Abba are cunts…

Not for their original output… They were of their time and could knock out a tune, but the tasteless shite that has surrounded them puts them in cunt territory… There’s the dreadfully sad tribute bands like Bjorn Again, and the modern ‘fans’ are always cunts: who are either screaming benders, stupid wimmin, or student cunts who view the group as either ‘kitsch’ ‘a guilty pleasure’ or ‘retro old school cool’…

Then, of course, there is the steaming turd that is the Mamma Mia musical…. And now Concorde Conk Streep and the rest are going to torture the world with a sequel… And there’s the media wetting themselves and jerking off because Abba are putting out some new songs…. Abba were of their time, but the media cunts will big up this new stuff when they know there’s every chance it might be crap… Still new Abba songs are still more than those lazy cunts, The Stone Roses. could be arsed to manage…

Nominated by Norman

Modern football is absolute shite for many reasons and deserves a bloody good cunting.

The fact that the bastards who control all football related activities are corrupt as fuck makes for grim reading. They don’t seem to give a flying fuck about the fans. They are only concerned with lining their own pockets with stacks of cash; a lot of which comes from bribes and various back-handers. FIFA are the most notorious of these crooks but the rest are just as bad. Self-obsessed, money-grabbing, suit-poncing, fuckwits the lot of them.

Then we have the owners. Rich bastards who come from overseas with the promise of turning a pub team into a money-fuelled powerhouse, capable of winning an array of silverware. Most of these cunts oversee some success but then become bored, thus jumping ship and leaving the club with a load of overpaid nancy boys who they can’t afford to keep and a mess of spiralling debts and dodgy loans. The ones who do decide to stay for the long-term end up creating a monster, backed with endless sums of money and winning their league by about 50 points. They win all their games and no one else can compete with them. This makes the various domestic competitions dull as fuck and very predictable. Most notably, PSG are pretty much owned by an entire fucking country where spending £200 million on one player is like the average cunt buying a packet of pork scratchings down the local corner shop. Most owners these days are either Arabs, Chinks or Yanks who know fuck all about football and are just using a club as another business venture to make even more money that they don’t need.

Then we have the players. Bland idiots who seem to be void of any real personality. Just like the owners and the corrupt football governors, they don’t really care about the fans or the club. All they’re really concerned about is picking up their huge pay check and poncing about with their hair and socks all match. Mincing about the pitch like a fairy, cheating, diving and kissing each other as well as slapping each other’s arses. What a bunch of bloody shirt lifting cunts. The diving and play acting is the worst part. A tap to the face or a gentle push and they drop to the floor like they’ve been shot at point blank range by a double-barrelled shotgun. The same can be said when they feel the slightest bit of contact and go down far too easily to win a penalty or a free kick. Also, when they run over to the referee and ask for a card for the opposition player. It’s like at primary school when that one little snitch would run straight up to the teacher to report some pathetic incident. The ex-footballers turned pundits are just as nauseating. Having to listen to their tripe is nothing short of being so excruciatingly painful that you feel like blowing your fucking brains out. All these footballing cunts have been pampered and micro-managed and don’t have a scooby when it comes to anything outside of football. Some of these cunts need a good pasting.

As if being paid in a week, what most cunts earn in a decade wasn’t enough, these greedy little shitheads rake in more money through advertising and sponsorship. Being paid more millions on top of their current fortune for standing in front of a fucking green screen is ridiculous. Also, what is it with some of the fucking rules? A player takes his shirt off for a few seconds and is carded for it. This is apparently because the sponsor is paying to be on the shirt. Get off your high horse you utter wankers. Your brand image being invisible on one shirt for a few seconds isn’t going to cost you any money or affect your sales. You shit-mongering, controlling arseholes. Stadium atmospheres in England are absolutely diabolical compared to other countries thanks to the high number of tourists with their shit half-and-half scarves and their appalling selfie-sticks. The fact that rail-seating doesn’t exist in this country is ludicrous. It works in other countries so why not implement it in our stadiums. The FA and the British government are too tight and lazy to bother changing the current all-seater shite and keep hiding behind Hillsborough as a weak excuse. We all know that the Hillsborough disaster was down to poor stewarding and policing. It has nothing to do with the terraces. It was the fault of the inept stewards and the plod cunts. This has been proven. It has also been proven that rail seating is safer than the ‘safe standing’ areas we have in this country. Ticket prices are also extortionate and this is a bloody disgrace as hard-working fans can’t afford to see their team play regularly and the tickets are getting snapped up by tourists and the prawn sandwich brigade. This leads to a shit atmosphere at games most of the time because these types of people aren’t going to be the ones making the noise.

I could go on all day to be honest but this has already turned into a fucking essay and to make it any longer would be a waste of mine and everyone else’s time. I’ve summed up most of the problems we have to suffer with when it comes to football in this modern day. Football is a cunt and most of the people involved with the game are also major cunts. Fuck you, cunts.

