People queuing for the new iPhone X for 3/4 days in the cold and paying £999 for the privilege are cunts.
Nominated by liberal liquadator
Modern policing
The (Sweeney) Stasi,
The Stasi!
Dah, Dah dah-dah daaaaa, dah du dah dah!
——
“‘Ere you, scroat!?!” (BOP!)
2hrs later in Flying Squad HQ…
“Waaaa, waaht happened?”
“You’re nicked sanshoine! We was towld you ‘eld a door open forra bird and she’s grassed you ap as pervert sex offendah!”
“But, but, but…”
“Worra you? A fackin’ Indian! We got you banged to rights and you’re goin’ darn and forra lorng toime moy san!”
4hrs later in a Brixton surveillance unit…
“Ere gav! Wots this?”
“Wot!?!”
“Two blokes wiv’s shootahs.”
“Naaah, Carter you plam! That’s jast Mr Khan and Mr Mohamed. Are you radio-facking-rental!?! You won’t find two more stand-ap geezers than those two!”
“Bat gav, the shootahs?”
“Jast toys.”
“But the van full of fosgene gas?”
“Well maybes they’re doing sam paint work or sammink!”
“Rental van?”
“So!”
“And the twelve year old girl who looks stoned?”
“…a niece…”
“…in ‘ahhhnd-caffs?”
“Jast fan and games Carter you nonce!”
“Sorry gav.”
“It’s alright Carter, it’s good to be keen. No need forra report.”
—-
“OY! Wot’s this!”
“What!?!”
“This fence YOU CANT!”
“Er, well, it’s a picket fence…?”
“Yes, bat, worts wrong wiv’ it?”
“Er, is it too high?”
“Naw! Troy again.”
“Er, the chevrons too pointy??”
“Naw, naw, naw! You mast troy ‘arder san! Wort calah is it!”
“Er…white…?”
“Ahhhnd wot ovah calah?”
“Well, er, it’s all white, it’s a picket fence you see and…”
“Shat it! You’re nicked! Carter send this one darn for a long time on the race relations act 1984!”
—-
“Gav? Reports of a sex offender in Dulwich!”
“A nonce! Right let’s gaw!”
…
“OY YOU! NONCE CANT!”
“Are you speaking to moi?”
“Yes oy am! So wots your story feeling up the women in these swimming baths changing rooms then?”
“I beg your pardon!?! I am a woman today! And therefore when I say it, it’s true!”
“Well, er, I don’t know if that’s right but I…”
“Oh you DON’T do you! Well why don’t you ask your boss Cresida?”
“Cresida Dick?”
“She prefers ‘Cresida Strapon’ darling. Not too worry. She was just in earlier in the sauna having her bean flicked by that naughty young Polish pool attendent filly.”
“Er, she was was she?”
“Yes she was Inspector Reagan.”
(GULP!)”You know who oy am?”
“Of course dear. Cresida has a soft spot for you as you’re so right-on!”
“Aw…well in that case. Sorry to ‘ave disturbed you mam.”
“Not to worry inspector. Now can I have my camera back as there’s a woman just gone into cubicle 2 who’s got the most delightful fanny just like a boxer’s nose, and I’d like a few snaps for when I decide I’m a man again.”
“Er, yes, of course mam. Carter! Give the – er – lady her camera back with the telephoto lens.”
—-
Next week: Reagan and Carter help a traveller community ransack a small village in the Cotswolds for quite clearly being racist…
Nominated by Rebel Without a Cunt
Boozed up Blighty
So Parliament once more is fingered for “inappropriate behaviour” and alcohol is made the culprit. Have staggered meself from function to function and can confirm the joint floats on a subsidised booze filled haze. The Mother orf Parliaments is a gin soaked old whore now setting the standard for national behaviour. Have motored after midnight through this fair land steering me old Bentley around groups orf slaughtered fillies, knickers doine, arses in the air and puking in the gutters, their ardent swains legless and incapable.
We now have bred an inebriated and knackered Blighty that cannot hold its liquor and that is a national tragedy.
Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke
Andrea Leadsom
BIG cunting incoming for MP Andrea Leadsom.
Turns out she was the one behind former Secretary of State for Defence, Sir Michael Fallon, being fired from his position yesterday.
The reason?
He once put his arm around her. And on another occasion, quipped that, when she complained of having cold hands, “I know where you could put them to warm them up”.
That’s it. That’s all it takes, folks. A reputation ruined and a political career on the rocks. For that.
Fallon, in my opinion, is something of a cunt and not really that appealling to me as a Tory voter. I also think he is incompetent and very much disagree with some of the defence policies operating around cuts and associated. But no-one deserves to be dragged through the coals for that.
On the flipside, Julia Hartley-Brewer, when asked about a time when Fallon touched her knee, dismissed the incident as ‘laughable’. That, to me, is the proper reaction. As an aside I’m beginning to think that JHB is the perfect woman.
Leadsom of course has shown her opportunistic tendencies before, attempting a smash ‘n’ grab raid for Tory leadership in the wake of the pig fucker’s confusing departure. This cunt clearly will do anything to further her career and even worse, has helped prove that men don’t need to be given a fair hearing before a dismissal or punishment for an admittedly clumsy, but ultimately harmless crude remark.
I’ve had females in the workplace say far worse to me and others than that level of comment. Until the last few years, I thought nothing of it, but Leadsom, like so many others, constantly serves to remind us how damaging opportunistic cunts can be when they use the guise of sexual victimhood to apply to any unwanted attention.
Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back
Jack Whitehall
Jack Whitehall deserves nothing less than to suffer all nine circles of Dante’s Inferno.
This 24-carat cunt is the epitome of of posh-cunt lad-banter cringeworthiness – about as fucking funny as an unanaesthetised castration with ‘wit’ equally as painful to match. That series on Al-BBC with him and his cunt of a dad was enough to warrant a jihad declaration on his entire family.
Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back