You know – the sort of “white goods” that have just one purpose in life, one simple task that they’ve been invented to perform. And yet the fuckers won’t.
Or they will, but with an unacceptable “twist” of their own sick invention.

What the fuck am I on about ?

Current example: My microwave is a fucking cunt. I put a mug, half milk, half water, in for 2 minutes, to make a cup of milky coffee, each morning about 11am. Once duly nuked, the mug handle is always around the fucking back, where I can’t get at it, without scalding my fucking digits. So next time, I start the 2 minutes with the handle round the back – Ha Ha – I’ll teach you to fuck with me, you cunt… Bing ! Fucking handle’s round the bastard back again, evil fucking bastard cunt of a thing.

Historic example: Back in the 90s, I bought myself, at enormous expense, a CD Burner for my Windows 98 PC (complete with flickering pilot light). It’s job was to burn computer files to a blank CD for me to post stuff to clients. A simple enough task – Not brain surgery, curing cancer, or ending third world debt. Just write a cunting CD like your manufacturers promised in their advert. Hell, No – With minutes to go before the postal deadline, it kept relentlessly churning out coffee coasters, right up until the moment it coughed out the last, with an on-screen “error” message – at which point my boot flew upwards and through the open tray.
In a fit of pique, I removed said CD Burner (£300 at the time) from the PC and lobbed out of the bedroom window. I left it lying in the garden for 2 days, contemplating the wisdom of it’s recalcitrant behaviour, before I took it up to the parking area and ran my car over it, back and forth, 4 times. I am not lying.

I will NOT allow inanimate objects to take the fucking piss. All manner of mobile phones, airbrushes, spinning reels, showers, pretty much anything that pisses me off WILL be destroyed, however ludicrously expensive, and I have never regretted it, or lost a moments sleep over my petulant and childish reactions.
Inanimate Objects -Do your fucking job, or suffer the consequences.

Eeeh, that’s better…

Rightly nominated by Cunt Reviled

It would seem that another Asian grooming child rape gang case is ongoing but no-one really knows about it as it has been surpressed from the media by the use of D Notices – wtf? Whatever happened to the common law tennet of Justice being seen to be done? Clearly doesn’t apply to certain Peaceful crimes.

Not content with that, the cunts then go on to arrest Steven Lennon aka ‘Tommy Robinson’ for live streaming outside the Court for a ‘breach of the peace’ while the cunt Judge of said proceedings looks on with a smirk. Furthermore, it seems they had a Court ready, a jail cell ready and another D Notice ready to surpress the media from reporting this as well – in my mind this make Lennon a political prisoner right here in the UK.

Fuck that – to me the cunts have gone too far this time. While the traditional ‘bread and circuses’ route works for a while (read into that Income Support and Britain’s Got Talent) there comes a point when even the dimmest get fucked off.

Mark my words – there is going to be trouble.

Nominated by Proper Cunt

I’d like to Cunt the current trend for death apparently making people into something that they quite obviously weren’t.

We have the current healthy crop of youth wiping each other out on the streets of London. The real disaster is that we are losing trainee architects,footballers,youth workers etc at an alarming rate,and every single one of them was an innocent who had never as much as been late returning a library book. Their mothers always appear to tell us just how innocent Jamal/Treyvon was of any wrongdoing and how he was a credit to his cummonitee.Never seem to hear from the father for some reason.

However, it’s not just trainee architects,rappers,and footballers who seem to get the slate wiped clean by croaking. I’m sick of hearing, when some contemporary of mine dies, how “canny” he was.Invariably he wasn’t. I actually stopped going to funeral services after hearing a description of the “dear departed” ,by a priest who’d never met him,that bore no relation to the miserable old bastard that I knew. If it wasn’t for his grabby relatives perched along the front pew like a flock of expectant vultures,I’d have thought that I was at the wrong funeral.

Death doesn’t change peoples’ past. Be honest about what Cunts they were. Luckily I’ll evade the diatribe that I’ve got coming my way by refusing to have any religion involved,and due to my general unpleasantness the fact that nobody is likely to come.

Fuck them.

Nominated by, Dick Fiddler

Darts,snooker,indoor bowls etc…..now I’ve nothing against them,but they sure as fuck aren’t “Sports”. I just heard a commentator remark that “John Higgins,at 42 years old,remains one of Scotland’s leading sportsmen”. Admittedly,as a Scot, the mere fact that Higgins can waddle the 5 yards to the snooker table without having a tab,a drink,a deep-fried pizza,and finally a heart attack, probably does put him in the Pantheon of athletic Scots.

However,I digress. Sportspeople,to me, means young,fit,fully-haired people and not what,I suspect,resembles the line-up from the ISAC AGM. Snooker,darts etc. are not sports,they are games.

Fuck them.

Nominated by, Dick Fiddler

Relationships are fucked and deserve a long and well-overdue cunting. These days they may as well be called “relationshits” as that’s what they are. Shit.

They bring out the worst in people. Seemingly normal individuals become more jealous, obsessive and neurotic as the relationship goes on. Too many women are controlling as fuck and feel the need to “change” their man into how they want them to be. Men are now becoming robotic puppets with no mind of their own. There are also too many slappers about who feel the need to get attention from other males by using them as a “shoulder to cry on”. Most likely they are shagging about behind their man’s back. Some even post half-naked photos on sites such as Fuckbook, Twatter and Instacunt. The likes and cringeworthy comments they get from faceless fuckboys online go a long way in inflating their ego and enhancing their slapperish characteristics. This behaviour is cheap, tacky and superficial as fuck. The younger women, especially, seem to be devoid of any loyalty and trustworthiness.

Social media and pop culture old bollocks play a big part in relationships these days. Relationships involving younger individuals are more likely to fall victim to this. Relationships don’t appear to be official these days until they are “Fuckbook official” and a status has been posted highlighting that two fuckwits are now together. The cringeworthy statuses and pictures plastered all over social media are enough to make those with the strongest of stomachs sick to the core. No one wants to know how much you love each other and what shitty coffee shop you went to for a crap date. What doesn’t help is the cunts that try to interfere in someone else’s relationship. More often than not some slimy little bitch will put ideas into the head of one’s missus and brainwash her with a load of cobblers. This shit-mongering leads to arguments, black eyes and break-ups. Women’s friends cause so many fucking issues in relationships it’s unreal. Keep your beaky noses out of it your busy-body, gossiping cunts.

Privacy is non-existent in this day and age. Everything posted on social media is under observation from the old bill and some greasy old git from a council flat in Stoke could easily be downloading your girl’s photos for his sexual satisfaction; cock-in-hand in the process. What is infuriating is the fact that your private messages to the bird you are seeing or to your missus aren’t very private at all. A lot of the time at least three of her mates will see the convo between the pair of you and they will sit there laughing about what a soppy cunt you are. Nosey cunts. Even phone calls aren’t safe. A gang of her little bitch pals could be sat in the background laughing at you while you’re none the wiser to being on loudspeaker.

Women also become paranoid when you are friends with another woman. Yes, I do have friends of the opposite sex. No, I’m not shagging them; I’ve known them for fucking years and if I wanted to shag them something would have happened a long time ago wouldn’t it? Grow the fuck up and welcome to the real world. Actually, fuck it. This shit is over, pack your things and fuck off. And don’t slam the door on the way out! Cunts.

Nominated by,Jayniño