Nominated by Jayniño

Right up there orn Yours Truly’s list orf most despised Yankisms, “LET GO” screams trying to toadie wit de yoot and merely makes faceless HR (Human Resources) cunts feel better, not the poor cunt that has just been given the old Push.
“Honey I’m home late and pissed and have drunk the remains of our savings away. Time for you to go work the streets again. Don’t cry old soldier, it’s an end to being stuck indoors all day. No not because I have been sacked, absolutely not, they have “let me go”. Be positive, little smile my love. I’ll give Bright House a call and they can take away the furniture and I’ll wear a head-guard, mouth-guard and groin protector when Nigerian Nige calls for the rent”. Sorted.

“Let Go”? It’s SACKED You Cunts. YT has expertise having been Sacked, Canned, Dismissed, made Redundant or otherwise Fired from every job I have ever had. In short YT has been given Notice, the Bum’s Rush, the Boot and the old Heave Ho. Keep me P45 on a piece orf elastic. Hence YT has made his way as an Independent Executive, an Entrepreneur, a Consultant and latterly as a Producer orf Entertainments Artistic (know me knockers from me knackers). Less likely to sack meself.

“Let Go” has its place. Was gallows humour when engaged in a spot orf liason in the Eastern Bloc. Cut a long story, positive epidemic orf black hat cunts dismissing themselves from the Russkies employ via twelth storey windows. Much embarrassment all around plus a quantity orf brain mousse and claret. Interesting how the old corpus behaves when brought up short in an abrupt manner. Brains shoot oit through available orifices such as nostrils and ear’oles while the lungs explode out through the chest cavity (remember Princess Di). Very educational but I digress. Point is like any old game you get to know the players. Suddenly a certain dodgy cunt is no longer in the room as it were and is subsequently peeled orf the pavement.

“Interesting aboit old Ivan. His friends? Apparently not, Johnny Bulgar (the Bulgarians) were involved. Very reasonable on price but not known for their finesse. He was let go.”
Quite.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

Having just returned to the UK from a 3.5 year overseas job what the fucking hell has happened to the populous?

Walking around Asda was a culture shock to say the least. As a native of the land I was in the minority speaking English, at least 65% were banging on Russian and the remainder could barely string a sentence together in English, the utter fucktardedness of them. Perhaps the neck tattoos are causing a brain problem making these people similar in IQ to my turds. But above all what the fucking fuck have people been eating? Fat cunts everywhere, not a bit overweight like most caused from crap diet, kids, long hours, work life balance, I’m talking 10 bastard stone overweight. The place had more fucking skin in it than a tanning factory. Sweaty fat women in joggers with huge gunts, blokes in electric chairs, equally fat buying ready meals and Asda lager.

How do you get that fat? It must cost a fortune in food and bog paper, no wonder the roads are fucked with the amount of shit flowing through the UK sewage system, that’s what causing the potholes, underground turd vibration. Obviously is not the fault of these sweaty fat useless shit stains that they are shovelling 20 chickens a day down there huge necks, no doubt some stress, bullying, trauma has caused them to get like this and the NHS MUST provide gastric banding immediately.

Come year zero when I rise to power you an be sure the NHS will not be providing any gastric banding as self inflicted problems are exactly that, self inflicted so fuck off now and stop eating.

Nominated by Thorax Cockslammer

Mobile homes and their owners are fucking cunts.

Driving slowly on roads way too small for them, causing traffic jams and tailbacks, wrecking everyone else’s journey for the sake of being cunts. You can’t see past them, or overtake them. You can’t even roadrage them by driving too close in case one of the twelve fucking bicycles decides to shake off the back and crash through your windscreen like a wrecking ball with “your family” written all over it.

They ruin your camping holiday by parking sunside on to you making damn sure you freeze first thing in the morning and then resolutely ignore your eyes of detonating hatred by hiding behind their financial times and coffee, having already purposefully woken you up trying to get their motorized sky dish into position for the news. All the while, no doubt, sucking in great lungfuls of fabulous cuntry air whilst proclaiming how wonderful the great outdoors is.
What the fuck are these people even on holiday for? Are they seriously splashing 50 grand on a motorhome to simply sit next to me when I’m cold and rub it in? It would appear so. How else to explain that cheery hello as they slosh the evenings piss and shit over to the chemical dump?

Fuck them and their cunt wagons.

And fuck their special little clubs that give them discounted rates to exclusive campsites. Do they have better grass or something? Again, it would appear so. Phoning a caravan club site up and asking for a tent pitch gets you an instantly noticable increase in the posh accent followed by a condescending explanation at best, and at worst they simply put the phone down on you.

These people and their motorhomes are not just total cum gargling cunts, they are also a community of cum gargling cunts.

Perhaps providence will gift me the vision of serenity one day and make one somersault down the m4 like James Bond’s Aston Martin.

Nominated by Cuntflap