Hold the front page and stand by for some frightfully important news.

There have been some pointless publications in the past “Gardening With MIndfullness” (I kid you not), The Radio Times (each weekend when the schedule is nothing like they print), Hello, The Psychic News (“Good but not as good as next weeks issue), but surely the prize for the most risible, the most pointless wasre of trees – even more so than the Gemma Collins Bumper Book Of Diets, has to be “The New European” – I have cunted this “newspaper” once before, but this struggling tabloid (£3 an issue for those with more money than sense) has hit a new low, with their current buy-me-and-stop-one promotion offering you a “Remainer Passport Holder”:

https://www.subscriptionsave.co.uk/Newspapers/National-Newspapers/The-New-European/LTNSUM20

For fucks sake!. The snobbish holier-than-thou, I-am-more-intelligent-than-you motherfuckers who look down their North London noses at us common people don’t seem to have graspe that, legally, at least, we have already left the fucking EU.

Why don’t the publishers swallow theirpride and close this shitty rag down. If it does turn a prpfit, I’d like to know how so I could start up an equally fatuous paper like Flat Earth News.

Nominated by: W. C. Boggs

A long awaited cunting for the long awaited Russia report, after listening to the review by an SNP cunt and Labour cunt I thought what the fuck was it all about.

Firstly it was written Dominic (scabby chin) Grieve so you would expect that it would be a ‘smoking gun’ but sadly (for him) there wasn’t anything to suggest that Russia had any significant influence in the 2016 referendum.
The conclusion nothing was found because nobody looked, what! are they having a laugh, they assume it was there because it was in the Scottish referendum.
So the interference was probably there, maybe, perhaps, but it’s impossible to say if it had any effect.
The whole thing was put together to try to cast doubt on the 2016 result but as there was ‘nothing to see here’ they wrote a whole load of shite that was fucking obvious the deaf dumb and blind.
Social media, yes we all know about that, Russian bots
Influence in the Lords, well just scrap the old cunts, that will sort it out.
Money laundering in Londoningrad, fuck me that isn’t news it’s been going on for years,
Spies in the UK, bloody hell, everyone knows that half the embassy staff of virtually every country are actually spies and don’t tell me some of our embassy staff in other countries aren’t spies.
Cyber security, anyone who uses the internet is aware of ‘illicit activity’
Interference in elections, well I would be more concerned about the doggy postal vote racket, particularly in the peaceful community.
Russian criminals, yep along with Albanian, Jamaican, Romanian, the list goes on so why single out Russia.
RT today, if it has broken broadcasting rules take away its licence, no evidence, well leave them alone, the media in general is left so not really ‘impartial’

The cunts on the security and intelligence committee have tried to make the fucking Beano into a best seller, what a waste of time!

Nominated by: Sick of it

(In case you missed it – admin https://www.politico.eu/article/mps-russia-report-says-uk-left-brexit-referendum-open-to-kremlin-meddling/ )

More a lament than a cunting.

Found myself in Barnsley town centre the other night on Welligton Street the main thoroughfare for nightlife. ‘Digital’, ‘Volt’, ‘Secret’ the names of the pubs. If you can call them pubs.

I peered in (not open because of Covid) all three the same minimalist square tables and chairs, just painted plaster on the walls. I remember it going downhill with the ‘Pulse’, then ‘Bar One’ which was a shed.

I have almost nostalgia for the craze for theme pubs. The ‘Sportz Bar’ wasn’t bad-aerobics on the video, basketballs on the pumps. The main ‘activity’ though getting drunk. ‘Panama Joe’s’ up the riad-,’Route 66′ guitar on the wall, Elvis hits, on the bar an Indian Chief. (would that be lowed now?) ‘Mustsng Sally’s’ wasn’t bad -saloon bar doors, the place in the shape of a horseshoe.

The funniest theme pub though was ‘No Great Shakes’ wait for it – the aftermath of an earthquake- the ceiling and walls at angles to each other. It made you feel sick (and that was before the drink). Same with ‘The Beach’ too much liquid sloshing about (and that just the decor).

The Irish pubs where plastic paddies plotted their (round the town).
Further back I remember ‘The Radical and Liberal Club’ mentiined in Orwell’s ‘The Road to Wigan Pier’ Changed into ‘Pharaoh’s’ the facade an ancient Egyptian tomb. Buried Barnsley.

My mother and father in ‘The Gardener’s Arms’. I was sent in to get the pop and crisps. So exciting. The ‘Vine Tavern’ was an old style pub with a fire in. The landlord keeping watch to see if people had their drink, everyone sat close. Bar bllliards, darts of course the silence respected if there was a match.
Oh well, all passed. ‘Time’

Nominated by:Miles Plastic 

Interesting news for the techni cunt.

In the early hours orf July 20 on a small island just orf the coast orf Japan, a 174-foot rocket blasted orf with a spacecraft on the first leg of a 306-million-mile journey to Mars. Called al-Camal, or “Wind of a Camel”.

It was designed and managed by the Mohammed Bin Rashid Space Centre in the United Arab Emirates and the Yanks. It will leave Earth orbit for Mars in about 28 days, arriving in February 2021 to complete the first interplanetary voyage initiated by a w*g country.

The Emirates Mars Mission (EMM) was initiated in 2014 by the prime minister, Sheikh Lunar Ali Mohammed bin Rashid of Dubai to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the founding orf the UAE.

“We  love to connect things to our heritage and the past, but al-Camal really means the future,” says Space Ali, an astrophysicist and professor at the American University of Sharjah in the UAE. “al-Camal means that we turn away from the conflicts and focus on human and economic development.”

However this is just the first stage in a programme to send a three man crew to the Red Planet which will include a contingent orf under fives so they can practice entry and re-entry on the long return journey to Mars.

https://2eu.funnyjunk.com/pictures/Camel_ceebcd_1837675.jpg
Rocket Ali trains his camel to cope with weightlessness.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

Edited – Admin