A light hearted but painful cunting for piles, or pile in this case.

Having never exerienced such rectal delights until today, but taken the piss whenever someone has mentioned them, Imagine my horror waking up feeling like I spent my first night in an American prison with big bobo as my cellmate.

A quick bath and check, and just to be sure, a look with a mirror to find a big (big to me anyway) fresh new pile sat there.

Got some anusol on way to work and had self service tills existed here, I would have used it for once but no, served by the usual woman who is usually chatty and smiley but not today, so asked her if the anusol and my massive arse grape was the reason which did raise a smile.

Had some fun looking for a youtube link, a lot of them seem to be Indian videos, are piles more prevalent in Indians? I would have thought the lack of toilet paper and the type 1 and 2 on Bristol stool chart would mean they were less likely candidates, but what do I know on day one of a hopefully very short sore bum journey.

youtube

Nominated by Cunt of the Isles.

The day started very nicely weather-wise, so the wife and I decided to go for a stroll in the local park. Bad decision as it turned out.

There we were, ambling happily along, when suddenly out of the undergrowth to my left burst this fucking hound, and before I could react, he took one look and leapt straight at me. I went backwards, instinctly trying to keep my balance, and collided with the missus, who went sprawling onto the path, bashing her head off the tarmac with a resounding ‘crash!’, and hurting her back.

As if the presence of this fucking great mutt wasn’t enough, up then comes its cunt of an owner, uselessly yelling ‘down! come here!’ at the bastard as it leapt about. Needless to say, I was absolutely livid, and yelled ‘can’t you control your bloody dog, you idiot?’ at the top of my voice. ‘Oh I’m soooo sorry’ the cow whimpers lamely. ‘Sorry?’ shouts I, ‘what bloody good’s that, you twat?’. Then the look came over her face; that ‘this horrid man’s being toxic to poor me’ look. ‘Is there anything I can do?’ she simpers. ”Yes’ says I. ‘Piss off, and take your stupid mutt with you before I kick the bastard into the pond!’. And off she crept, for all the world the injured party in the exchange. How could the horrid man positively not adore sweet Wolfie? He’s SUCH a pet.

Well you can probably guess the outcome. Several hours spent in A and E, while the medics did their excellent work of checking the wife over good and proper, patching her up and administering morphine before saying that she was okay to be discharged and taken home. Here she remains well shaken up and in considerable discomfort.
(Sorry to hear that, Ron. How’s she doing? – NA)

As for Barbara fucking Woodhouse and her calamitously behaved mutt, it was (and it remains) my earnest wish that the pair of them should go back up to the main road and promptly get run over by a truck.The only thing that could possibly have improved on this scenario would have been my presence there to witness it.

Cunts.

YouTube. (Link by Sam Beau)

Nominated by : Ron Knee

The UK is run by cunts from the King down. The Donald’s state visit is to be timed for September so that the establishment scum can avoid having to do him the normal courtesy of having him speak to Parliament.

The pathetic woke twats are too scared that they might be made to look like the whimpy, piss-pant, lefty, immie loving, anti-free speech, climate con artists they really are.

If I were the POTUS, I would pretend to have a prior engagement in fucking Hungary rather than have to shake hands with the bum boy in chief, and take the knee to old King Chaz.

Sly News.

Nominated by : Twenty Thousand Cunts Under the Sea

The death of Britain,( you are all cunts)

Now lets face it we are on the third generation of deluded cunts, our parents, our parents parents, and worst of all our children. I know myself that we all aspire to provide for our children the things that we never had, to protect them from the struggles that we fought, so their lives are better. So what have we achieved? A generation of wishy washy, oblivious to life nonachievers.

Why do we have foreign doctors? because their mummy and daddy did not pander to their wishes and they knew they had to do well at school to better themselves. We moan about foreigner’s coming in to do jobs that we refuse to do ourselves, whereas in some parts of the UK the fourth generation to claim unemployment benefits sits on a sofa drinking larger. The lack of education that has lead to the delusional organisations and demonstrations that we see on our streets, even the outbursts of grief when someone vaguely famous dies. Fuck its not as if they were close friends.

You know I think I am going to get naked and fuck off into some forest in Poland!

YouTube. (Link by Sam Beau)

Nominated by : Lord benny

I was round a customers today and she offered me an ice cream which I readily accepted after sweating like Huw Edwards hiding in some bushes at a school sports day. I was just about to tuck in when she casually mentioned, “Its soy milk ice cream, I’m not doing dairy much these days. You can barely taste the difference”.

Well her dog certainly did as I waited until she had fucked off and then offered the cornetto to the hound who gave me a look of ‘I’d rather eat the box it came in’. I’m sorry its proper creamy whipped ice cream or nothing.

Soy milk ice cream? Psh.

You start buying sustainable knitwear from Oxfam and recycling your underpants in solidarity for Palestine once you are exposed.

Its true!

I read it on IsAC!

Nominated by : Liberal Liquidator