. Man, those smokes really cleaned the windscreen of my mind. I can now see myself clearly for what I am; a victim”.

“Indeed. And I assume that your selfless wife has also helped you on your journey of self-discovery”.

“Oh man, that woman is remarkable; so concerned for others. She encouraged me to spread my wings, to flee the persecution of my family, and to isolate myself with her in California. She’s helped me to explore my inner self. She’s shown me all the things that are wrong with my head, how I’ve been abused and neglected by the world, and how by trashing my family, I can begin to heal”.

“Yes, and no doubt it was the delightful Meghan who also showed you how you could monetise your pain”.

“Well hey, a fella’s gotta turn a buck to survive. I got a Hollywood lifestyle and a high-maintenance wife to maintain. Say, speaking of which…”.

“Okay, here’s a quid; fifty pence for a cuppa tea, and fifty pence for your trouble. Now fuck off, you self-absorbed, arrogant, grifting little shit”.

“Jeez man, you really do need to chill out. Fuck, I’m outta here…”.

Express News link

Nominated by Ron Knee.

Youtube ‘Audit’ videos and the cunts who make them.

Fellow cunters may be aware of these characters, who travel around the country, filming places such as warehouses, industrial estates, police stations etc, in fact, anywhere where they are likely to encounter security guards or police.

Their aim appears to always to create a situation or argument with the guards, which they will film, whilst lecturing the guards about the law and their civil liberties, showing off how smart and clever they think they are. They put it on youtube and make money from the cunts who stupidly subscribe to their channel.

There are quite a few of these characters out there just google audit or auditing UK, Britain, Cops, Military, shopping centres, Town centres etc and you will see loads of these cunts.

They are mainly arrogant, self-entitled, loud mouthed attention seeking cunts, who claim at the start of each video that they interested in the particular location and in what they do there. He could easily find out that information by going online. But they goes there with their cameras.

Then they usually demands that people identify themselves to him, whilst at the same time, rarely giving his own name and often covering there face with a mask. Essentially, they are nasty, rude characters whose aim in life seems to be interfering with everybody’s business and trying to tell them what to do.

Nominated by mystic maven

Youtube

Youtube 

I really feel sorry for persons who experience period pain once a month. I mean, what a fucking pain. Period.

The wife points out that period pain can be a bad experience for a person with a uterus, but it can be utterly excruciating for persons without one, as this young lady found out to her discomfort;

He’ll be wanting one of those vagina thingies next. Sorry; SHE’LL be wanting one of those vagina thingies next.

I can only repeat the words of a confused Ray Davies; ‘girls will be boys and boys will be girls, it’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world…’. Damn right it is. It most certainly is.

Nominated by Ron Knee. And another helping about the “reds playing at home” from Fuglyucker.

As its wimminz day I would like to nominate a cunting, it those fucking horrific ads about the monthly shark week.
The above link nearly made me bring up my dinner, then there is the other ad, with the red splashes on knickers and the gild at the end wringing herself out like a fuck chamois leather.

Honestly I sympathise with wimminz, but I would rather not have to see or hear about this crap, there really are some things men don’t need to know.

Greetings Cunters another tale of misfortune from myself on many levels.

The former Mrs B and myself have parted company, and my health has declined further just as I met up and moved in with Mrs B MK fuck knows.

Any way with my decline in health I was offered a new medication, this is a sort of drain cleaner for the vascular system, but with clots on my lungs and a femoral blockage that felt like a kick in the balls I grabbed the opportunity at a prolonged life span and wolfed the stuff down as I waited to go under the knife.

Now all medication can have certain side effects, and this seemed to give me a burning arsehole, (I mentioned the new lady didn’t I?) So the new Mrs B supplies me with a nice cream to sooth the burning, sore,sweaty arsehole that I have now developed (Sorry, but I now have subliminal images of Sir Keir Starmer! – Day Admin).

Any way fast forward to hospital, loads of drugs, and I mean shit loads, I had my own morphine on tap, didn’t even have to get out of bed for a piss as I was plumbed in, and yes more drugs if I wanted them.

I wont go into it too deeply but after a period I was able to escape from hospital and come home, although on the same medication I no longer had the flaming arsehole issue that funny enough I had failed to mention to the consultant.

Within 3 days of blissful home rest the old problem raised its head and the old bum crack was stinging.

Now I am a logical thinker and I am not a toilet malingerer so I took time to investigate the bathroom with the aid of a par of reading glasses.

Mrs B has a box of lady’s secrets in the bathroom, pads potions and wet wipes for under waist sanitation purposes, I know this well because I have been nicking her toilet wipes for a wet wipe shit.

On closer inspection I discover that Sainsbury do two versions, one is called sanitary flushable wipes, and another toilet flushable wipes.

The flushable toilet wipes are the ones that I had been using for some time because she leaves them out and I am a lazy cunt .

The other thing that i noted that apart from colour and fragrance the ones that I had been using kill 99% of bacteria, also they are for cleaning the toilet and not wiping my arse.

So defacto I had been wiping my arse with domestos for over a year hence the fucking ring of fire!

So I nominate flushable toilet wipes as a barstard shit idea and I bet I am not the only person who has wiped their arse with them.

Nominated by: bigus Dickus