Now It’s personal.

Along with most road users I have never been enamoured by the antics of BMW drivers.

They don’t indicate their intentions, they drive on your bumper and overtake aggressively and often dangerously. They lurk behind you with their shark-teeth radiator fins like predators. As a Jaguar driver I also thought they had an inferiority complex(!)

However, up until recently I managed to avoid any conflict with them. I just thought they were show off twats.

But…one day last week I pulled safely out of my lane and a speeding BMW then followed me out of the village on my tail up to the junction with the main road where not unreasonably I stopped. Good job I did as traffic was passing. The BMW then whacked into the back of me. He wasn’t doing a great speed but left it too late to brake and when he got out of his car he announced it was down to his wife as she has just rung him!

We inspected the damage of which there appeared to be none to mine but the valence on his BMW was broken. He couldn’t wait to get away but I insisted on exchanging details. He tried to get my agreement that my car wasn’t damaged but I said I would need to check properly later. He then sped off with me making sure he was in front this time. I didn’t want the git behind me again.

To be honest I might have let it go after bollocking him on his driving manners. But a week or so later I realised the rear parking sensors were no longer working which was obviously the result of the bump.

Now insurance claims are a hassle even if you are not at fault. So I rang the guy to discuss the options. The polite, apologetic young man had obviously disappeared. Now he was rude, arrogant and aggressive (just like his driving behaviour). It was all my fault as I’d braked too sharply. I’d agreed to take no action (I had not). His wife on the phone was a witness. Now all this is total bollocks of course and his appalling attitude put an end to any negotiation. He’d already had his car repaired at his own expense and he will have to explain that to his insurers.

I rang off, sent him a text telling him what I thought of him without threats or swearing. Blocked him. Then I submitted my claim against him.

I do hope this will hurt him financially at least. But the experience confirmed my beliefs about BMW drivers and let’s be honest Audis as well. I don’t like vast generalisations and I’ve no doubt there are many exceptions to the rule including a close friend of mine who has a beamer and is a gentleman of the road.

Yet the facts don’t lie.

Daily Fail

Nominated by Lord Helpus.

Blue Man Group is an American per formative arts company who through non-verbal communication use music, art, mime, comedy and drumming in their stage performances.

I’m sure most of you have seen them and they have always creeped me out a bit. Bald cap wearing Smurf blue, wide-eyed mutes who never smile, speak or break character and always appear on stage as a trio. Its weird and its gimmicky and I don’t like it.

Its been going since the late eighties and they play to sell out audiences all over the world so there is no denying they are popular but so to were shell suits and Gary Glitter. Maybe I’m missing the nuances of playing ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ on some old drainpipes?

youtube

Nominated by Liberal Liquidator.

In May this year Tyson Fury was beaten for the first time in his professional career by Oleksandr Usyk, a boxer much smaller and lighter than himself. Now, five months later, as he prepares for their re-match, he tells us that his wife suffered a miscarriage on the eve of their first fight. She didn’t give a reason at the time for not joining him in Saudi Arabia, but he ‘just knew’. Not that he’s using this as an excuse for losing, you understand.

Fury and his wife already have seven children and fittingly, as they’re all special and not ordinary like everyone else’s, they had to be given appropriately special names. Firstly there’s Venezuela aged 13, then Prince John James (11), Prince Tyson II (7), Valencia (5), Prince Adonis Amaziah (4), Athena (2) and lastly Prince Rico.

Of course Fury should be congratulated for his valiant attempts to populate the north west of Lancashire with his super brood, But seeing as his net worth is estimated to be anywhere between £40 million and £180 million, he would go up in my estimation if he could prove that he had never claimed one penny in child benefit from the state.

Sky news

Nominated by Allan.

Of course nobody should drive a car when they are pissed.
That goes without question, but how drunk is drunk?

In the UK the blood alcohol content limit for driving is 0.8.
Fair enough, that works out as a pint and a half.
But if that’s your first ever pint and a half then you would be pissed out of your head.

I remember throwing up and the room spinning round after my first ever can of beer when I was about 10.

The limit here in Spain is much lower at 0.5.

I was stopped by the Guardia about half an hour after having one large beer and was told that I was just on the limit.
They didn’t nick me but told me not to have any more to drink.

Now the Spanish Government are going to further reduce the drink drive limit to 0.2.
A quarter of that in the UK.

A small beer would cost you 6 points off your licence and a 200 euro fine.

Get stopped a few times and your licence is gone.
You would need to retake a driving test after attending an alcohol awareness course.

Effectively this means that not only can you not drink at all before driving a car, but also you would be advised not to drink the day before you are going to drive.
Alcohol takes time to leave your system.

How fucking stupid is the fact that you are over the limit for a drive to an airport, but once you get there you can legally fly a passenger plane?

Don’t imagine that the police are going to make a heap of money out of back-handers by stopping ‘generous’ drivers that are slightly over the new limit.
That doesn’t happen.
Anyone trying to bribe the police here will be locked up.

All that will happen is that almost everyone that gets stopped will be unjustifiably criminalised and the government will make a fortune out of fines.

Not one life will be saved.

Take note if you are coming here on your holidays.

etsc.eu

Nominated by The Artful Cunter

hero or cunt?

In a nutshell, two young men decided to use one of Farmer Neil’s fields as a playground for their electric bike.
When they decided to leave, the gate they entered by had been locked, so they abandoned the bike and returned the following day to retrieve it.

Mr. Greenwood was waiting for them, overpowered and trussed them up, and trundle them down to the local police station on his quad bike.

Now, I don’t know if the field contained pregnant/young beasts that may have panicked and got injured, or winter crops, or just winter pasture, but I do know that the bikers were trespassing and would have left the field looking like it had been ploughed by a drunkard.

So what happened when Mr. Greenwood got to the police station?
Yes, that’s right. He was arrested under suspicion of false imprisonment!

I know what I’d have done with them, and it wouldn’t have been taking them to the police station, but might have involved the hay baler.

telegraph

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.